God Calls The Messy

Sometimes, no matter how sure I am about something, doubt creeps in and tries to steal my certainty. There are times it is obvious what is going on, but other times, I am taken by surprise by the crippling doubt. Self-doubt sneaks in like a thief in the night and tries to steal my purpose and calling right out from under me. If I am not careful and on guard, I will fall prey without even realizing what is going on.

The summer between my eighth and ninth grade years I felt a calling on my life while I was at church camp. I knew I was going to be a pastor’s wife. Fast forward eight years and I married a man in the Coast Guard and just figured I was wrong about that calling. Fast-fast forward again, another 17 years and the calling on my life was finally revealed as my husband was called into the ministry. How many of you know that God is never late; no matter how long it takes Him, He is always right on time?

“The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 

2 Peter 3:9 

He always proves Himself to be faithful to His call on my life, too.

Today, 31 years after that God-prompting on my life, I am a pastor’s wife and we are CHURCH PLANTERS of Texas Grand Chapel. God’s plan never ceases to blow me away and make my dreams for myself seem so very small. He always takes me deeper and farther than I ever thought I was capable of going. Sometimes I wonder why He thinks I am up for the tasks He gives me, but then I remember that He is able, therefore I am able with Him in my heart.

Even though I thought after I married my husband that I would never be a pastor’s wife, I always found myself looking at pastor’s wives and thinking, “If I was a pastor’s wife I would want to be like that”, or “If I was a pastor’s wife, I would do that differently.” It’s like I was picking and choosing from the traits I saw in others to create what I thought would be the best pastor’s wife. Little did I know, that was exactly what I was doing!

Many of the pastor’s wives I have had the privilege of observing are very well put together, soft spoken, gentle, and quietly supporting their husbands. Most of them rarely go up in front of the church or reluctantly do at the request of their husband. They serve the church and their husbands behind the scenes not out front for all to see. They are private and reserved, and sweet and kind. This is where my self-doubt sneaks in and tries to steal my calling and my confidence. 

Let me share a little about me. I AM LOUD! I have a booming voice that I struggle to control the volume on. I love to talk. Give me a microphone and an audience and lookout, because I have so many words that must be shared. There is nothing quiet, gentle, or reserved about me. I am happiest in some comfy clothes with a ball cap and no make-up. I love to serve behind the scenes but I jump at the chance to be right up front. I am a Too Much Information (TMI) kind of girl and believe that no subject is off the table for discussion. Clearly, I don’t fit the mold I have observed over the years.

Did God make a mistake? Am I living a life I am not meant for? Am I failing at my calling? What is wrong with me? These are just a few of the questions I catch myself asking. As I type this, while I am in my rational mind, I know the answers to these questions. God made me who I am and He never makes mistakes. However, catch me on an emotional doubting day, or on a day when menopausal emotions are winning, and all rational thinking goes out the window and I get lost in defeat and self-doubt—it is a constant battle.

Here is the reality, I base my self-doubts on my comparisons to other people, not my comparison to God’s Word. He never once says in His Word that pastor’s wives have to have a certain temperament or personality, I am putting those stipulations on me all by myself. I am called to be exactly who God made me to be and He will use me just as I am.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Psalm 139:14

Have you ever noticed in the Bible that God seems to use the messiest people who are full of doubt to do His mighty works? Moses had a stutter, and questioned God even as He appeared to Him in a miraculous burning bush. Let’s not even get into all the doubters that God parted the Red Sea for. David was a man after God’s own heart, yet he committed adultery and murder. Gideon was hiding in fear when God called him a warrior. Peter denied Jesus, Timothy doubted, Sara laughed at God’s promise, and the list goes on-and-on. Maybe, just maybe, my messiness is exactly what qualifies me to be a pastor’s wife. Perhaps, God chooses the least likely so it is obvious these works are of God and not of man. I think so! The best part is, my messiness is actually what qualifies me to be used by God. Now that is one qualification I can do well!

 

This is me most days; ball cap on and holding some kind of animal!