Death Of A Dog

Last week was a tough one in the Morris household.  We lost one of our beloved family members, our dog Eli.  He was the most patient, calm, and loving dog I think we have ever had.  He loved us all so well and he is so greatly missed.  There is an empty space in our hearts and our laps since we said our goodbyes.  We have another dog, and her name is Sadie—a Chihuahua—and she has been sad as well…which just makes it worse!  We lost a pet, a playmate, a friend, a family member, and a companion and for this we are all pretty sad.

Eli was sick for almost a week before we had to have him put to sleep, so we all knew it was coming.  I had to take him to the vet twice last week, once with my toddler in tow and once, the last time, by myself.  This was the first time I had to take one of my pets to be put to sleep and words cannot express how hard it was.  As a matter of fact, it was so hard I had to call my husband and give the phone to the vet so he could have the talk while I held my dog and shamelessly cried on the floor of the exam room like a baby.  Needless to say, I am super glad my toddler wasn’t with me that time.

My husband and I decided to wait to tell the kids about our precious dog until I got home.  All three of my children are so very different, so of course they handled the news in their own unique way.  My 16 year old son does not like to get all emotional, so he was just plain mad at the world…anger is so much easier than tears.  My 11-year-old son, who has some special needs, has difficulty processing this sort of thing.  He knows he is supposed to be sad, but he struggles to understand the full meaning of it all.  He put on his best sad face, and then asked, “so, when are we getting a new puppy?”  We tried to explain that it would be a while and that it was ok to be sad and to miss Eli.  He suddenly jumps to his feet with his left hand raised and his finger pointing to the sky and proclaims, “I know, I am going to start a mini paper airplane business” and promptly runs upstairs to get started.  Because when a person is sad, clearly starting a business will make it all better.  My three-year old had no idea what was going on so she just sat in my lap pretending to listen and loving on me as I tried not to sob uncontrollably.  Then the next day the two of us were shopping at Wal-Mart and we happened to walk by the pet supply section.  Suddenly out of nowhere she yells, “My Ewi gone mommy” and begins to cry—so I began to cry—and there we were crying it out, shopping at the Wal-Mart.  There is a chance I spent too much that day.

In the midst of the turmoil of the week I was preparing for my weekly Bible study that I am blessed to lead.  It is based on Ecclesiastes 3, A Time For Everything, and wouldn’t you know the verses we were focusing on were 3:6-7.

“A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew.”

Needless to say I could only focus on the “time to lose” for I had lost something dear to my family and me.  Though the study did not focus on losing a loved one, which was where my mind went, so I had a hard time focusing on the lesson and hearing what God had to say to me.  We knew we would get another dog eventually, but we planned on waiting about a month or so, and God laughed.

So Tuesday rolls around and I take my 11-year old to his horseback riding lessons and because of some scheduling conflicts I had my three-year old in tow.  I let my son head on out to his lesson while I remained in the car for a bit getting my little one’s shoes on and letting her go potty (yes, I have a small pink toddler potty in my vehicle,…whatever).  I finally go to watch my son and I see a small puppy and immediately my little girl said, “Yook mommy, my doggie.”  I will spare you all of the details, but as I am sure you have guessed, we brought the dog home and now have a new member of our family—Tessa.  She is a lab mix of sorts and totally adorable.  So here I was, mourning a time of loss and celebrating a time of gain at the same time.  God’s ways are always best and He is here for us even in the small trivial things of life.  God cares for our hearts in a way we cannot fathom and we don’t deserve.  I stand in awe of Him and His ways!

Why: The Question of Adoption

The question-- “why”--is such a hard one.  Whether you are asking this question to yourself or someone is asking it to you, the answers are not always cut-and-dry, nor easy to find.  Sometimes there simply isn’t an adequate answer to this question.  As a mom, my children ask me this question daily.  Do they ever grow out of this?  My 16 year old still plagues me with this question.  My youngest is just starting to get into the “whys,” and I am already dreading the day when my answers will not be enough for her.

The hardest “whys” are the ones that simply can’t be answered while we are here on earth.  “Why did my parent have to die so soon?”  “Why are we battling infertility?”  “Why did we lose a child?”  “Why did my birth mom give me away?”  “Why was my child born with special needs?”  These questions simply don’t have adequate earthly answers.  However, I do believe one day we will see the big picture and it will all make sense.  In the meantime we have to have faith and trust that the Lord has a plan and that He can and will use ALL things for His good will!  “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.”  (Romans 8:28)  My husband and I have definitely asked our fair share of “whys;” but we have found our faith to be far more important than the answers to those questions.

