God Calls The Messy

Sometimes, no matter how sure I am about something, doubt creeps in and tries to steal my certainty. There are times it is obvious what is going on, but other times, I am taken by surprise by the crippling doubt. Self-doubt sneaks in like a thief in the night and tries to steal my purpose and calling right out from under me. If I am not careful and on guard, I will fall prey without even realizing what is going on.

The summer between my eighth and ninth grade years I felt a calling on my life while I was at church camp. I knew I was going to be a pastor’s wife. Fast forward eight years and I married a man in the Coast Guard and just figured I was wrong about that calling. Fast-fast forward again, another 17 years and the calling on my life was finally revealed as my husband was called into the ministry. How many of you know that God is never late; no matter how long it takes Him, He is always right on time?

“The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 

2 Peter 3:9 

He always proves Himself to be faithful to His call on my life, too.

Today, 31 years after that God-prompting on my life, I am a pastor’s wife and we are CHURCH PLANTERS of Texas Grand Chapel. God’s plan never ceases to blow me away and make my dreams for myself seem so very small. He always takes me deeper and farther than I ever thought I was capable of going. Sometimes I wonder why He thinks I am up for the tasks He gives me, but then I remember that He is able, therefore I am able with Him in my heart.

Even though I thought after I married my husband that I would never be a pastor’s wife, I always found myself looking at pastor’s wives and thinking, “If I was a pastor’s wife I would want to be like that”, or “If I was a pastor’s wife, I would do that differently.” It’s like I was picking and choosing from the traits I saw in others to create what I thought would be the best pastor’s wife. Little did I know, that was exactly what I was doing!

Many of the pastor’s wives I have had the privilege of observing are very well put together, soft spoken, gentle, and quietly supporting their husbands. Most of them rarely go up in front of the church or reluctantly do at the request of their husband. They serve the church and their husbands behind the scenes not out front for all to see. They are private and reserved, and sweet and kind. This is where my self-doubt sneaks in and tries to steal my calling and my confidence. 

Let me share a little about me. I AM LOUD! I have a booming voice that I struggle to control the volume on. I love to talk. Give me a microphone and an audience and lookout, because I have so many words that must be shared. There is nothing quiet, gentle, or reserved about me. I am happiest in some comfy clothes with a ball cap and no make-up. I love to serve behind the scenes but I jump at the chance to be right up front. I am a Too Much Information (TMI) kind of girl and believe that no subject is off the table for discussion. Clearly, I don’t fit the mold I have observed over the years.

Did God make a mistake? Am I living a life I am not meant for? Am I failing at my calling? What is wrong with me? These are just a few of the questions I catch myself asking. As I type this, while I am in my rational mind, I know the answers to these questions. God made me who I am and He never makes mistakes. However, catch me on an emotional doubting day, or on a day when menopausal emotions are winning, and all rational thinking goes out the window and I get lost in defeat and self-doubt—it is a constant battle.

Here is the reality, I base my self-doubts on my comparisons to other people, not my comparison to God’s Word. He never once says in His Word that pastor’s wives have to have a certain temperament or personality, I am putting those stipulations on me all by myself. I am called to be exactly who God made me to be and He will use me just as I am.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Psalm 139:14

Have you ever noticed in the Bible that God seems to use the messiest people who are full of doubt to do His mighty works? Moses had a stutter, and questioned God even as He appeared to Him in a miraculous burning bush. Let’s not even get into all the doubters that God parted the Red Sea for. David was a man after God’s own heart, yet he committed adultery and murder. Gideon was hiding in fear when God called him a warrior. Peter denied Jesus, Timothy doubted, Sara laughed at God’s promise, and the list goes on-and-on. Maybe, just maybe, my messiness is exactly what qualifies me to be a pastor’s wife. Perhaps, God chooses the least likely so it is obvious these works are of God and not of man. I think so! The best part is, my messiness is actually what qualifies me to be used by God. Now that is one qualification I can do well!

 

This is me most days; ball cap on and holding some kind of animal!

TMI Pitfalls

As I have stated many times before, I am a TMI-girl. I seem to share too much information about myself from time-to-time. Looking at my family, I am not quite sure where this particular trait came from, but it is definitely evident in me for sure. I probably need to wear a shirt that reads, “THE TMI IS STRONG IN THIS ONE!” Just as a warning to those I come in contact with. Though this is a trait I am generally fond of, it comes with some pitfalls and pains at times.

