No Job Is Too Small

A few years ago, I broke my pinky toe. I didn’t just break it, I completely broke the bone all the way through and it shifted over to the side. That being said, it was just a little toe, seemingly insignificant in my day to day life. Let me tell you, the importance of a pinky toe is highly underestimated. I couldn’t put any pressure on my foot without becoming nauseous. I had to be on crutches for a few weeks, then a special shoe for a few more weeks, and there was even talk about a potential surgery to realign the bone. I just kept saying, “but it is just a stupid pinky toe!” My pinky toe may be small, but it was able to cause a mighty big problem in my day to day life.  A part of my body I once thought was unimportant became my focus for several months.

As Christians, we are all a part of the body of Christ – different branches from the same vine.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” ~ John 15:5

Each one of us plays an important part in the whole. Not a one of us is insignificant in God’s eyes or in His plans. We all have a role to play, and that role will change many times over the years. Sometimes we will feel like we are doing very important work, and sometimes we will be behind the scenes doing things that no one even sees. Each job is important and vital regardless of what our earthly eyes tell us.

As I have mentioned before, my husband and I have planted a church. We are just in the beginning stages with very few staff members. As a matter of fact, we only have 2, my husband and the worship pastor; my services are free. This means that my husband and I pretty much do most of the jobs for now. His job is pastor, so He is out front for all to see. However, there are parts of his job that no one sees or probably even considers he is doing. No one sees the late nights, the hours in his home office, the outside ministry that fills his days, all the learning and studying, etc… It can be overwhelming at times when we stop and think about all we have to do each week, even if on the outside it looks like we have it all together.

I have many roles at the church from Children’s ministry to administration to volunteer. Some of these roles are seen and some very unseen. I love all the roles I get to play and am so thankful for all the opportunities Texas Grand Chapel has given me. Sometimes though, when I am all alone, I doubt my effectiveness. I wonder if I am making a big enough difference or if I am doing enough. Many of my roles are small and seem, to the human eye, to be insignificant in the big picture. Then my best friend sent me this verse:

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin, to see the plumb line in Zerubbabel’s hand.”  ~Zechariah 4:10

“The Lord rejoices to see the work begin”; He loves the small things that have to happen in order to get something started. He is delighted that I lead the kids, place orders for the church, lead a small group, clean, make coffee, volunteer on multiple teams and every other small odd job I do to help God’s church. He sees the value and worth in the small things, and so should we.

No matter how small, insignificant or unseen a task or role may feel, it is still vitally important to the whole.  We are all members of one body.

“For the body is not one member, but many.” ~1 Corinthians 12:14

 It takes all of us working together. I have definitely seen this over and over. Some of the smallest jobs are really the most important. We are never unseen because we have a God who always sees. Here is one more thing I have learned, more people see what you are doing than you think!

Here are some hard working people behind the scenes at Texas Grand Chapel.....I see you!!

Living on The Edge And Almost Empty

The other day I went to the grocery store, actually I went to 4 grocery stores. I ordered online from 3 of them so I just had to pick up, but one of them I actually had to go inside and shop myself. I left the house later than I wanted, and didn’t even have time for my usual coffee stop. I had been trying to get to the grocery for about a week but I just couldn’t squeeze it in. I noticed my gas was low in the truck, but figured I could make it; I like to live on the edge of danger. As I finished up the last store and was heading home I once again heard the beeping sound of my truck warning me about the gas level. I looked at my dashboard only to discover I had 5 miles till I was empty, oops! As I pulled into the gas station (after praying and pleading the whole way there) I had a whopping 2 miles left to go. My first thought in my head was, "Wow, I must really like living on the edge almost empty!" This is how I feel I am living day to day lately. Pushing the limits of what is possible for me to do and almost out of fuel!

