Please Stand By

     Sometimes, no matter how well you guard your schedule and try to prevent yourself from over committing, you find yourself with too much on your plate.  It may not be a permanent busyness, it could just be a bit of a busy season, but it is busy all the same.  I struggle with my feelings of doubt when commitments approach my capacity..  I ask myself; “Is this really what God wants for me?”  “Did I commit to something that wasn’t meant for me?”  “Does God really want me to be this busy?”  “What if I can’t handle all of this and do a bad job?”  I begin to feel overwhelmed with just my thoughts.

     I find myself at the beginning of a busy period.  It isn’t going to quite be a season, because this busyness will subside once things are rolling.  Here is how it happened:  I have been praying for what God would have me commit my time to.  Trying to be intentional about each thing I put on my plate.  I carefully and prayerfully chose a select few things that I felt God was leading me to.  It looked like all of these things would be staggered in their start-up times so it seemed to be perfect – I could gradually grow into the commitments.  I should know by now that when things look perfect on paper, there is no bearing on how they will actually play out in real life.

     So hear I am with my perfectly planned schedule, yet everything seems to be starting all at the same time.  Oh, and I added a commitment that I hadn’t previously planned for, but feel it is what I am suppose to do all the same.  To complicate things, I already have tasks that I committed to, outside of the battle-rhythm of the day, that are in motion, such as, blogging, kid’s activities, writing, etc…  A few weeks ago I started serving on Sunday mornings at church, which is so wonderful, but the area I am serving needs a little more organization than I anticipated—but this is ok, because I love organizing.  A couple of weeks ago I signed up to sell a health product called Plexus; I am just as shocked as anyone about that!  Plus, I just became the director for Cityserve at Citymark church, which is our outreach program and my absolute passion.  This role will require research and planning as there are already a few events attached to this commitment.  Let’s not forget all the regular mom and wife duties that do not do themselves.  Oh, and one more thing, we have a few foster care commitments such as paperwork, appointments, and classes.  Whew, I am exhausted just thinking about it.

     All of this appears to be a lot, and it is, but I don’t believe it will be too much.  Once everything is in motion, each task will not demand as much time.  Once organized, my Sunday morning service will only need my time on Sunday mornings, with just an occasional email or scheduling task during the week.  Plexus will only take up as much time as I choose to give it.  Cityserve will only be periodic since we do not do daily service projects.  Most of our foster care obligations will be done by December.  After this initial start-up period my schedule will be more predictable and much more manageable.   Even though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel I still find myself plagued with concern for my abilities to handle all that is on my plate.   

     Do you ever feel that your full plate is the precursor to the bottom falling out from the more routine things in life?  Kind of like piling more food on an already full paper plate—you know, the cheap flimsy ones—only to have it give way from the added weight.  This is where I feel like I am heading.  All the things I have added to my schedule are bringing me such joy; even though they are a bit time consuming now.  All these things are things I am choosing to do to further God’s kingdom; satan clearly doesn’t like that at all.  “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken” (Psalm 52:22).

     Just as I find myself knee deep in my righteous schedule, satan seems to be unraveling other areas of my life right before my eyes.  Tony is struggling at school leaving my husband and I unsure of the right decision for him.  I recently felt led to start a women’s Bible study, only to have that fall though due to poor attendance.  And because of our recent move, my husband and I are going through a time of financial planning that is leaving us wondering how all the pieces will fit together..  Plus with all of this stress we are struggling to find the time and energy to connect with each other everyday.  These are only a few distractions that are weighing us down during this timeframe.  It would be easy for us to feel defeated or burdened under the weight of these stresses and decisions.  The Bible says, “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

     There are times when I can’t free or reduce my schedule, but I need to take time to be still and hear from God.  No matter how busy I am, I am never too busy for my God.  When my plate is the fullest that is when my time with God needs to be the most purposeful.   I just need to pray the negative thoughts away, focus my eyes on God, and take one step at a time as God leads, always remembering that this schedule is not written in stone and anything can be moved, changed, or dropped entirely.  I do not have to become a slave to my schedule.  “Plant your feet firmly therefore within the freedom that Christ has won for us, and do not let yourselves be caught again in the shackles of slavery” (Galatians 5:1).  As long as my goal is God’s plan, it will all work for His good…and in His timing.  I interrupt this regularly scheduled life for some crazy busy time; please stand by!