As you know, my husband and I have adopted and fostered children (and if you don’t know this, I recommend reading my blog archives).  Two of the children living in our house currently are not the same race as we are.  As a matter of fact, out of the 10 children we have had in our home, we have had five Caucasian, three African American, one African American/Caucasian, and one African American/Hispanic/Caucasian.  Now, that being said, we did not begin this parenting journey looking for any race in particular, we just wanted kids.  As a matter of fact, when we got the call about Tony the social worker asked how we felt about a mixed race baby, to which I answered, “I don’t care if he is purple as long as he is human.”

We have been asked many times over the years by friends and family why we “chose” children of different races.  As a matter of fact, I was just asked this recently by a member of my church and it got me thinking about it again.  When my husband and I decided we were going to have kids, our hope was that we were going to give birth to two or three (or five) kids, then adopt an older child later.  What I find weird is that we never discussed race or any other particulars about the child we hoped to adopt.  When a couple decides to start a family there usually isn’t a discussion of race or really even special needs.  When a woman gets pregnant the child is in God’s hands and we really have no choice in the matter.  When a family adopts, there are tons of choices, an over-whelming amount of choices actually.  When we started the adoption process we had to first decide foreign or domestic, then choose an agency, then what kind of adoption (open, closed, semi-open, etc...), then what type of child we felt we could care for.  We had to choose sex, race, special needs, all of it!  We really had to think about this and discuss it openly.  Though there were some physical and emotional needs we didn’t feel called to handle, for the most part we were open to anything.

After much discussion about what kind of child we were looking for we both came to the same conclusion; we were looking for the child God already had planned for our family.  We have learned over the years that God clearly knows best and it is always best to concede to Him in everything.  God knew long ago exactly what our family was going to look like.  I find it so comforting to know that God is in control and not me. 

God perfectly made our family and we feel so blessed to have been chosen to parent all of the kids in our lives, whether they have stayed or moved on.   Whether we had been able to conceive all of our kids or not, God was still the one beautifully orchestrating which children we received.   So, I guess my answer to the question, “Why did we chose to adopt/foster children of different races?” will have to be; We didn’t choose at all, God chose for us and we couldn’t be happier with His decision!

New Year, Fresh Start (better late than never)

I realize this post is quite late, but better late than never.  I wrote it at the end of December, but never got around to posting it.  I thought about just trashing it, but changed my mind and decided to share it anyway.  Maybe we can just use this as a reminder to stay on task and not to forget the resolutions or goals we set at the beginning of the year.

We hear the sayings every year: “New Year, New You,”  “Tomorrow is the first day of a 365-page book,” and many more.  I am not sure why a new year is a chance for new goals, resolutions, and dreams, but it is.  Who first came up with this grand idea?  Why do I let myself get drawn into this trap?  Whatever the reason, I find myself each December looking forward trying to figure out what the New Year will hold for me.  What do I need to change?  What do I want to accomplish?  What old ways do I need to leave behind?  What does God have in store for me?  How will I be a better version of myself?  Then there is the usual stuff like: how am I going to lose all this holiday weight I have put on?  Luckily for me, Plexus has made that last question obsolete this year—but this is another blog post for another day—stay tuned.   All of that seems like a lot of pressure for a simple change of the calendar year, and yet I do it every year anyway.

There are three ways I prepare myself for the upcoming year. The first thing I do is set goals.  In our family, we make yearly goals for our family as well as individual ones.  I sit down with the kids and help them find reasonable and meaningful goals for themselves, we brainstorm together what God would have us do as a family in the next year, and I spend time alone in prayer trying to figure out mine.  I enter them into the computer; print them up in special fonts and colors, then, frame them.  I hang them in places that we will frequently look so we can be reminded throughout the year what we are to be working toward.  At the end of each year we go back over our previous goals to see if we have met them, and which ones we missed.  I keep the past goals in the same frame behind the new ones so they can be compared each year.  Sometimes our goals are met, sometimes not.  I find it both humbling and inspiring each year.

Second, I have added something new this year, a vision board.  A vision board is full of pictures and sayings that represent what a person wants to accomplish.  I am doing this two ways: Pinterest and a poster board.  I have started my Pinterest board, but I haven’t started my poster board yet.  I would love to get together with some ladies, a bunch of magazines, some scissors, and glue and do our vision poster boards together.  This will just be another reminder of my goals and callings for the next year.