We are in a busy season of life. We moved across town in April 2018, planted Texas Grand Chapel in July of 2018, recently helped my parents move out of their house and into ours, currently helping them get their new home built, and have been busy trying to get to know our community and finding ways to serve it well. On top of that we have 3 kids, 20, 15, and 7 and have 18 animals (1 rabbit, 1 goat, 1 potbelly pig, 2 dogs, and 13 chickens) with  a miniature donkey coming soon and my parents 3 dogs as well.  All the while, I am battling the emotional roller coaster of menopause plus the insurmountable weight gain that I am constantly fighting and unhappy with. Needless to say, our life is full. All of the things I mentioned above are great things (minus the weight gain and menopause) and we know we are right where God wants us to be, however, that does not make any of it easy. Balancing the busy seasons can feel almost impossible. Many times, I find myself just trying to survive it. Most days I simply need an attitude adjustment!!

I wish I was one of those people who was really in tune to myself, but I am not. I usually take my husband to the doctor with me because I am always minimizing my symptoms and how long I have had them. When I try a new medication or supplement I have to take notes on how I am feeling just to force myself to pay attention. Many times I don't realize I am overwhelmed and running on empty until I have the strong desire to runaway from all of my adulting things and can't figure out why I am on the verge of tears most days. A little self-evaluation would definitely do me some good.

I am not someone who thrives on being busy. I have lots of my friends that love to be busy and constantly on the go, but that just isn’t me. I like a slower steadier pace that allows for quality time spent with my people.  The Bible tells a story in Luke chapter 10 about Mary and Martha, I reference this story often. When Jesus comes to their house Martha runs around the whole time doing all the things while Mary sits at Jesus feet soaking in all He has to say. I am happier when I am being Mary, but lately I have definitely been more Martha. I guess the reality is I am a cross between the two. I prefer to run around like Martha getting everything ready, then once the people come I like to stop and be Mary and just soak up the people.

During this busy season I have to continually remind myself to refuel and not let my tank run dry. Most of the time though, I come skidding into the refueling station almost on empty and out of breath. Why do I wait so long? God is my refueling station and He is with me every second of everyday, just waiting to fill up my tank and pour out His love on me. When I need Him the most I tend to spend less time with Him. I get so caught up in the busy I barely give Him a quick hello and an amen some days. I notice when I wake up to start my day I am getting close to empty, but I think to myself, “I can make it”, whisper a quick good morning to God and ask Him to help me, then off I go almost on empty facing a full day. Luckily, I don’t have to pray I make it to the refueling station, I can simply stop wherever I am and pray, spend time with God, and fill up my tank. Instead of praying to make it to the station, prayer is the station.

This busy season doesn’t seem to have an end in sight, but I know God has called us to be in this time and in this place for his work and His glory. I feel so privileged and blessed in this busy season, even when I forget to remember my blessings. I have to remember to keep my eyes on Jesus and my feet on the path He has prepared for me. Romans 8:18 reads, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”No matter how hard things may seem at times, the rewards and blessing that are coming my way far outweigh any struggle I might go through here on earth.

On a side note; you know you are running on empty when you are envious of your sick husband who is quarantined to the bedroom with all his sickie germs! *cough cough* Maybe I should go lay down just in case I am about to catch it!

Misunderstood

Have you ever tried to put yourself in someone else’s shoes to understand how they feel?  Have you ever wished someone would try to see something from your perspective? Sometimes we can empathize with people and their circumstances because we have experienced something similar, other times it just makes sense to us. How do we handle the times when we completely can’t understand someone else’s perspective? How does the lack of understanding effect the way we feel about that person? Are we to quick to judge them without first trying to understand? How important is it really for us to understand someone else’s situation?

I tend to be the person who longs for other’s “understanding”. When I know I have been misunderstood I struggle (and usually fail) with the urge to try to make them understand and see things from my perspective. I am not really sure why understanding is so important to me, but it is probably because I need to be validated in some way. My love language is words of affirmation, so I suspect I am seeking affirmation. This can cause a real problem when my explanations are not met with understanding. Somehow, I end up feeling bad about me when I am misunderstood. I guess I feel judged or even like what I am feeling is wrong if others can’t understand. Perhaps I am, seeking understanding and compassion from the wrong source.

