Wise Words

     Many people come and go through our lives as friends or acquaintances and each one of them leave a lasting mark.  Some marks are good and some marks are more like scars, but they all give us character and help shape who we are.  I try to take something away from each person that will help me on my journey, even if it is only what not to do.  I find that many times the people I get the most from seem to be the ones that are more on the quiet side, perhaps this should be a lesson for me—maybe a lesson for another day!  My father-in-law was one of those people, quiet and wise.  He passed away over 12 years ago, but his words and actions are with me everyday.  “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future” Proverbs 19:20

     He had a way of encouraging me without ever uttering a word.  A gentle pat on the back or leg, or maybe a wink from across the room, or maybe it was just his presence.  I don’t think this is a trait that can be learned, I think it was just who he was.  When he did use words of encouragement I held onto them and cherished them in my heart—still do.  Most of the time it was something simple like, “you are doing a good job”, “I am proud of you”, or “you are a good mommy.”  These things meant more to me than he probably ever knew.  There are also sayings we still use that came directly from him and we pass them onto our children.  Things like “no mullygrubing”,  “finish what you start”, and the one we use the most “don’t ever let anyone steal your happiness,” the last one is the one I want to discuss today.

     One of the things Tony struggles with is spending too much time focused on others; what others are doing, saying, thinking, etc…  Now, many of you could probably say the same thing about your children, but he is a bit different.  The best way I can describe Tony is, he is just like all other kids his age, just more.  He is more loving, more angry, more distracted, more focused, more tenderhearted, more frustrated, etc...  So when I say he focuses too much on others what I really mean is that he hyper-focuses more on others.  He wants everyone to follow the same rules exactly the same way and if someone is even slightly off he really struggles.  We spend a large amount of time trying to work through this and teach him to handle it, but we see very little progress so far.

     So, last night while tucking him into bed and having our sweet discussion time about the upcoming week, I remind him to make it “the most super-awesome-spectacular week ever.”  Then he proceeds to tell me about a little boy in his class, let’s call him Charlie, who is driving him crazy.  He says, “Charlie is always making people lose it and have bad days.”  So I ask him, “Who is in charge of how Charlie acts?”  He replies, “Charlie is.”  Then I ask, “Who is in charge of how you act?”  He replies (with a bit of an eye roll) “I am, but Charlie really makes it hard for me”.  I proceed to explain to him that he shouldn’t give Charlie so much control, and that he needs to take his control back.  Then it comes to me, “Don’t ever let anyone steal your happiness."  I tell Tony he needs to be in charge of his own happiness and not to give it away to anyone.  I tell him, for the millionth time, that this was Grandpa’s saying and we need to carry it in our hearts and live it out everyday, just like Grandpa would want us to.  I was feeling really good about our chat and feeling like I had made an impact on him.  I was thankful to God for allowing my father-in-law to be in my life even if just for a short while.  I was teary just thinking that even though my father-in-law never got to meet Tony that he was still having a profound impact on him.

     So, my son gets up this morning and tells me he is going to tell Charlie to stop being a thief.  I immediately ask him what he is talking about; mornings are hard enough without forcing me to think and remember a conversation from the night before.   He proceeds to explain to me that since Charlie has been stealing his happiness he is going to call him a thief and tell him to stop it as soon as he sees him.  Mortified, I realize he took my conversation last night to a whole new level of “literal interpretation.”  I quickly explain that Charlie is not a thief and that he is not to say this to him, he is just to stop giving away his control.  So perhaps I should take this opportunity to apologize to his teachers for what I may have caused today!  Some days I just feel really awesome about how I am doing this whole mommy thing!

Copy Cats

     I don’t know about y’all, but my kids are parrots!  From my 15 year old to my 2 year old, they are all guilty of it.  They repeat just about anything they hear or see.  Sometimes this can be a good thing, but more often that not it is a bad thing or at the very least an embarrassing thing.   When you have one child they tend to really only copy the parents.  I remember when Lance was two I was in the living room talking on the phone to my best friend while he was playing in his room.  I may or may not have been lovingly complaining about a family member……don’t judge, you know you have done it!!  All of a sudden I could hear him through the baby monitor repeating my entire conversation while he was playing with his toys.  He was actually acting out my comments.  I was mortified, amused, and completely thankful I had never mentioned the name of the person I was talking about.

