The Right Decision

     I realize I blog about my son with special needs a lot, but sometimes when you have a child like this it feels like that is the only thing that truly gets your focus.  Now I know that is not a true statement, but it just feels true during these tough seasons.  For every difficult situation we must deal with in regards to Tony, there are at least 10 times the blessings.  I always describe him as “more,” but not only is he more of the difficult, he is also more of the wonderful!  His milestones seem like so much more of a victory because we have to work so much harder to reach them—and when I say “we,” I mean the whole family.

     We are going through a difficult transition season, which is leaving my husband and I in a place of uncertainty.  When we moved this summer we had to go through the process with the schools to find out where the best fit for Tony was.  Once we found out where they wanted to send him we realized this was going to be a tough season—tougher than we had imagined.  We have never been truly satisfied with where the public school system initially sends Tony, but usually can find the bigger picture and see it as a step in the right direction.  This time, however, the school’s decision made the bigger picture blurry and unclear.  There have been lots of prayer, tears, fears, and uncertainties already this school year, and it hasn’t even been two months yet.

     Tony has been sent to a behavioral school for special needs children with more severe issues.  He has a forty-five minute bus ride everyday just to get to school and an hour or more ride to get home.  A fence with barbed wire surrounds the school, and he has to go through a metal detector as well as being patted down every morning upon entering his school.  Every staff member is specially trained for crisis situations, including the janitor and the cafeteria staff.  Needless to say, those facts cause me to fear.  As a matter of fact, I am actually crying as I have to type this description.  “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).  Ahhh, tears subsiding, feeling better.

     We have had issue-after-issue, struggle-after-struggle, and incident-after-incident every week and usually everyday.  The thing with Tony is that his struggles are mostly isolated to the school environment.  Now, I am not trying to say he doesn’t have struggles anywhere else.  What I am saying is that his usual struggles pale in comparison to those he has at school.  At home or church when he has a hard time it can be worked out with a little patience and understanding as we help him walk through the process of handling things himself.  At school, he totally loses it!  I can honestly say that I have never seen him behave the way the school describes.  I am not saying I do not believe the school—I do not have to see to believe—I am just saying I have never personally experienced it.  For years Tony’s schools have been referring to me as his security blanket because if I am around he is generally in control of himself and calm.

     I say all of this because we have a tough decision to make.  We have an ARD (Admission, Review, and Dismissal committee meeting) meeting on October 6th to discuss Tony’s IEP (Individual Education Program) and what the school has observed this year so far.  My stomach is in absolute knots just thinking about this meeting.  I hate to hear awful things being said about my precious children, and this meeting is gong to be filled with awful things.  “Even though I walk
through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4).  This meeting feels like a dark valley for me.  We have a choice to make.  First, to stick with this program, go all in and fight for Tony forcing the staff to figure him out and do what is right for him.  Second, pull him from school and homeschool him.  Both decisions have their own set of difficulties, neither one is the easy choice.  I just want to do what is right for my son!

     I must, at this time, confess my shortcomings to you.  Doing things “right” is not only important to me, but most times an absolute necessity above all.  I can get stuck trying to find the “right”  when the decision is really about what is best.  I know in my mind that there is not always a right or a wrong way; sometimes it is best and second best, or good and not-so-good.  This fact clouds my mind and generally gets shoved aside in my quest for “right”.  As I stated above, I want to do the right thing for Tony, not the best thing, or a good thing, but what is right.  The right choice will fix everything, right?  This is such an illusion, and I know it.  I am spending my prayer time intentionally praying for what is best for Tony in hopes that I can change my train of thought.  I am praying for God’s best for Tony for I know that His best is far greater than any “right” I could come up with.  I am praying for God’s counsel and discernment as my husband and I have to make this choice and a peace “which passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4:7) once the decision is made.  “Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion” (Psalm 73:23-26).

     Tony decided on Wednesday that he is going to try to be on his best behavior for the next four school days beginning with this past Thursday.  He said that if he can keep it together for the next four days then that would prove that he could handle school away from the house.  We talked about character and integrity and how he should control himself and behave the way he knows he should even when no one is looking.  He left for school Thursday assuring me he was going to have an awesome day so I didn’t need to worry.  I have heard this kind of thing from him before and I knew we had a 50/50 chance of this working for him.  Well, I am here to tell you, it WORKED!  He had an awesome day at school on Thursday with no “outbursts,” according to his teacher who called to tell me about it.  When Tony got home he was absolutely ecstatic about his day and could hardly contain himself while he was telling me about it.  Friday was not incident free, but it was far better than most of his days have been.  We are so proud of him and his efforts and we know he is capable of doing this most days.  We pray this behavior continues and his teachers are able to capitalize on his efforts.

