I Am Sensitive

I am sensitive! There, I said it! I don’t do well with word jabs, or picking and poking at me and my attributes. I have tried for years to hide my sensitivity and pretend I can take it, but the fact is, words do hurt me. That old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just doesn’t apply to me. I believe words matter and can be sharper than any sword. I believe there are truths about me that are funny, quirky, and downright silly, and I don’t mind pointing those things out about myself and laughing about them with others. However, there are other things about me that are embarrassing, shameful, and that I downright don’t like. Those are the things that are not safe to pick on, make fun of or point out in a crowd.

My husband loves to go back and forth with someone picking and jabbing at each other. He has had to learn to live with the fact that I am not one of those people for him. Truth be told, it is probably one of his least favorite things about our relationship. For me, that kind of behavior feels more like insulting and making fun of someone about real things, but laughing it off like it is a joke-but it really isn’t. Sometimes I wish I was different in this area. I wish I could be less sensitive, more light-hearted and carefree about words, and not take them all to heart.

I take words very seriously. The truth is, I take what people say to me and about me to heart. My husband says that feedback is a gift and I can choose to take it or not. I have definitely not mastered that yet. When someone tells me something about myself, or I hear of something someone said about me, I internalize it, analyze it, and apply it to my life to see if there is any truth to it. Here is the big flaw in that; I am human and a sinner, and always find a place where any negative comments could be true.

The Bible talks a great deal about the tongue and it’s power. We are warned to control our tongue and to use it to bless people and not curse them.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.  ~Ephesians 4:29

In my mind and my heart, harsh words, whether said with a laugh and a joke or not, are hurtful. Sometimes I see other couples pick at each other and think I should be more like them, but I am not. The reality is, when I hear other couples pick on each other in a manor I perceive to be too harsh, I hurt for them and worry one of them may be internally hurt by the words, even if they don’t admit it. I guess I just can’t wrap my head around the ability to not take words to heart.

I feel like I am going through a season of fire with this particular trait of mine. I believe God is trying to grow me in this area, and I am struggling. Since my husband has become a pastor I find myself in situations where my sensitivities are hindering me. My analytical and often self-critical mind tries to go into over-drive and I am constantly trying to rein it in. I believe God has me here for a period of growth. If I am being honest, I am really pretty mad about it.

With my word for 2019 being “self-discipline”, I am continually figuring out new ways God is trying to stretch me in that area, and how far and wide self-discipline reaches in my life. I find myself wanting to throw a full on 2-year-old tantrum at God’s feet demanding He stop making me do this hard work. Then, I stand up, brush myself off, dry my tears and move forward, growing and learning through these painful lessons. 

My prayer in this season is that I learn how God would have me handle other’s words. I am not praying that He take away or lessen my sensitivity. Like every trait, there is a good side and a bad side to it. The bad side to sensitivity is my ability to be too easily and unnecessarily hurt by people who mean no harm to me. The positive side is that I am sensitive to others and their feelings and try to always take them into consideration when speaking to or about someone. Like most things, to get the good, you have to deal with the bad. My prayer is that God can help me adjust my perspective so I can see the bad side of my sensitivity and adjust it to His will. I just keep repeating in my head, “Jesus be near during this season of fire!” And you  know what, He is near and He is protecting me from being burned!

Self-Discipline

At the end of each year, I reflect on the previous year and the lessons I learned. Then, I look forward to the new year and pray about what God would have me focus on for a fresh start. He graciously provides a word for me to hold close all year to help me focus on areas of growth and blessings. Some years I am exhilarated by the word I hear from Him, but every once in a while, the word leaves me breathless and downright fearful of what I may have to learn over the next 365 days. This year is one of those years for me!

The process I use for finding this word usually involves lots of writing, praying, searching God’s Word, and loudly singing praise songs that lift my spirits and make me feel closer Him. This year, however, was very different. God gave me my word before I had a chance to start the process; so of course, I dismissed it completely. Then, I struggled to get the process going again because that word simply would not shut up! Admittedly, I became more than a bit indignant with God about the whole situation. Telling Him He was doing this wrong and taking things out of order and He needed to get Himself together. As I am sure you can imagine, this did not work well for me.

After a few battles, I gave in and decided it would be wise to hear God out and seek His ways instead of mine. Genius, right? I swear I am no better than a 2-year-old having a tantrum sometimes. I wanted God to do it my way and just make me feel good about my word to inspire me to happiness and prosperity. There are times I really feel like I am maturing as a Christian; this was not one of them.

So, I gave in to God’s word; “self-discipline,” and started writing out my focus for the year. I immediately begin to think of the normal human self-disciplines like; eating healthier, exercising, getting organized, spending time with God every day, reading more, watching less tv, etc. My focus for 2019 read more like a list of self-improvement goals. God was quick to let me know that was not what He meant—but I was slow to listen (as usual).