Last, Steve and I start each year with a family motto.  This idea was birthed after a particularly rough year that left us feeling worn out, beaten down, and defeated.  We decided we needed a fresh start.  It was then that Steve said we needed a fresh 2014, and there became “Fresh in 14.”  I even made a small sign to display in our home as a reminder of our fresh start.  As 2015 was approaching Steve revealed what he thought should be our 2015 motto; “Faith in 15.”  This year is going to test our faith as we patiently, or not so patiently, wait upon the Lord for baby girl’s adoption.  Plus, when we do adopt her, “Faith” will become her middle name.  I look forward to being able to share all about her adoption with y’all this year and be able to show everyone picture-after-picture, as we have not been able to share any of her yet.  Please join us in believing!

There are a lot of ways to start off a New Year on the right foot.  For me, I am a list maker, so goal lists, vision boards, and family mottos are what I need to keep me on track.  I also make other lists for projects to accomplish and of course my daily to-do lists.  I just love the feeling of checking my list/s off and the feeling of accomplishment that accompanies it.  I would love to hear from y’all.  Do you make New Year’s resolutions?  Do you set goals like my family?  What do you do to prepare yourself for the upcoming year?  Whatever you do, I hope all your goals, hopes, dreams, and resolutions come true for you this year.  Now let’s get out there and make this our best year yet.

 Here is my "Faith In 15" project that I still haven't done (yes, I am aware that it is the middle of March).  I have faith that I will get this done before 2016!

I'm Back

     Let me start off by saying how much I have missed blogging!  I should also add, anytime you notice I have gone for a long period of time without writing, start praying for my family and friends, immediately!  I have a large word quota everyday and if I am not blogging them, then all of those around me are forced to hear them—bless their hearts.  In the past couple of months, I have actually typed two or three posts, but sadly have not made time to post them and now one of them might be a bit past due since it is directly related to the beginning of the New Year—it’s already March for crying out loud.  Time is flying by and I can’t seem to get a handle on it these days.   Today I am choosing to slow it down and spend some time doing things I need to do for me, and this post is definitely one of them.

     So much has happened in my little world since my last post in December—did I just say December?  Little sassy pants is now potty trained.  WOOHOO!  She is doing so great and growing up way too fast.  And, on the subject of growing up too fast, my oldest son is now 16!.  I can’t even deal, people.  He is growing up to be such an amazing young man, I just wish he could slow down just a bit so I can cherish these next few years a little longer.   Then, to add insult to injury, I just turned 42!  What?  How did this happen?  Why am I not more mature and responsible by now?  I better hurry and grow up fast.  I told my best friend yesterday that I believe I have hit the age that I need to start lying about my age differently.  Instead of saying I am younger; I am going to start telling people I am older.  If I tell people now that I am younger they just feel bad for me because I look so old, but if I say I am older then they think I look great for my age.  And this is how my mind works.

     Another bit of news that we received was in regards to our precious little sassy pants.  As most of you know, she is our foster daughter, which is why I never type her name, but we are hoping to adopt her.  We thought we were in the final leg of this journey and moving swiftly to the adoption hearing, but we are not…yet.  This case will go on to the Supreme Court of Virginia.  We have no idea how long this will take, nor what we should expect during this process.  We know God has a plan and we are trusting in him to take care of her, and us.  We are relying on a few verses to get us through; let me share a couple of them with you:

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still” (Exodus 14:14).

“’For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,’ plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).

     These verses, as well as others, are carrying us though this uncertain time and giving us peace and comfort.  As I mentioned, I typed a post discussing the New Year, I may post it even though it is a bit late, and in it I discussed our family motto for 2015.  It is “Faith in ‘15.”   Back in December, we were looking at our upcoming year and realized there will be a lot of things that will really test our faith and require us to be strong in the Lord.  We decided to label our year with the faith we knew we would be in need of.  As this year is well underway, I can say we have definitely picked the right motto.  The faith tests have begun, but so have the amazing blessings that accompany faithfully following God’s lead.