      We are still praying, still questioning, and still searching for the best choice for Tony.  One good day doesn’t make this decision any easier, but it does give us hope for a future of good days.  Tony is such a special boy with a wonderfully sweet heart; we just want his teachers to see this side of him.  He is not defined by his bad behavior alone.  We still have a decision to make about his school, but for now I am basking in the glow of a good report, and resting in my hopes for another awesome day, which can turn into awesome weeks.   I am also taking the time to be thankful that God already knows the outcome for Tony and that this is all in His hands.  “’For I know the plans I have for you, ‘declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).

In Stereo

     This whole "living intentionally" thing has really demanded my attention lately.  What things play into your reasoning when you are deciding if you should add something to your schedule?  Do you pray about it first?  Do you check your schedule to make sure it fits?  Do you think about your life and what you want it to look like, and if this potential commitment falls in line?  Or do you fly by the seat of your pants and just hope it all works out?  How do you think God would have you do it?  “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.  Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding, but must be controlled by bit and bridle, or they will not come to you” (Psalm 32:8-9).  I do not want to be a mule!

     When I was a young girl in youth group I heard a lesson so profound that it stuck with me all my life.  It was about asking God for what your heart desires so He can bless you with it.  I was taught that so many times we are missing out on God's blessing simply because we don't ask.  It was the story (clearly a fictional one) that had the biggest impact on me.  It was about a person who dies and goes to heaven.  Jesus is showing this person around and takes him to a closet full of wonderful gifts.  The person asks “Jesus, what is all of this?" and Jesus replies, "These are all the blessings I wanted to give you that you never asked for."  I do NOT want to get to heaven and find a closet full of blessings I missed!  

     When God wants me to hear something He speaks to me in stereo.  The message is everywhere I turn.  Right now, God has the stereo finely tuned in surround sound so that I can hear nothing else except "LIVE INTENTIONALLY!"  I find this message in Sunday morning sermons, the books I am reading, podcasts, broadcasts, and even conversations with friends.  Sometimes I even hear it in my head as I am experiencing someone or something not being intentional.  No matter where I go or what I am doing, I can't seem to escape this message lately, not that I would want to.  If left to my own abilities and thoughts, God knows I would be lost, so He puts His message everywhere so I am sure not to miss it!  "'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are my ways your ways,' declares the Lord" (Isaiah 55:8).  I want to live my life God’s way, not mine.

     I am at the point where I have to choose things to give my time to.  We recently moved back to Texas this summer so my schedule is far from full.  Two of my three kids are back to school so I feel like now that I know their schedules I can set mine.  We recently found a church home and I am ready to start serving and committing my time there.  I also have some projects I feel God is calling me to like blogging, writing, and giving myself some time to take care of me.  Then there is baby girl who could use an activity of her own that we can do together, like a mommy and me gymnastics class.  On top of all of that, we are still trying to figure out what the best educational plan for Tony is, and homeschool is one of the options.  As you can see, it would be easy for my schedule to be suddenly overbooked with all good things, but am I choosing the best things God has planned for me? 

     Let's take the church as an example.  I love to work with the youth, the babies, women's ministry, community outreach, small groups, serving on Sunday mornings, and hospitality.  Clearly I cannot do all of it, so I have a choice to make.  Am I going to seek God first and ask Him for His plan?  Am I going to go in too deep and spread myself to thin?  Am I going to feel overwhelmed and do nothing?  I know what the right answer is, but how many times do I really go with the right answer?  “Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails” (Proverbs 19:21).  I am fortunate that we have moved every two to four years because it has allowed me a "do over" in my schedule each time we move.  This time I am being intentional with my prayers, intentional with planning, and intentional with the speed in which I commit.  I cannot begin to tell you how freeing it is not to feel like I have to do something or to feel guilty if I don't do it.  I am on God's schedule and in God's plan.