During time with God each morning for the following week, I kept finding a common message which had more to do with my mind than my actions. It became painfully clear to me that God wasn’t asking me to focus on my physical disciplines, but instead to work on my mental and spiritual disciplines. I was both relieved and terrified at the same time. I took a break for a moment, got a couple of cookies (since I no longer had to work on my eating habits) and refocused my mind. I began praying that God would show me His ways and His plan. I was blown away with what was revealed.

So, I took my focus page for 2019 that was saved and made it a goals page instead; to best reflect this new meaning. Next, came a new focus page for 2019, again, directed by God. I normally don’t share my focus page with people as it is personal and between me and God, but I feel it is important to share here.

2019 Focus

·     Marinate in God’s Word daily

o   Spend time with God first.

o   Read the Bible with the same enthusiasm I read social media.

·     Manage my thought life

o   I control my mind, it doesn’t control me.

o   Feed my mind with God’s Word.

·     Share God’s Word

o   Reach out weekly to friends with life-giving Words 

o   Share the gospel and it’s love with all.

·     Become who God has called me to be

o   Seek my calling

o   Give my whole self to my calling

·     Be a better counsel for others

o   Turn to God’s Word for help, not my own words.

o  Guide people to God in their search for answers.

“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.”  Proverbs 23:7 (AMP)

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”  Philippians 4:8

Now, this is the kind of focus God wants me to have.  Not that my health and wellness is not important, because it is, but it shouldn’t be the main focus in my life. I find that if my focus is on God and His will, the rest of my life seems to fall into place a lot better. Fighting against God’s will and His plan never gets me where I need to go. I sure wish I could keep that lesson at the forefront of my mind more often.

God Calls The Messy

Sometimes, no matter how sure I am about something, doubt creeps in and tries to steal my certainty. There are times it is obvious what is going on, but other times, I am taken by surprise by the crippling doubt. Self-doubt sneaks in like a thief in the night and tries to steal my purpose and calling right out from under me. If I am not careful and on guard, I will fall prey without even realizing what is going on.

The summer between my eighth and ninth grade years I felt a calling on my life while I was at church camp. I knew I was going to be a pastor’s wife. Fast forward eight years and I married a man in the Coast Guard and just figured I was wrong about that calling. Fast-fast forward again, another 17 years and the calling on my life was finally revealed as my husband was called into the ministry. How many of you know that God is never late; no matter how long it takes Him, He is always right on time?

“The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 

2 Peter 3:9 

He always proves Himself to be faithful to His call on my life, too.

Today, 31 years after that God-prompting on my life, I am a pastor’s wife and we are CHURCH PLANTERS of Texas Grand Chapel. God’s plan never ceases to blow me away and make my dreams for myself seem so very small. He always takes me deeper and farther than I ever thought I was capable of going. Sometimes I wonder why He thinks I am up for the tasks He gives me, but then I remember that He is able, therefore I am able with Him in my heart.

Even though I thought after I married my husband that I would never be a pastor’s wife, I always found myself looking at pastor’s wives and thinking, “If I was a pastor’s wife I would want to be like that”, or “If I was a pastor’s wife, I would do that differently.” It’s like I was picking and choosing from the traits I saw in others to create what I thought would be the best pastor’s wife. Little did I know, that was exactly what I was doing!

Many of the pastor’s wives I have had the privilege of observing are very well put together, soft spoken, gentle, and quietly supporting their husbands. Most of them rarely go up in front of the church or reluctantly do at the request of their husband. They serve the church and their husbands behind the scenes not out front for all to see. They are private and reserved, and sweet and kind. This is where my self-doubt sneaks in and tries to steal my calling and my confidence. 

Let me share a little about me. I AM LOUD! I have a booming voice that I struggle to control the volume on. I love to talk. Give me a microphone and an audience and lookout, because I have so many words that must be shared. There is nothing quiet, gentle, or reserved about me. I am happiest in some comfy clothes with a ball cap and no make-up. I love to serve behind the scenes but I jump at the chance to be right up front. I am a Too Much Information (TMI) kind of girl and believe that no subject is off the table for discussion. Clearly, I don’t fit the mold I have observed over the years.

Did God make a mistake? Am I living a life I am not meant for? Am I failing at my calling? What is wrong with me? These are just a few of the questions I catch myself asking. As I type this, while I am in my rational mind, I know the answers to these questions. God made me who I am and He never makes mistakes. However, catch me on an emotional doubting day, or on a day when menopausal emotions are winning, and all rational thinking goes out the window and I get lost in defeat and self-doubt—it is a constant battle.