“The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.” ~Psalm 145:8-9

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” ~ Hebrews 4:15

God always understands. God is always compassionate. God is always merciful. I know all of this to be true, but why do I still long for other’s compassion, understanding, and acceptance? It’s like I am a glutton for punishment or something. I know only God can fully give me what I am longing for, and yet over and over again I am seeking it from humans. Humans will let me down all the time, but my God NEVER will. I shouldn’t even be shocked when a human lets me down, I should almost expect it. I am human, and I let people down ALL THE TIME. Why do I put so much weight on what others think about me or how they feel about me? Well, because I am human!

One of my gifts from God is mercy. Showing mercy typically comes easy to me. In my mind, I show mercy because everyone needs it, especially me, and I love people enough to hand it out freely. Here is where my thinking deceives me; if someone doesn’t show me mercy then I think I must not be loved enough to be shown mercy. I believe people are worth mercy, so if I am not shown mercy then I must not be worth it. Well, now isn’t that a twisted thought process! I feel like it is a constant mental battle that I rarely win.

Ok, so here it is; anyone following my blog knows I struggle with my menopausal emotions. I know it is impossible to explain to someone why I feel the way I feel, or why I act the way I act when I don’t even know myself. You know the saying, “Fear is a liar”; well, I am here to tell you, so is menopause! I find myself trying to explain to people (especially my husband) that I am trying to get a handle on my emotions and I am struggling. I get caught up in explaining why I feel the way I feel in search of mercy, grace and compassion. Here is a piece of truth; I show compassion to everyone but myself. I seek from others what I can’t even give myself. I hate admitting that. I hate the way it sounds. Truth is not always pretty or easy. I know by admitting these things I am exposing myself to people who will judge me and not understand me at all, but I believe I am not alone in my struggles so I share so others will not feel alone in their struggles. If you struggle with any of this I want you to know that I get you, and I have all the grace and mercy for what you are dealing with.

I have a few friends and family members who struggle with autoimmune disease and/or fibromyalgia. These are unseen illnesses that affect their daily life and abilities. On the outside they may seem perfectly healthy, but their bodies are in a constant battle on the inside that causes fatigue, pain, weakness, and an inability to suck it up and just keep going. Many times, they tell me they feel misjudged and misunderstood. It is hard to understand how bad they feel when they seem to look fine on the outside. The unseen struggles are not unseen because they are not real. I can understand and empathize with them because my son has autism/ADHD/anxiety. He can at times seem perfectly normal on the outside, then his behavior tells another story. People tend to assume he is just a bad kid instead of realizing there are things going on inside of him that we simply cannot see or understand. What a wonderful world this would be with more compassion and mercy.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ~Colossians 3:12

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. ~Galatians 6:2

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you. ~Ephesians 4:32

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. ~1 Peter 3:8

Though we are to seek God and look to Him for understanding, grace, mercy, and compassion, He does call us to give these things to others as well. Sometimes, as christians, we may be the only example of Jesus someone sees in their lifetime. The grace and mercy we give may be the first someone has ever received. We do not have to understand or even empathize with people. We are called to love ALL the people and what better way to show love than to hand out grace and mercy!

Gifts or Faults

Has anyone ever called you a “people pleaser”? How about “too forgiving” or a “doormat”? What about “bossy”? Did you take these titles as a fault in you or as one of your gifts? Most of the time when these things and others like them are said to people, they are meant as faults, something we need to work on in ourselves. What if we flipped the script and looked for the positive in these things? What if these things we consider as faults, were actually given to us as gifts from God to be used for His glory and His good? How could flipping our thinking change the way we use these gifts? Just because we can use them for harm, does not make them bad. There are lots of things that can be used for good or harm, like knives, baseball bats, words, etc., and our gifts can definitely fall in this same category.