     As you add more kids to the family you are also adding more people for your kids to copy, and this is a scary concept.  I find myself uttering “monkey see, monkey do” constantly in regards to my 2 youngest.  Tony is always complaining about how Lance treats him, for example that Lance doesn’t want to play with him or that he won’t let him play a video game, etc…  However, I find he treats baby girl the same way, so my youngest reacts to my middle the way my middle reacts to my oldest.  It is a vicious cycle I tell you.  I try to point this out to my children and tell them that they need to be copying the ways of the Lord instead of man.  “Therefore be imitators of God as dear children.  And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma.” Ephesians 5:1-2.  I have tried to explain this logic to my children, it has yet to take root, but I am still hopeful!!

     Once our children reach a certain age we send them off to school, which is a whole other group of kids they can learn from and copy.   I wish they would only copy the good things, but more often than not they seek out the undesirable traits and focus on them.  As I have mentioned before, Tony has some special needs and has been attending special schools for the past couple of years.  When he was in the 3^rd grade I got a call from the teacher and she explained that he had been using his middle finger in school and it was becoming a problem.  Now, my first response was “why didn’t you call me the first time he did it instead of waiting for him to develop a habit of it?”.  However, my next question was, “Did you ask him if he knew what that meant?”.  His teachers explained that they hadn’t asked but it seemed very clear he understood and seemed to be using it appropriately.  Again I reiterated that they should ask him.  After much discussion I went up to the school and met with the teachers, the principal and my son so I could ask him.  This is what the conversation looked like: 

Me:  Tony, I understand you have been using your middle finger at school, is this correct?

Tony:  Uuummmm, yes. (with hesitation and uncertainty) 

Me:  Do you know what it means when you use your middle finger?

Tony:  Oh yes, but I can’t say it because it is a bad word and you will be mad.

Me:  I understand, but I am going to need you to tell me anyway.

~Now comes much hesitation from him and lots of coaxing by me. 

Tony:  (in a whisper) it means (long pause with shifty eyes) shut up!

~A few snickers spread through the room of adults, but they manage to keep it together.  

Me:  That is not what that finger means son.    

Tony:  Uh-ha, cuz every time I use it people shut up.  I saw a boy do it and all the kids got quiet so I used my middle finger to. 

~Now adults are having to excuse themselves from the room because they can no longer contain their laughter. 

My son was so serious and so convinced that he knew exactly what he was doing, but he did not!!!  He was merely copying and assuming he knew what he was doing.  It makes me think and wonder, how many times I thought I knew exactly what I was doing and what was saying was right, only it wasn’t!  How many times I gave someone advice I thought was helpful and insightful that in looking back I now see was useless and wrong.  Most of the time we operate from the good place in our hearts that wants to be helpful, not hurtful, wants to ease the troubles, not create them.  The problem is that we are human, we don’t know it all and we don’t always know what's best.  Thankfully we serve a God who does know it all and ALWAYS does what is right for us.  “For I know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11 

     So last week I was having a date lunch with my bff and baby girl was with us.  She is probably the worst about the copying.  She copies everything I do, from putting on make-up, to cleaning, to my facial expressions and tone of voice.  She is full of personality and so, so sassy!  Now, I had a full hysterectomy a year ago so at the young age of 41 I get to have hot flashes, I know, you are jealous!!  So we are sitting in a booth and she is mimicking our body language as my friend and I chat away.  Suddenly she seems exasperated, grabs the menu and begins to fan herself.  I mean really, for the love, now she is copying my hot flashes?!  These are the problems of a 2 year old with and old mommy!!!  Sometimes you just have to laugh!

It Is What It Is

     Good morning!  I so hadn’t planned on blogging 2 days in a row, but here I am, drinking a cup  of coffee, tapping away at my keyboard, and pouring out my heart.  Oh well, it is what it is!  As a mom I have discovered that sometimes no matter how hard I try, how smoothly things go, or how perfectly planned our mornings are, it gives me no guarantee that it will help my middle son have a good day. 

     Before I go any further here, I should introduce my kids so I can use their names instead of referring to their birth order!  My oldest is 15 and his name is Lance.  My middle son is 10 (almost 11) and his name is Tony.  My youngest is 2 and our foster child, so for now we will just refer to her as baby girl.  Once the adoption process begins I will share her name!

     Anyway, back to what I was saying (before I forget it entirely)!!  I try to have a relaxed, smooth sailing, calm morning routine for Tony; his special needs really require this.  Now, that being said, I am not always successful with this plan, especially when 2 other children, a husband and 2 dogs are thrown in the mix.