Jogging Makes Me Stupid

     I am not a runner.  As a matter of fact, I am barely a jogger.  I try to be a jogger, but I have yet to really enjoy it.  For years, people have been telling me that jogging/running can be addictive, especially if you start doing races.  Another thing I was told was that running could really make you drop pounds quick.  I have discovered that these people clearly lie and desperately need to repent!  I will continue to pray for them until they see the error of their ways.

     I have realized that running does not cause the endorphins to flow through me, like they do in others, resulting in happy feelings.  To tell you the truth, I am a mean jogger.  I am too embarrassed to tell you how many times I told my husband to “shut-up” during our first 5k together.  Let me just put it this way, my goal for our second 5k was not to tell him to shut-up—but I thought it almost the whole time.  Even when I am jogging by myself I still tend to shout “shut-up” out loud, A LOT!

     Here is a peak into my mind as I am jogging…

“How long have I been running?  Only two minutes, are you kidding me?  I should just quit; this is ridiculous.  Shut-up!  I’m glad I am wearing bright colors today so the cars won’t run me over when I pass out in the street.  How much longer?  Really?  This is horrible.  Shut-up!  I want some ice cream.  Shut-up!  Sing it Mandisa.  I am stronger; I can do this.  I wonder if I have burned enough calories to have a bowl of ice cream yet?  Oh my goodness, I haven’t even gone a mile yet.  Jogging is stupid!”

  This is an actual exert from my mind.  Clearly jogging is way more of a mind game than a physical challenge for me.

     I have done four 5k races to date.  Although, one of them was a mud run and I have to say there was way more slithering in mud than actual running.  At the beginning of the year when our family was setting our goals, my oldest son and I decided we were going to do a 10k before the end of the year.  Seriously?  Who did I think I was?  Jogging simply makes me stupid.  Needless to say, here we are nearing the end of October and we have yet to run our 10k.  I was looking up races last weekend and found a 10k for the following week.  I though it would be a good idea until I read that there was a time limit.  I would have to finish the race in one and a half hours.  So, I figured I better see if I could actually do such a thing.

     After getting dressed for a run, I begin looking for my phone where my music and running app are.  I finally find it only to discover that Tony has used up almost all of my battery.  I put it on the charger and finished getting ready.  Meanwhile, my husband is suggesting a new path to run and claimed it is fairly shaded.  Once I am ready to go, I decide my phone is charged enough, so I set out on the path.  About 10 minutes into my jog I realize running after eating biscuits, sausage, and gravy for breakfast was not a genius plan.  After about three more minutes, I conclude the hearty breakfast was a great idea for stamina, but this run is stupid.  The battle in my mind is getting heated and I have already yelled “shut-up” twice and I haven’t even gone two miles yet.  At this point I am becoming angry with my husband because the shade he claimed was going to accompany this trail was nowhere to be found.

     Then I see it, partially hidden in the brush, a warning sign.  It read, “CAUTION ALLIGATOR & SNAKE HABITAT” and the sign had a couple of skulls painted on it.  This began my high step sprinting.  Just as I was slowing down to prevent death, I see them, across the water, and one of them is looking right at me.  Two alligators just waiting for a slow fat girl to come jogging by all out of breathe so they could easily chase her down for a snack.  I no longer have the energy for a sprint, so I stop and take their pictures.  All the while I am thinking some not so pleasant thoughts about my husband.

     A little over four miles into my jog I realize there is no way I am going to finish this thing in the allotted time.  I try to convince myself that I can push it out and make it happen, then I realize just how old and out of shape I am.  Just over five miles in my phone dies.  Defeated, exhausted, sweaty, angry, and hurting…I stagger home.  What the heck was I thinking?  If I am going to run a 10k I clearly need to prepare myself better and pick a race without a time limit.  Here I am five days later and I am still feeling the effects from that jog.  Getting old and out of shape is no fun—but running is even worse!

This Is Me

     So, here is a glimpse into my real life…the real me if you will.  I—AM—CHEAP!  I confess this boldly with confidence and no shame.  I love a good deal and can’t seem to make a purchase unless I can find one.  I find myself saying things like “I would have $10 liked that, but I don’t $15 like it,” or “if that was $5, I would totally buy it, but $10 is just outrageous.”  Don’t get me wrong, I like good quality things; I just don’t like their high prices.  I wonder if I would be different if I was extremely wealthy, or would I just have more cheap things?