I am definitely a people pleaser. I don’t like to make people mad (though I am really good at it). I can’t handle when someone doesn’t like me. I will turn myself inside out and upside down to prevent disappointing people. This has always been something I have felt I need to work on and fix in myself, and people have told me as such. Here is how I see it now, God has given me a gift that the world has twisted, and I have twisted, into being labeled as a people pleaser. Actually, this gift makes me tender to other’s emotions. I like to do things to bring happiness to others and cause them to smile. I am happiest when I am serving others. I forgive people quickly because I would never want to make someone feel bad and I believe everyone needs a little more forgiveness in their life. I love to pour out grace and mercy on people, especially when they don’t deserve it yet need it the most. God has great plans for this gift that I have been considering a fault. How has my twisted thinking caused me to miss opportunities to use my gift for God?

When I misuse this gift or let this gift control me, I am missing the God opportunities to use it for His glory. When I allow this gift to take control away from God is when things can go very wrong. The times when I am frustrated, empty, and not caring for myself because I am focusing too much on pleasing everyone else or when I am spending my time focusing on all the ways I am failing people and letting them down because I could not be everything to them; these are the times that I have put the control in the wrong hands. I have to remember my role, and it is not to be everything to everybody; I am not God, that is His job. My job is to use my gifts according to His plans and His ways.

What if I changed my views on other people’s gifts? I will use my family as examples (which I am sure they will love…LOL). My husband could be called bossy or a perfectionist. God would call it being a leader and someone who strives for excellence in all he tries to do. My husband has the ability to be clear-headed in a crises or stressful situation and decisive in a plan of action. He is always trying to be the best he can be in everything he does and is constantly encouraging other’s to be the best they can be as well. When he is using his gifts for the Lord, he is unstoppable!

My daughter, Elizabeth, is seven years old and full of life, sass and spunk. She can find a “yes” to replace any “no” and her determination is unmatched. Some would call her stubborn, hard-headed, and definitely sassy. God has gifted her with a strong will that will help her break down barriers in life. I have said many times that these things will serve her well in her life, just not while she is in my home. She will be unstoppable in her pursuit of God and His path for her. She is not shy and with her bigger than life personality she is fascinating to listen to and can captivate almost any audience. I can’t wait to see what God has instore for her life.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” ~ Ephesians 2:10

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” ~ James 1:7

I am so thankful for all the gifts God has given me. Too many times I take for granted all He has given me and forget to use them for His good. I prayI will only get better with my gifts and remain on the path He has prepared for me. I will also be rethinking how I look at other people. Am I seeing faults or gifts? It is a choice, and I will choose to see the gifts.

Who Wants to Laugh

Here is a little fun fact about me: I love to make people laugh! Sometimes I use humor as an ice breaker, to end a disagreement, or to make someone feel better when they are down. I believe I get this trait from my father, who has a joke for every occasion. When I was young I would intentionally do something funny to make other’s laugh, then cry when they laughed because I thought they were laughing at me not with me. Of course, if they didn’t laugh I would also cry because I thought they didn’t think I was funny. I am so glad I grew out of that phase. So, this post has no purpose other than to make you laugh at me and with me!

In November, I somehow managed to talk my husband into letting me get a goat. This was a huge feat I assure you. My aunt had a friend who was getting rid of her pygmy goat, for free. The free part was probably what sealed the deal for the hubs. My oldest son and I spent a weekend clearing some of our land for the pen. Then my husband, along with my son and I, built a pen out of free pallets…again, the free part was super helpful. Once the pen was finished I planned to get the goat. Well, it just so happened we finished the pen right before my husband was to leave town for an overnight trip—designed for him to rest and rejuvenate. I decided not to let this deter me, so as soon as he left to go out of town, I left to go pick up my new goat. Now, I am known for being a bit impulsive and speeding away to an unknown destination with my hands in the air squealing with delight because of the possibilities that await me. My husband says I am the gas pedal and he is the brake. Well, without my brake pedal I just sped along not stopping to think things through.

I met my aunt at her house and followed her and her husband to get the goat. I was totally impressed with myself that I remembered the crate to put the goat in for travel. In my eyes I was totally prepared. We got the goat in the car after some coaxing from me and off I headed towards home. I realized a few miles down the road that I had no supplies to take care of a goat; no food, nothing to put food or water in, nothing. I might want to add here that I have never owned nor taken care of a goat before. Since I am the gas pedal I just headed right on over to my local feed store fully believing they would be able to tell me what to do and help me get all that I needed. 