     Our middle son is in his last year of elementary school and in a special school out of district that can better handle his special needs.  We pray he can get out of this situation and return to public school next year.  This elementary to middle school transition is critical to his success.  We hope that he will be in public school by the time he starts sixth grade, as opposed to entering public school in the middle of the year.  Let me just be honest; sixth grade is hard enough without having to change schools in the middle of the year, especially if you happen to have special needs.  This particular faith test is proving to be difficult as we are not sure what steps we should be taking.  The option of homeschool is always on the table, but our concern first-and-foremost is doing the best we can do for Tony, regardless of how hard it is on us.  This parenting thing is way harder than I thought it would be.

     Well, there it is, my first blog in a long time.  It is amazing how much better I feel verbalizing all of this.  I thank each and every one of you for taking the time to share life with me and read my rambling words.  My family appreciates all of you so much as I will not have to attack them with my words today.  Life is just better when we go through it together, living, learning, listening, and loving our way though.

Here is a picture of my wonderful Wonder Woman cookies my best friend gave me for my birthday......made by the awesomely talented, Jana Salinas!  Find her on Facebook at "Who made the cookies".

Tests

          Here at my house, it is testing time.  My oldest, Lance, is studying for finals this week.  Baby girl is going though a “boundaries” testing phase.  My husband and I are having our faith tested, especially in two particular areas.  Tensions are running high and the stress levels are off the charts.  It is interesting to watch how we each approach this testing time.  Well, except for Tony, he seems to be the only one who has managed to escape the dreaded testing—and I am envious!  He is just freewheeling and wondering what is going on with his crazy family.  Poor kid.  Or is he setting the example for all of us?  It is not often I get to be envious of Tony’s life with all of his struggles, so I am enjoying this time with his life being the only one that seems to make sense.

We all approach tests differently around here.  Lance’s approach is to study as little as possible then spend the rest of his time trying to convince us he’s got this.  He seems to think that a quick review and read through is all he needs to learn the information.  This would probably work if he spent less time socializing at school and more time learning—I wonder where he gets this trait?   He usually manages to eek by with decent grades, but there is the occasional shocking grade that is certainly a result of his study habits, or lack thereof.

Baby girl takes her kind of testing very seriously.  I tell people all the time, “she is two and she is good at it.”   She insists on trying out all of the most difficult 2-year-old traits…daily!  When she decides to test the boundaries she gives it all she’s got.  She tests with gusto!  She wakes up testing and doesn’t stop until she finally falls asleep.  Sometimes she is still testing in her sleep, as I hear her yelling, “no Mommy” often.  She does not take failure lightly and rarely concedes.  If this is any indication as to how she will take tests in school, we will definitely have an honor roll student on our hands.

Steve and I seem to switch roles back and forth during our times of testing.  Sometimes he is the strong one with untouchable faith while I am leaning on him or hiding in the bathtub.  While other times it is my faith that is standing strong while he is napping in his recliner to avoid the stress of it all.  Luckily we never seem to both be down at the same time.  There are times, however, when we are both strong towers of faith marching through our tests arm-in-arm shouting praises and watching the walls fall down.  Okay, perhaps the Jericho reference is a bit dramatic, but I believe there are no walls strong enough to stop us when the two of us are together and following God’s lead.  During our 19 years of marriage we have seen many walls fall down as we marched on through with the victory of Jesus leading the way.

During this particular time of testing, we seem to be switching roles often.  It seems like each moment is a new battle and we never know which one of us is going to be strong.  We have decided that we are not going to let satan steal our joy.  We have committed to praying every time we feel doubt, fear, or stress creeping in.  Yesterday was particularly rough and we found ourselves literally stopping in mid sentence to pray and rebuke satan.  Our conversations must have sounded so odd.  In fact, while on the phone with Steve, he started praying over me while in the middle of my sentence; we’re that serious about it.  I am thankful to have a man that I can pray with, be vulnerable with, and in times of weakness, lean on his strength.

I know we will see these walls of frustration fall.  We will see the roadblocks get blown away.  We will see this stress melt away leaving our joy intact.  Until these things happen, we are here, in the midst of the testing, praying our way through and looking for the light at the end of this very long tunnel.  We are also trying to take the time to be thankful that this too shall pass, for God says,

“For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long.  Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever.  So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.  For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever” (2 Corinthians 4: 17-18).

We are also standing strong in our faith that we have nothing to fear as long as God is on our side.  “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

            So, whatever test you are facing, I encourage you to commit your struggle to The Lord and rest in the steering currents that He provides.  Oh, and listen closely, because there is lesson to be learned and story to be made.

This is Lance preparing himself to study!