     Some of my hardest “cheap” struggles involve clothing, shoes, jewelry, and purses.  I love them all equally, but just can’t bear to spend a lot of money on any of them.  People are always recommending places to shop and saying things like, “their prices are really reasonable,” or, “the prices are really low,” or “this place is totally affordable.”  The problem is that when I get to these places or look at them on-line, I am usually shocked at what people find affordable.  I find five dollars affordable, ten dollars affordable, and sometimes even fifteen or twenty dollars affordable if I really like it; fifty dollars and up seems totally outrageous.  That being said, there are a few items that are exempt from this rule like; cowboy boots, James Avery jewelry, athletic shoes, and wedding rings.  I still struggle with the prices of these items too, I just know that the prices are what they are and my love for them drives me to buy them—occasionally.

     I get such a thrill when I find a good deal.  When someone offers a compliment on something I am wearing or what my children are wearing, I usually can’t stop myself from telling them how little I spent on it.  I am not sure if being cheap is something to brag about, but I find myself doing it from time-to-time.  Part of me is cheap because I am trying to be a good steward of our money, but the other part of me is driven by something totally different.  I pay less for things so I can have more of them.  For example, I would rather have a cheap purse or a watch in every color as opposed to an expensive watch or purse in one neutral color.  Sometimes I think I end up spending the same amount of money, I just have more stuff to show for it.  My thinking is…I like variety, I like to change things up, and if I spend a lot of money on one item I feel like I have to use that item and only that item.  Like my wedding ring, it was expensive, and my husband talks about wanting to get me a new one, but I feel guilty when the one I have is perfectly fine and doesn’t need replacing.  I don’t feel guilty replacing a cheap purse that has been worn out.  I feel like I have gotten my money’s worth out of a $10 purse that I have had for four or five years.  My purses usually last at least that long because I have so many to choose from they don’t get used as often as if I had one good expensive one.

     Being the fall season, this is the time of year I struggle the most.  School has started, the weather is changing, winter is coming, and everyone needs new clothes and shoes.  I try to shop for deals and find myself so frustrated at the prices.  I just can’t bring myself to spend $25-$35 on a pair of shoes for my two-year-old.  She is going to grow out of them even before the season ends and many times they will still look like new.  Even my boys stuff is a struggle because they too are growing, but they are also very hard on things, making it difficult for their clothes to last even until they grow out of them.  I want to be wise with the spending of our money but it seems to be a hard thing to do in this day and age.

     I love resale and consignment for baby girl, and sometimes even me, but by the time kids get to my boys age, 11 and 15, the selection of clothes there is sparse.  I also find that these types of stores are not user friendly if you have a child in a stroller.   They are usually packed in so tight there simply isn’t room for a stroller, but taking little miss sassy pants into a store without a stroller is like signing my own death wish!  I end up feeling stuck and frustrated and still in need of clothes and such for the kids.

     Unfortunately my cheap side did not get passed down to my 15 year old.  When he tells me something is affordable, it gives me heart palpitations.  His idea of inexpensive jeans is $50…I repeat, $50, I mean, really?  I usually let him know how much I am willing to spend on any item and tell him he has to cover the difference with his own money.  This concept works for most things he needs, but unfortunately not all of them.  Have you priced football cleats or athletic shoes lately?  They are outrageous!  His football cleats, for example, will be stinky and gross after the first practice and yet cost me an arm and a leg to purchase.  Plus, he not only needs cleats for practice, but he also needs another pair for games—can you say, money-hemorrhage!  He better sign a NFL contract and pay me back for all of this—I kid, I kid—sort of.

     So, I am off to do some more on-line price comparisons so baby girl will have some clothes to wear this winter.  Perhaps I need to get better at sewing so I can just make her clothes.  Of course, fabric isn’t cheap either.  I tell you, the struggle is real people, the struggle is real.

God's Promises

     About a year ago I did a Bible study on Gideon and what I discovered was most unexpected!  God knows exactly what we need even before we need it, and this Bible study was just that for me.  I joined this Bible study because Gideon is a biblical character I didn't know much about but was interested to learn more.  Also, it was a Pricilla Shirer Bible study and I had never been in one of her studies before.  I was not really thinking that Gideon's story would have so many life applications for my own life-story.  I had no idea this would be exactly what I needed and my life would depend on these truths that were revealed.

     When I was a young girl I dreamed of being a pastor's wife and having a lot of kids.  Though I never knew how many kids I would have I always dreamed of having a big family.  When I met and fell in love with my husband, I was shocked to find out that he was not a pastor. In addition, he only wanted two kids, a boy and a girl.  After much talking he agreed that if we had two children of the same gender he would be willing to go for a third, but three was his limit—period.  So began my prayer for two boys and twin girls (or maybe even triplets).  I wondered why God would lead me to a man in the military who didn't want a big family like I did, but I trusted Him and followed His leading believing God could make miracles happen—and by miracles I mean changing my husband's heart.  Plus, I was totally in love with this man and just knew we were meant to be.