I love my local feed store and the people that work there. It is where I got my chickens and where I go for all their needs. There is one girl in particular that I have become friends with and luckily, she was working that day. I walked in and we commenced with our normal greeting; she asked how my chickens were and if I was ready to get some more. So, I said, “Well, I kind of did a thing…I just got a goat!” She squealed with delight and asked if I had it with me. The next thing I know I am standing at the back of my truck with two of the employees oogling and googling over my adorable goat. I let them know that I had no idea what I was doing, so they grabbed my arms and lead me inside. They showed me everything I needed, gave me some tips, loaded my truck and sent me on my way. Once again I was feeling pretty confident that I totally had this.

I got home, got the goat out of the truck and put her in the pen. I headed back towards the truck to finish unloading all my goodies, but before I could get to the truck I noticed the goat was walking by my side. Confused, I looked back at the pen and realized a whole section was lying on the ground. I walked back to the pen with the goat following close by my side and realized my husband had neglected to screw in one of the panels. No worries, I was sure I could handle it, so I called my husband. He told me what to do to fix the panel, so off I went to get the tools from the garage with the goat still right by my side. I quickly got it fixed, put the goat back in, and attempted to go to the truck to finish unloading. Before I knew it, the goat turned up right by my side. Here is what I learned, goats can really jump and my pen was too short! Now I had no idea what I was going to do. So, again, I call the hubs, who is supposed to be relaxing, and I proceed have a small freak out. After talking to him I decided to put the crate in the goat pen and simply lock the goat in the crate for the night. Since I could not lock the goat in the pen and didn’t want to confine her to the crate all day, I just let her follow me around while I unloaded the truck and got the pen set up for her. Once evening came I locked her in the crate which I put in the shelter in her pen. All was well so I headed to the store. I checked on her when I got home and she seemed fine so I went inside for the night.

About an hour after coming inside, my phone started ringing and so did my doorbell. Apparently, my goat had managed to bust out of the crate and the pen and was wondering down the street, which my neighbors discovered after reading a post on the Nextdoor app.  I should probably add here that I live in a regular neighborhood. One that has deed restrictions against keeping animals like goats on your property. Well, we own a little over an acre behind out house that is not governed by the neighborhood, and that is why I can have the goat. Not everyone knows this little tidbit, so the goat walking down the street caused quite the uproar. I should also add, we had only lived in our house since April and hadn’t met all of our neighbors yet. This was probably not the best way to meet them. So, me and several of my neighbors (the ones I had met) hit the streets in the dark looking for my new little goat. We were in trucks, golf carts, and on foot. We had flashlights in hand calling, “Annabelle” as loud as we could all around the neighborhood. While driving I saw a constable at the park and stopped to ask him if he had seen a goat. He said he had never been asked that in all of his years of being on the force. Now we also had a constable looking for our goat as well. At one point he asked me how my husband had managed to escape the duties of looking for the goat. I explained that he was out of town, so he asked me if my husband knew I was spending the evening with a man in uniform. 

We searched for over an hour with no luck. I arrived back home defeated and devastated. Once more, I hesitantly called my husband, who was probably wondering why he even bothered to try to relax. I attempted to be calm, but instead I explained to him what happened through tears and snot. My neighbors and I continued trying to communicate with people through the app that had seen my sweet goat. The first person that had posted about the goat said she was out to dinner but would look for the goat when she got back home. Well, when she got home she found the goat, on her coffee table! The kids had lured it home and brought it inside. So, down the street I go to get my escape goat! Luckily my neighbor offered drive me in his truck since the crate was still in the goat pen. Once I got home I moved the crate to the garage, put the goat in it, and put the door of the crate against the wall and headed to bed.