Here is the reality, I base my self-doubts on my comparisons to other people, not my comparison to God’s Word. He never once says in His Word that pastor’s wives have to have a certain temperament or personality, I am putting those stipulations on me all by myself. I am called to be exactly who God made me to be and He will use me just as I am.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Psalm 139:14

Have you ever noticed in the Bible that God seems to use the messiest people who are full of doubt to do His mighty works? Moses had a stutter, and questioned God even as He appeared to Him in a miraculous burning bush. Let’s not even get into all the doubters that God parted the Red Sea for. David was a man after God’s own heart, yet he committed adultery and murder. Gideon was hiding in fear when God called him a warrior. Peter denied Jesus, Timothy doubted, Sara laughed at God’s promise, and the list goes on-and-on. Maybe, just maybe, my messiness is exactly what qualifies me to be a pastor’s wife. Perhaps, God chooses the least likely so it is obvious these works are of God and not of man. I think so! The best part is, my messiness is actually what qualifies me to be used by God. Now that is one qualification I can do well!

 

This is me most days; ball cap on and holding some kind of animal!

TMI Pitfalls

As I have stated many times before, I am a TMI-girl. I seem to share too much information about myself from time-to-time. Looking at my family, I am not quite sure where this particular trait came from, but it is definitely evident in me for sure. I probably need to wear a shirt that reads, “THE TMI IS STRONG IN THIS ONE!” Just as a warning to those I come in contact with. Though this is a trait I am generally fond of, it comes with some pitfalls and pains at times.

Being a TMI-girl means I am not a great keeper of my secrets. I try to have secrets, but eventually they all come spilling out. When I was a little girl my Dad and I went on a camping trip with our Indian Princess group. It was an awesome weekend filled with horseback riding, camp fires, and lots of laughs. One night around the campfire my Dad had a cigar with some of the other dads. He instructed me on the way home not to tell my mother, and I agreed not to tell. As soon as I got home I ran inside and immediately and uncontrollably told my mother every detail before my Dad even made it in the house. Needless to say, I was not on good terms with Dad for the rest of the day. 

Now that I am older, I have become better at keeping other people’s secrets, but I still can’t keep my own. Letting people into your secrets can be a dangerous thing sometimes. I have learned this the hard way for sure. When I am open and honest with my shortcomings, my failures, and my bad habits, it opens me up for judgment and criticism. Admitting these things can make me seem weak to some, but I believe it is actually a strength. I may share too much, but no one could accuse me of being fake or secretive. I am who I am and that is just how God made me.

As much as I need to share all of my stuff, I am really good at not sharing other people’s information; my family gets excluded from this though. I do not like gossip and I always try my best to steer clear of being a part of it. I would never want to share something about anyone that would cause them pain or embarrassment. A side note here; I love to share embarrassing stories about my children regularly! I tell them all the time that I waited a long time and had to work really hard to have children to embarrass, so I do not want to waste any opportunities.

When my husband was called into the ministry, I quickly realized my TMI needed to be reined in a bit. I struggled to find a way to still be me and not share everything. I do not want to share anything that could be misunderstood and hurt my husband’s ministry in any way. I had to find a way to be open-and-honest without sharing every single detail of me with anyone-and-everyone within a 50-mile radius. I had to learn how to share in a way that is pleasing to God. I also had to learn how to share about me and not my husband—which is easier said than done. So much about me is intertwined with him that it can be hard to share something about me without divulging too much about him. I am still a work in progress. I have been meditating on a couple of verses to help me…

“Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.” 

Proverbs 21:23

“Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”

 Psalm 141:3

Another pitfall is how I relate to others. Since I share everything, I struggle to connect with people who share very little. I struggle to understand them and find any common ground. In recent years, I find that God has put a lot of these people in my path; so I guess He is trying to teach me to be better in this area. A few years back, I met a lovely woman named Pam. I was immediately drawn to her, but for some reason felt like I could not connect with her. We traveled down a bumpy road to connection, but we made it to the other side. One weekend, we were talking about how she had been trying to hide some of the things about herself she felt were displeasing and pretended like she had it all together. That is when it hit me; this was the reason we were not connecting. I told her I loved messy people. I love to get in the ditches and pits with people and walk with them out of it. This is real life, and that is what connects me to people. Some people like to people watch; I like to link arms with them and walk side-by-side through the ups and downs of life.

There have been times I wish I was not such an over-sharer; times I wished I could have just turned it off. Now, I know it is a gift, and one I need to be thankful for. Some people truly struggle to tell people their story, and let them into the inner most parts of themselves. I believe that can be a very lonely place to be. True community happens when we get our hands dirty together and do the hard work of this life. It takes a brave person to be honest about who they are, and then share their honesty with others. I think being true to who we are is freedom. Freedom from shame, guilt, degradation, and even pain. Oddly enough, I have discovered that many times my honesty and TMI actually makes others feel better about themselves. They either feel like they are not alone in their struggles or like they are not doing so bad compared to me. Either way, my struggles can help others and that is worth any backlash I may receive for sharing.