Being a TMI-girl means I am not a great keeper of my secrets. I try to have secrets, but eventually they all come spilling out. When I was a little girl my Dad and I went on a camping trip with our Indian Princess group. It was an awesome weekend filled with horseback riding, camp fires, and lots of laughs. One night around the campfire my Dad had a cigar with some of the other dads. He instructed me on the way home not to tell my mother, and I agreed not to tell. As soon as I got home I ran inside and immediately and uncontrollably told my mother every detail before my Dad even made it in the house. Needless to say, I was not on good terms with Dad for the rest of the day. 

Now that I am older, I have become better at keeping other people’s secrets, but I still can’t keep my own. Letting people into your secrets can be a dangerous thing sometimes. I have learned this the hard way for sure. When I am open and honest with my shortcomings, my failures, and my bad habits, it opens me up for judgment and criticism. Admitting these things can make me seem weak to some, but I believe it is actually a strength. I may share too much, but no one could accuse me of being fake or secretive. I am who I am and that is just how God made me.

As much as I need to share all of my stuff, I am really good at not sharing other people’s information; my family gets excluded from this though. I do not like gossip and I always try my best to steer clear of being a part of it. I would never want to share something about anyone that would cause them pain or embarrassment. A side note here; I love to share embarrassing stories about my children regularly! I tell them all the time that I waited a long time and had to work really hard to have children to embarrass, so I do not want to waste any opportunities.

When my husband was called into the ministry, I quickly realized my TMI needed to be reined in a bit. I struggled to find a way to still be me and not share everything. I do not want to share anything that could be misunderstood and hurt my husband’s ministry in any way. I had to find a way to be open-and-honest without sharing every single detail of me with anyone-and-everyone within a 50-mile radius. I had to learn how to share in a way that is pleasing to God. I also had to learn how to share about me and not my husband—which is easier said than done. So much about me is intertwined with him that it can be hard to share something about me without divulging too much about him. I am still a work in progress. I have been meditating on a couple of verses to help me…

“Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.” 

Proverbs 21:23

“Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”

 Psalm 141:3

Another pitfall is how I relate to others. Since I share everything, I struggle to connect with people who share very little. I struggle to understand them and find any common ground. In recent years, I find that God has put a lot of these people in my path; so I guess He is trying to teach me to be better in this area. A few years back, I met a lovely woman named Pam. I was immediately drawn to her, but for some reason felt like I could not connect with her. We traveled down a bumpy road to connection, but we made it to the other side. One weekend, we were talking about how she had been trying to hide some of the things about herself she felt were displeasing and pretended like she had it all together. That is when it hit me; this was the reason we were not connecting. I told her I loved messy people. I love to get in the ditches and pits with people and walk with them out of it. This is real life, and that is what connects me to people. Some people like to people watch; I like to link arms with them and walk side-by-side through the ups and downs of life.

There have been times I wish I was not such an over-sharer; times I wished I could have just turned it off. Now, I know it is a gift, and one I need to be thankful for. Some people truly struggle to tell people their story, and let them into the inner most parts of themselves. I believe that can be a very lonely place to be. True community happens when we get our hands dirty together and do the hard work of this life. It takes a brave person to be honest about who they are, and then share their honesty with others. I think being true to who we are is freedom. Freedom from shame, guilt, degradation, and even pain. Oddly enough, I have discovered that many times my honesty and TMI actually makes others feel better about themselves. They either feel like they are not alone in their struggles or like they are not doing so bad compared to me. Either way, my struggles can help others and that is worth any backlash I may receive for sharing.

All in all, I am thankful for my TMI ways. Like any gift, it is how I use it that matters. So, I pray the Lord uses my failures, my shortcomings, my missteps, and all my other dirty laundry to help others on their journey. I believe that nothing should be wasted. I always tell my kids when they make a mistake not to waste it by not learning from it. How much better would it be for people to learn from my mistakes so they do not have to make them. My Father-in-Law told my husband, “if you can learn from your mistakes, you are doing good. If you can learn from others’ mistakes, you are doing great.”

This is me trying to rein in my TMI in front of a wonderful group of ladies.