     I watched an Internet broadcast on Monday by Chalene Johnson, and it was awesome.  Whether you are so busy you can't breathe, or feeling like your life is not your own, or even if you are like me and just creating your schedule; this is for you.  Here is the link so you can go watch it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vh_-X4LrWlI   It is a four part series and this is the first one.  I was first introduced to Chalene through Turbo Kick about 10 years ago.  I was an aerobics instructor and went through the Turbo Kick certification.  Now, I have never met her in person, but have watched many videos from her and truly feel like I know her—crazy stalker alert, I know!  She is such an inspiration and I just know you will love her.

     So, here are some questions for you.  How do you think God wants you to live your life?  What does He want you to give your time to?  Is your life even close to either of those two answers?  I would love to hear from you, tell me what your life looks like and how God is working in and through you.  In fact, go ahead and put your comments below in the comments section.  Life is a journey of learning, let your lessons help others with their journey as well.

Satan's Radar

     Have you ever noticed that when you decide to follow God's plan for your life, that satan is just waiting in the wings to try and thwart your efforts?  Like you are wearing a neon sign that reads, “Look here satan, I am living for the Lord.  Come and get me!”  No matter how prepared you think you are, or how on guard against satan you may feel, he can still weasel his way in and try to mess things up.  If he can’t mess up the plan, he will at least play some crazy mind games.   Sometimes it is tempting to want to fly under satan's radar to avoid these attacks, but that is not how God would have us do it.  We are to live boldly and out loud for God!  “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12).  This is what is going on in my life right now.

     We have recently moved, so I am in the process of figuring out what things I am going to add to my plate.  Things like serving at church, blogging, writing, exercising, kids activities, etc…   I am trying to live intentionally for Christ, and apparently satan does not like that at all.  I have been feeling that if I don’t live intentionally I will unintentionally miss the best of what God has for my life.  I am reading a few really good books right now that are helping me make the plans I feel God is leading me to.  I am learning the importance of making a schedule so I can be sure not to over commit, and only give my time to what is best for me.  Two of the books are, “The Best Yes," by Lysa TerKeurst and “Do What You Can Plan," by Holley Gerth.  I highly recommend both of these books, though I haven’t finished them yet.

     So I sat down this past Sunday and made a schedule.  Monday was the first day on the new schedule.  Now I don’t have everything on it yet, but I have left spaces for what I plan to add within the next month.  I should tell you that I hate to be too busy or over-booked.  As a matter of fact, if I am too busy, causing me to miss out on family time, I actually feel less accomplished and less fulfilled.  I need my family time, playtime with my kids, time at home, and dinnertime around our table as a family.  These are things that make me selfish with my time and unwilling to give it away to just anything.  I am willing to follow God where He leads me, and I truly believe that is centered on my family time and His ministry.

     You already know the craziness that was my Monday, but what I blogged about is only half of it.  Satan was lurking around every corner trying to mess up my day.  I found myself doubting my abilities and what I feel is God’s calling on my life.   Not everything that interrupted my plans was a bad thing.  Sometimes the things that throw us off God’s path are good things, but these good things are keeping us from God’s best things.  I found my day filled with good things—and some not so good and hard things—but all the while I felt like I was missing the best of what God had planned for me.  It was a yucky feeling to say the least.  “I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted” (Job 42:2).

     With each new day came new challenges and more interruptions to my newly implemented schedule.  Tony had a rough couple of days at school, and when I say rough, I mean down-right crippling.   This resorted in him staying home with me on Wednesday, the day I had a planned meeting with the pastor.   Each day I watched my schedule fly by with very little of it actually being accomplished.  Thankfully the one thing that wasn’t missed all week was my early morning quiet time with the Lord, which had it’s own obstacles to overcome.  Without that time with God in the mornings I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have made it through the week in one piece.  I went to bed every night exhausted and feeling a bit defeated, some nights more than a bit.

     You want to know what one of the best things about God is?   “Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning” (Lamentations 3:23).  This promise brings me such comfort after a week like this.  So, even though my days weren’t going according to plan, it was so comforting to know that each day is a new day with new and fresh mercies just waiting for me.  Each day is a chance for us to do it better, follow God more completely, and beat satan at his own game—even if I had failed miserably at defeating him the day before.  God gives us a fresh slate, and believe me; I needed a fresh slate everyday this week.  I needed God’s grace and mercy just to get myself out of the bed every day.  And they were there, waiting for me each morning like a warm hug, gently lifting me out of bed to face my day.  Earnestly pushing me forward to do better, be better, and have better.  To seek out God's best for me.

