Jogging Makes Me Stupid

     I am not a runner.  As a matter of fact, I am barely a jogger.  I try to be a jogger, but I have yet to really enjoy it.  For years, people have been telling me that jogging/running can be addictive, especially if you start doing races.  Another thing I was told was that running could really make you drop pounds quick.  I have discovered that these people clearly lie and desperately need to repent!  I will continue to pray for them until they see the error of their ways.

     I have realized that running does not cause the endorphins to flow through me, like they do in others, resulting in happy feelings.  To tell you the truth, I am a mean jogger.  I am too embarrassed to tell you how many times I told my husband to “shut-up” during our first 5k together.  Let me just put it this way, my goal for our second 5k was not to tell him to shut-up—but I thought it almost the whole time.  Even when I am jogging by myself I still tend to shout “shut-up” out loud, A LOT!

     Here is a peak into my mind as I am jogging…

“How long have I been running?  Only two minutes, are you kidding me?  I should just quit; this is ridiculous.  Shut-up!  I’m glad I am wearing bright colors today so the cars won’t run me over when I pass out in the street.  How much longer?  Really?  This is horrible.  Shut-up!  I want some ice cream.  Shut-up!  Sing it Mandisa.  I am stronger; I can do this.  I wonder if I have burned enough calories to have a bowl of ice cream yet?  Oh my goodness, I haven’t even gone a mile yet.  Jogging is stupid!”

  This is an actual exert from my mind.  Clearly jogging is way more of a mind game than a physical challenge for me.

     I have done four 5k races to date.  Although, one of them was a mud run and I have to say there was way more slithering in mud than actual running.  At the beginning of the year when our family was setting our goals, my oldest son and I decided we were going to do a 10k before the end of the year.  Seriously?  Who did I think I was?  Jogging simply makes me stupid.  Needless to say, here we are nearing the end of October and we have yet to run our 10k.  I was looking up races last weekend and found a 10k for the following week.  I though it would be a good idea until I read that there was a time limit.  I would have to finish the race in one and a half hours.  So, I figured I better see if I could actually do such a thing.

     After getting dressed for a run, I begin looking for my phone where my music and running app are.  I finally find it only to discover that Tony has used up almost all of my battery.  I put it on the charger and finished getting ready.  Meanwhile, my husband is suggesting a new path to run and claimed it is fairly shaded.  Once I am ready to go, I decide my phone is charged enough, so I set out on the path.  About 10 minutes into my jog I realize running after eating biscuits, sausage, and gravy for breakfast was not a genius plan.  After about three more minutes, I conclude the hearty breakfast was a great idea for stamina, but this run is stupid.  The battle in my mind is getting heated and I have already yelled “shut-up” twice and I haven’t even gone two miles yet.  At this point I am becoming angry with my husband because the shade he claimed was going to accompany this trail was nowhere to be found.

     Then I see it, partially hidden in the brush, a warning sign.  It read, “CAUTION ALLIGATOR & SNAKE HABITAT” and the sign had a couple of skulls painted on it.  This began my high step sprinting.  Just as I was slowing down to prevent death, I see them, across the water, and one of them is looking right at me.  Two alligators just waiting for a slow fat girl to come jogging by all out of breathe so they could easily chase her down for a snack.  I no longer have the energy for a sprint, so I stop and take their pictures.  All the while I am thinking some not so pleasant thoughts about my husband.

     A little over four miles into my jog I realize there is no way I am going to finish this thing in the allotted time.  I try to convince myself that I can push it out and make it happen, then I realize just how old and out of shape I am.  Just over five miles in my phone dies.  Defeated, exhausted, sweaty, angry, and hurting…I stagger home.  What the heck was I thinking?  If I am going to run a 10k I clearly need to prepare myself better and pick a race without a time limit.  Here I am five days later and I am still feeling the effects from that jog.  Getting old and out of shape is no fun—but running is even worse!