The next evening while we were having dinner with some friends at our house, the doorbell rang. My husband answered the door to find a constable on our porch. The constable asked, “Are you the husband?”. My husband replied, “Yes, my name is Steve.” The two shook hands and the constable said, “I am the boyfriend!” Fortunately, I had told my husband the whole story or that might have seemed a bit odd. They both laughed and talked about the goat and the events of the evening before. I am now known as the goat lady and people in our neighborhood stop to see and snap the goat every time I take her out for walks. Yes, I walk my goat on a leash! Welcome to my crazy!

Mirror of Lies

There are a lot of people on my Facebook and Instagram news feeds that are really into health and fitness. Many of them post selfies of their progress on a weekly basis. I enjoy seeing the fruits of their hard work and I am always so proud of their efforts and results. I love to see people setting goals and reaching them. Many times, these posts encourage to me to get up and move and do something healthy for my body. Here is the part I have been struggling with: too many times I read comments about how they can’t wait to be proud of the person looking back at them in the mirror. They are longing for the day when they can be proud of their appearance so they can be proud of themselves, and in some cases, even like themselves. This is the part I want to address today. This is what God has been working on me to improve about myself.

Here is a little back story. For those of you who do not know me, I used to be a total fitness nut. I worked at a gym in high school and loved working out. I even skipped school a couple of times and went to the gym to workout (sorry mom)! I started teaching aerobics on my 20^thbirthday, but had to give it up when I was 35 because of my son’s special needs. I never struggled with weight really, and even though there were times I would say I thought I was fat, the truth is, I never really did. I think I just thought that was what girls were supposed to say. I never worried about what I ate. I never had to make time to exercise. I never struggled to find the motivation to stick with it; my motivation was my pay check! It wasn’t until I had to quit teaching and we moved to Massachusetts that I really had any issues with my weight. For the first time I had to motivate myself to go to the gym. No one was making me do it, and no one cared if I showed up. It was such a rude awakening.

Now, fast forward to now. I am 46. I had a total hysterectomy when I was 40. I have no gym membership. My body is totally rebelling against any efforts I make to lose weight, and it appears to be uncontrollably gaining just to spite me. The body I see in the mirror (when I bother to look) seems totally foreign to me. I barely recognize it some days. The mirror is not my friend and I use it to fill my head with lies about myself. I have struggled for the last 10 years with my weight. Sometimes I seemed to be winning the battle, then others it appears I have given up the fight completely. I have screamed, cried, been angry, indifferent, and in complete denial and sometimes all of those things at the very same time. Sadly, this has been something I have laid at God’s feet more times than I care to confess and turned right around and picked it back up again the next time I looked in the mirror. I have definitely spent more time agonizing about it than I should.

            Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” ~ Proverbs 31:30

Here is what God has been telling me, “Stacy, you are oh so very much more than what you choose to see on the outside!” This is hard for me to hear and truly believe at times. I have learned to judge myself based on my appearance and I put far too much importance on my size. I am not trying to say that God has given me permission to let myself go and be fat and unhealthy. What I do hear, is that my focus should be first and foremost on God and not my appearance. Also, let’s be honest, when I look in the mirror I am only focusing on my physical faults. I hardly even notice my good physical attributes. I am choosing to focus on the negative and by default choosing not to focus on what God has for me. I waste so much time beating myself up for what I deem to be faults in my appearance. My worth is not found in my appearance. Let me type that again; MY WORTH IS NOT FOUND IN MY APPEARANCE! My worth is found in God and God alone. My worth will never be found in a mirror. God does not look at my appearance to determine my worth.

            But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’” ~ 1 Samuel 16:7

Here is what God says about me:

I am a child of God (1 John 3:2, John 1:12-13)

I am wonderful (Psalm 139:14)

I am saved by grace (Ephesians 2:8-9)

I am sanctified (John 17:19)

I am a royal daughter (1Peter 2:9)

I am free (John 8:36)

I am God’s masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10)

I am created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27)

I am loved by God (Romans 5:8

I am chosen (Ephesians 1:4)

I am redeemed (1 Peter 1:18-19)

I should stand in the mirror and tell myself those things instead of my negative self-talk about my appearance. Whether I am fat or thin or anything in between, I am still precious to God and still enough. I know I need to take care of myself, but I need to do it for the purpose of being ready for all God has called me to do, not so I can look good in a swimsuit. I know I need to exercise my body, but more importantly, I need to exercise my spirit and my faith.