     So, the story of this morning really begins last night.  Lance had practice at our church with the band and told me they were going to dinner afterward.  I foolishly agreed to this without further time questions…….the beginning of epic mom fail!  By 8:00pm I hadn’t heard from him so sent him a text only to discover he was still at the church rehearsing and wasn’t sure when or if I needed to pick him up, or where they were going out to eat.  Long story short, the younger kids went to bed a bit later than normal and Lance did not arrive home until 11:00pm……..on a school night…….with homework yet to be done!  Needless to say, after getting into bed after midnight, 5:00am came way to quickly for me!  So when I wake Lance up this morning he reminds me that he has a football meeting at the school this morning and has to be there by 6:30………WHAT?!?!?!  So now, not only did we all get to bed late, but now we all have to get up and get moving extra early.  I choke back a lecture and frantically and purposefully begin getting things together before waking up Tony, in hopes that by the time I wake him up things will be calm and in control.

     Everything appears to be going well.  We are on time, and as a matter of fact, I got Lance to school earlier than he needed to be.  I was beginning to feel good about myself and my mom abilities……this should have been my warning sign!!  Once back home things continue to go smoothly and all seem calm and ready for the day.  The bus arrives to our house on time and I hug and kiss Tony, tell him to have a super, awesome fantastic day and wave to the bus driver from my front porch.  It was quite picturesque!  Baby girl and I go back inside and start talking about our day……for about 5 seconds until I realize the bus is stopped in front of my neighbors house.  As I am watching out the front door I hear the dreaded beeping, alerting me that the bus is in fact backing up and coming back to my house.  For the love!  All my effort, all my planning, all my calm loving words, and all I got was 5 seconds…….5 seconds of feeling like I had accomplished starting Tony’s day off right.

     Now I sit here after sending him off for the second time feeling like I have let him down……which I know isn’t true in my head, but my heart is stubborn and doesn’t always listen to logic.  I am analyzing every moment beginning with bedtime routine last night and ending with our second send off this morning.  What could I have done differently?  Why did he seem so happy and calm when I put him on the bus then immediately turned around and lost it?  Is sending him to school the best option for him?  Should I homeschool him again?  How can I help him when I am not with him?  Will this ever get easier?  And the questions go on and on and on.  No matter how things turn out for him today I have to let go of my guilt, control and anxieties and give it all to God!  I am thankful in these situations that it is not my responsibility to control any of this.  All I have to do is follow God, do what is possible, and leave the impossible to Him.  “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” Matthew 19:26  So in the midst of my anxieties and worries of the morning I am going to choose to praise God for all He has done, all He is doing, and all He has yet to do!

And now baby girl has just informed me she has a poopy diaper…….being a mom is so awesome!!

Let's Begin

     I have wanted to start a blog for many years, but never felt like I had the time or anything interesting enough to share.  I originally wanted to start one about 9 years ago when we started realizing my middle child was going to have some special needs.  At that time I felt so alone and would have loved to have had an outlet for all the crazy emotions I was dealing with.  Consequently I was also very busy with him and quite overwhelmed with his behavior and really probably didn’t have the time or mental clarity to blog.  He was diagnosed with autism, ADHD and an anxiety disorder when he was 8, but by the time he was diagnosed we already knew the issues so the diagnosis was no real surprise.  Though I will add, none of his doctors seem to agree on his diagnosis, other than the anxiety part….we all agree on that one.  Such is life, so we march on helping him with his struggles and not his diagnosis.

     Life with my kids keeps me busy and fulfilled, even when it is so hard I can hardly breathe.  I am hoping that there is someone out there that will find comfort and maybe a sense they are not alone within this blog.  Sometimes being a mom can be a very lonely job, especially when your child’s behavior prevents you from being able to go many places and be around people.  I know that set of circumstances all to well.  Let me just say now, it does get easier…….not easy, just easier.  The crazy becomes the normal and the normal seems crazy.  I wouldn’t trade any of my kids for the world and I know I am truly blessed to have each one of them in my life.  They have each changed me for the better and taught me more than I ever thought I could learn.

     I may not be able to relate to everyone’s individual circumstances, but I can relate to the heart of a mom who loves her child more than life and yet feels helpless to help said child.  The mom who wishes she could just make things easier for her child even when she knows that it is the struggles that will make them who they are.  These are the moms I am blogging for, the ones who need to laugh at the mess, cry over the difficulties and be embraced with understanding and love no matter where they are in their journey.  No judgments, only love and support here!

     I have no idea what God has in store for me to share with all of you lovelies, but I am giddy with anticipation.  I look forward to sharing live with all of you, whoever “all of you” may be.  I expect to laugh, cry, cringe and most likely over-share; and I might even do all of that in each post.  Hang on ladies, life is a roller coaster so we need to buckle up, throw our hands up in the air and scream with delight and fear!