     I am not trying to imply that my week was all bad, not even close.  As a matter of fact, my week was full of many beautiful, and some unexpected, blessings!  I had the privilege of watching Tony have his horseback riding lesson.  I was able to meet with the pastor of the church I go to and figure out where I can serve, which was one of my goals for the week.  My BFF babysat baby girl, which was the first time she has ever been able to do that.  I even got to visit with a friend I haven’t seen in years, and meet 2 of her precious boys, all thanks to Facebook.  Plus my social media friends surrounded my family in prayers this week.  Isn’t social media awesome?  I was able to shower Tony with the affection he needed after a rough couple of days and spend some time with just him, thanks to my husband who put baby girl to bed.  Plus, I have been able to blog 3 times this week, which I have discovered is some of my favorite time.  All in all, I would have to say my week was a success; but like every success story it has been laced with failure and upset.  Thank you Lord that you can raise up a victory out of so many losses!

     *As a side note, this is a quote from “The Best Yes” that I read during my quiet time this morning:  “Never is a woman so fulfilled as when she chooses to underwhelm her schedule so she can let God overwhelm her soul.” By Lysa TerKeurst.  Yes and yes!  Thank you God, that you know just the words I need exactly when I need them.  Thank you for speaking to me in stereo so I am sure not to miss what you would have me hear.  Amen.

And Potty Training Begins

     I have a 2 year old!  That statement alone should paint a vivid picture for everyone of my life.  It is time to start potty training so I have been talking about it with her a lot.  Now, I should add here, this is my first girl to potty train; my two oldest are boys, so this is a whole new ball game.  She seems excited about it and we have purchased all the fun character panties to make it fun.  I also have to add that her favorite ones are her Wonder Woman panties and when she puts them on she raises one arm straight up in the air and shouts “wanna woma!”  That’s my girl!  I so wish I could post a picture of her, but alas that cannot happen—yet.

     Ok, back on topic people.  So, yesterday, as I was typing my previous blog about my stellar parenting, my precious little treasure decided to do exactly what I have been telling her she needs to do; put her poop in the potty.  Now I am sure all of you can see how bad this is going to be for me, so here’s how it played out.  She comes into the office and proclaims proudly “poop potty mommy.”  I am (at first) excited that she is asking to go to the potty, then I realize she isn’t wearing a diaper—and what is that smell?  Oh my goodness people, I mean really!  She is holding her diaper in her hand with two very important things missing from it.  The first thing missing is her hiney, and the second, and most important, is the poop!  I calmly begin to freak out inside and ask her slowly, “where is your poop?”

     She excitedly takes my hand to lead me into the bathroom.  There, on the floor, not in the potty as I had hoped, was the poop.  I will spare you all the details, but I will tell you that she was oh so very proud of herself.  I told her that was “gross” and that poop belonged in the potty and that she was not to take her diaper off by herself anymore.  Bless her little sassy heart, she put her hand on her hip, and pointed to the poop with her other hand and demanded, “mommy, keen poop now, eewww.”  If I hadn’t been so totally grossed out I would have had her clean it herself—but I couldn’t—I mean, I just couldn’t!

     So, I put her in her Wonder Woman panties and brought a small pink princess potty to my living room.  At this point, I should add that all of this happened less than 20 minutes before the CPS-agent was to arrive at my house for our once a month visit.  I will admit, it could have been worse, this all could have happened with her here, but in the moment that did not bring me comfort.  Then baby girl decided to pee on the stairs 5 minutes before our social worker arrived—potty training is messy people, oh so very messy.   So a quick cleaning of the steps and a fresh pair of Wonder Woman panties and we were ready.

     I can only imagine what the social worker must have thought when she entered my home.  There before her is my baby girl with her crazy hair, that I had fixed earlier that morning but she decided to mess up.  Wearing her Wonder Woman pajama shirt, cape, and Wonder Woman panties with a princess potty in the middle of my living room, we began our visit.  I am almost too embarrassed to disclose that I was wearing workout clothes, that had yet to be worked-out in, with no make-up, my glasses on and a ponytail.  Not too mention that baby girl decided to completely take her panties off, kick them across the room—toward the social worker—and pee in the potty in the middle of the living room, not once, but twice I tell you.  To the social worker's credit, she clapped her hands and cheered with me both times baby girl went potty and even gave her high fives!  Oh well, we will just chalk this up to another parenting win for Mom!   The good, the bad, the ugly, the stinky, and the messy; all in a days work!