            For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” ~ 1 Timothy 4:8

God has given me this body to use while I am here on earth. I do not take this gift lightly. I want to care for this gift appropriately, but I do not want my focus to be on the gift, but instead on the giver. I pray I can learn to see myself through the eyes of God. I pray all of you are able to see your beauty and worth through the eyes of God. I pray I can instill this in my children as well. This I know, if I don’t practice this, my children will have the same struggle. They learn more through what I do than what I say. Go right now, stand in front of the mirror and proclaim the verses I shared above. Speak love and grace over yourself, even if you don’t quite believe it. Over time I know we can learn to see the beauty God sees in us.

I Am Sensitive

I am sensitive! There, I said it! I don’t do well with word jabs, or picking and poking at me and my attributes. I have tried for years to hide my sensitivity and pretend I can take it, but the fact is, words do hurt me. That old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just doesn’t apply to me. I believe words matter and can be sharper than any sword. I believe there are truths about me that are funny, quirky, and downright silly, and I don’t mind pointing those things out about myself and laughing about them with others. However, there are other things about me that are embarrassing, shameful, and that I downright don’t like. Those are the things that are not safe to pick on, make fun of or point out in a crowd.

My husband loves to go back and forth with someone picking and jabbing at each other. He has had to learn to live with the fact that I am not one of those people for him. Truth be told, it is probably one of his least favorite things about our relationship. For me, that kind of behavior feels more like insulting and making fun of someone about real things, but laughing it off like it is a joke-but it really isn’t. Sometimes I wish I was different in this area. I wish I could be less sensitive, more light-hearted and carefree about words, and not take them all to heart.

I take words very seriously. The truth is, I take what people say to me and about me to heart. My husband says that feedback is a gift and I can choose to take it or not. I have definitely not mastered that yet. When someone tells me something about myself, or I hear of something someone said about me, I internalize it, analyze it, and apply it to my life to see if there is any truth to it. Here is the big flaw in that; I am human and a sinner, and always find a place where any negative comments could be true.

The Bible talks a great deal about the tongue and it’s power. We are warned to control our tongue and to use it to bless people and not curse them.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.  ~Ephesians 4:29

In my mind and my heart, harsh words, whether said with a laugh and a joke or not, are hurtful. Sometimes I see other couples pick at each other and think I should be more like them, but I am not. The reality is, when I hear other couples pick on each other in a manor I perceive to be too harsh, I hurt for them and worry one of them may be internally hurt by the words, even if they don’t admit it. I guess I just can’t wrap my head around the ability to not take words to heart.

I feel like I am going through a season of fire with this particular trait of mine. I believe God is trying to grow me in this area, and I am struggling. Since my husband has become a pastor I find myself in situations where my sensitivities are hindering me. My analytical and often self-critical mind tries to go into over-drive and I am constantly trying to rein it in. I believe God has me here for a period of growth. If I am being honest, I am really pretty mad about it.

With my word for 2019 being “self-discipline”, I am continually figuring out new ways God is trying to stretch me in that area, and how far and wide self-discipline reaches in my life. I find myself wanting to throw a full on 2-year-old tantrum at God’s feet demanding He stop making me do this hard work. Then, I stand up, brush myself off, dry my tears and move forward, growing and learning through these painful lessons. 

My prayer in this season is that I learn how God would have me handle other’s words. I am not praying that He take away or lessen my sensitivity. Like every trait, there is a good side and a bad side to it. The bad side to sensitivity is my ability to be too easily and unnecessarily hurt by people who mean no harm to me. The positive side is that I am sensitive to others and their feelings and try to always take them into consideration when speaking to or about someone. Like most things, to get the good, you have to deal with the bad. My prayer is that God can help me adjust my perspective so I can see the bad side of my sensitivity and adjust it to His will. I just keep repeating in my head, “Jesus be near during this season of fire!” And you  know what, He is near and He is protecting me from being burned!