All in all, I am thankful for my TMI ways. Like any gift, it is how I use it that matters. So, I pray the Lord uses my failures, my shortcomings, my missteps, and all my other dirty laundry to help others on their journey. I believe that nothing should be wasted. I always tell my kids when they make a mistake not to waste it by not learning from it. How much better would it be for people to learn from my mistakes so they do not have to make them. My Father-in-Law told my husband, “if you can learn from your mistakes, you are doing good. If you can learn from others’ mistakes, you are doing great.”

This is me trying to rein in my TMI in front of a wonderful group of ladies.

Control

By nature, I am not a control freak. I am perfectly fine with others making decisions or handling situations; and I generally trust them to do so. I usually freely give God control without trying to take it back from Him. I say “usually,” because clearly that is not always the case. Where my control issues tend to rear its ugly head is in regards to how people perceive or feel about me. I just want people to see me for who I am and still like me…is that really too much to ask? The answer to that question appears to be an emphatic “YES”. I am going to give two examples from my own experience to illustrate this point.

Example number one happened many years ago when my oldest was just a toddler. Someone that I considered to be a very close friend felt like things had changed in our friendship and just before she moved, seemed a bit cold toward me. I chose to ignore it and pretend things were fine. After she moved it became clear that she was upset with me and I felt that I should discover why. I simply could not leave it alone and continued to bug her until she told me. Needless to say, it was very hard to hear the things she had had to say. I took all of her words and used them to beat myself up obsessively while I did everything in my power to make amends and show her I was a good friend. I became obsessed with trying to change her mind about me. I used her words for many years to beat myself up and belittle myself. We did end up making amends and continued being friends. Years later I found out she had been going through her own personal struggles and everything she had said was not necessarily accurate.

Example number two happened more recently. I shared something personal with someone I considered to be a close friend, and soon thereafter, found out this person shared my personal information with others. I confronted her to discuss it and forgave her very quickly—quickly forgiving someone is a trait of mine. Some time passed and she never contacted me or reached out in any way. It was not unusual for us to go long periods of time without talking; but I hoped she would reach out. After some time, I sent her a message to which she did not respond, so I sent another, and another, and another, and…you get the picture. Again, I struggled to simply let it go without feeling like we had made amends. Really though, I could not let it go because I needed her to like me. Come to find out she did not view me as the same kind of friend I viewed her as. Once again, I used her words and feelings to beat myself up and tell myself what a bad friend I must be.

In both of the examples above I was trying to control my friends and make them like me, whether they wanted to or not. I felt like I needed them to see me, my heart, and understand me. I am not one to let go of people easily, but I try too hard to control the situation. I wish I could say this wasn’t a habit of mine, but it is. Even if someone has clearly hurt me, I am still the one trying to hunt them down to make amends and be friends again. For some reason, I don’t let go and let God handle it. I can’t stand the thought of someone out there harboring bad feelings about me or not liking me, even if I don’t like them. How crazy is that?

This morning during my time with Jesus I was slapped in the face with some truth. In Christine Caine’s book “Unshakeable,” she wrote, “A healthy approach to relationships is to love others enough to let them make their own choices instead of succumbing to your need to control and insisting on your choices.” She went on saying, “As you learn to trust God to keep you through everything, you learn to relax and let go of control. Doing so will bring you the peace you were trying to grasp in your own strength.” Peace is what I was looking for. Peace in regards to who I am and how I am perceived. It’s like I was trying to like myself through other people’s feelings about me. If people like me then I can’t be that bad, right? But as soon as I found someone who didn’t like me or understand me, I let it define me. So, in an effort to change my opinion about myself I tried to control other people’s opinions of me. Clearly, I need a straight jacket and a padded cell, right? Or perhaps, I just need to rely on and trust in the love, mercy, and grace of my Savior and let Him define who I am!

Here is the reality, God loves me just as I am, but He has no plans to leave me like I am. He is always growing me and pruning me and tending to my every need. I can rely on Him always. He loves me unconditionally no matter what I do or how badly I mess up. I cannot expect others to be God or see me like God sees me. Maybe in my pruning process I am supposed to lose friends, move on, and keep getting better. Instead of trying to convince people I am likeable, I need to work on being all God has called me to be. God will bring people into and out of my life and I need to trust His reasons and His seasons. Plus, I have so many really great friends that like me just for who I am and I am thankful every day for each one of them that God has brought into my life and heart! All I can really control is me following Jesus, and let’s be honest, that is a difficult task all by itself!

Take a minute to listen to this song...SO AMAZING!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFfztu8-bBQ