     Soon after getting married, we realized there were fertility issues and having kids would not be as easy as we had hoped.  Again, I questioned God and the promises I felt He made to me so many years before.  Unfortunately, I was not in a place in my Christian walk where I relied on God and my faith in Him.  So many days I was left in a dark place without hope.  Finally after a few years of infertility struggles my husband and I were blessed with a healthy baby boy and I felt we were on our way to our big happy family and we were finally over the struggles.  The struggles definitely didn't end there.  Soon after the birth of our son we began planning for our next child, my next pregnancy—this was not to be!

     When Lance was four we began the adoption process and were met with one disappointment after another.  Again, I began to question God's promise, but this time my relationship with God and faith in Him were in alignment so I was able to turn and lean on Him in our struggle.  Finally, we received an unexpected call from the adoption agency and 2 days later we had our second son!  Basking in the glow of God's promises I thought I now knew how God planned to grow the rest of our family; adoption was going to be our ticket to the family I had always dreamt of.  I saw His plan clearly and knew just how it was going to play out.  The next several years, however, were plagued with struggles and disappointments, but no more children.  Steve and I struggled with each other, as our minds weren't on the same path.  He was content with our boys and I still felt like there was a daughter (or two) out there that belonged in our family.

     We finally got on the same page and felt called to foster to adopt, which is something I never would have thought I would be able to do.  I thought we would go through another adoption agency as before, but God clearly had other plans.  I believed we were meant to have a baby girl (or two or three) and just couldn't see how that could happen through foster care.  So, you guessed right, once again I was questioning God and His promise.  The first call we got was to foster a 14-year-old girl, which is not exactly a baby, but we felt a strong pull at our hearts to parent her.  We were immediately blessed by our obedience as we fell in love with this girl so deeply and so quickly.   I almost thought that God’s plan had changed and that a baby girl was not to be in our future, but that maybe it was a teenage girl instead.

     Three weeks later, I was recovering mentally from a rough couple of days with foster care issues.  My loving husband was trying to give me words of encouragement and love to begin my day.  He was quoting some scripture and told me to go forth and prosper, but not to multiply while he was gone. We both laughed and kissed as he was off to a seminar near the house for the day instead of his usual long commute into Washington, D.C.  Well, no more than 15 minutes after he leaves we get a call and were asked to foster a six-month-old baby girl!  I am pretty sure I said yes even before calling my husband to discuss it, but quickly came to my senses and told the social worker I would have to call her back after I talked to Steve.  I called him, trying to hold back the tears, and said, “Remember how you told me not to multiply?  Well, I did!”  I could no longer hold back the tears of joy as I tried to explain to him what had just happened.  Needless to say, we were both able to go to the hospital together and meet this precious baby girl.

     We have had seven foster children come and go from our home in the past couple of years and one baby girl still in our home today that we are faithfully waiting on God to release for adoption.  This is a total of 10 kids I have mothered and loved!  And there it is, my big happy family that God had promised me all along.  It would be easy for me to look at my current situation and be disappointed and not see the promises fulfilled because it hasn't happened as I planned.  But the truth is, God promised me all those years ago that I would be a mom and have a big family, He never told me how that was going to happen—and His plan has been so much greater than I ever could have imagined!  Now I am left wondering, what other promises have I missed along the way because I was so busy focusing on my plans instead of His and I missed the big picture?

     Oh, and about that promise of me being married to a pastor—God is still faithful.  After getting baby girl in our home, Steve finished seminary receiving a masters in Christian Ministry.  He has been called into the ministry and plans to pursue that after retiring from the Coast Guard.  God has been grooming Steve all along to fulfill His plan—and my dream.  I can look back now and see all the things God has placed in Steve’s path to prepare him for this call and I am amazed.  When God makes a promise, He fulfills it on His time—His perfect time, not ours.  He brings His promises to fruition in His ways—His perfect ways, not ours.

     So, today I am thankful for God's promises and that he is faithful to fulfill them, and that His way is always so much better and more fulfilling than my way could ever dream of being!  I am also thankful for a patient and loving God.  A God who is patient with a girl who struggles with doubt and constantly seems to question Him when all the while He is faithfully carrying out His plans with love for His purpose despite this human who is always getting in His way!  Oh what a gift it is to follow such a loving God who continues to love and bless me even when I don't always recognize it!  Let’s look for His blessings today—they truly are all around us.