I Am Sensitive

I am sensitive! There, I said it! I don’t do well with word jabs, or picking and poking at me and my attributes. I have tried for years to hide my sensitivity and pretend I can take it, but the fact is, words do hurt me. That old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just doesn’t apply to me. I believe words matter and can be sharper than any sword. I believe there are truths about me that are funny, quirky, and downright silly, and I don’t mind pointing those things out about myself and laughing about them with others. However, there are other things about me that are embarrassing, shameful, and that I downright don’t like. Those are the things that are not safe to pick on, make fun of or point out in a crowd.

My husband loves to go back and forth with someone picking and jabbing at each other. He has had to learn to live with the fact that I am not one of those people for him. Truth be told, it is probably one of his least favorite things about our relationship. For me, that kind of behavior feels more like insulting and making fun of someone about real things, but laughing it off like it is a joke-but it really isn’t. Sometimes I wish I was different in this area. I wish I could be less sensitive, more light-hearted and carefree about words, and not take them all to heart.

I take words very seriously. The truth is, I take what people say to me and about me to heart. My husband says that feedback is a gift and I can choose to take it or not. I have definitely not mastered that yet. When someone tells me something about myself, or I hear of something someone said about me, I internalize it, analyze it, and apply it to my life to see if there is any truth to it. Here is the big flaw in that; I am human and a sinner, and always find a place where any negative comments could be true.

The Bible talks a great deal about the tongue and it’s power. We are warned to control our tongue and to use it to bless people and not curse them.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.  ~Ephesians 4:29

In my mind and my heart, harsh words, whether said with a laugh and a joke or not, are hurtful. Sometimes I see other couples pick at each other and think I should be more like them, but I am not. The reality is, when I hear other couples pick on each other in a manor I perceive to be too harsh, I hurt for them and worry one of them may be internally hurt by the words, even if they don’t admit it. I guess I just can’t wrap my head around the ability to not take words to heart.

I feel like I am going through a season of fire with this particular trait of mine. I believe God is trying to grow me in this area, and I am struggling. Since my husband has become a pastor I find myself in situations where my sensitivities are hindering me. My analytical and often self-critical mind tries to go into over-drive and I am constantly trying to rein it in. I believe God has me here for a period of growth. If I am being honest, I am really pretty mad about it.

With my word for 2019 being “self-discipline”, I am continually figuring out new ways God is trying to stretch me in that area, and how far and wide self-discipline reaches in my life. I find myself wanting to throw a full on 2-year-old tantrum at God’s feet demanding He stop making me do this hard work. Then, I stand up, brush myself off, dry my tears and move forward, growing and learning through these painful lessons. 

My prayer in this season is that I learn how God would have me handle other’s words. I am not praying that He take away or lessen my sensitivity. Like every trait, there is a good side and a bad side to it. The bad side to sensitivity is my ability to be too easily and unnecessarily hurt by people who mean no harm to me. The positive side is that I am sensitive to others and their feelings and try to always take them into consideration when speaking to or about someone. Like most things, to get the good, you have to deal with the bad. My prayer is that God can help me adjust my perspective so I can see the bad side of my sensitivity and adjust it to His will. I just keep repeating in my head, “Jesus be near during this season of fire!” And you  know what, He is near and He is protecting me from being burned!

Self-Discipline

At the end of each year, I reflect on the previous year and the lessons I learned. Then, I look forward to the new year and pray about what God would have me focus on for a fresh start. He graciously provides a word for me to hold close all year to help me focus on areas of growth and blessings. Some years I am exhilarated by the word I hear from Him, but every once in a while, the word leaves me breathless and downright fearful of what I may have to learn over the next 365 days. This year is one of those years for me!

The process I use for finding this word usually involves lots of writing, praying, searching God’s Word, and loudly singing praise songs that lift my spirits and make me feel closer Him. This year, however, was very different. God gave me my word before I had a chance to start the process; so of course, I dismissed it completely. Then, I struggled to get the process going again because that word simply would not shut up! Admittedly, I became more than a bit indignant with God about the whole situation. Telling Him He was doing this wrong and taking things out of order and He needed to get Himself together. As I am sure you can imagine, this did not work well for me.

After a few battles, I gave in and decided it would be wise to hear God out and seek His ways instead of mine. Genius, right? I swear I am no better than a 2-year-old having a tantrum sometimes. I wanted God to do it my way and just make me feel good about my word to inspire me to happiness and prosperity. There are times I really feel like I am maturing as a Christian; this was not one of them.

So, I gave in to God’s word; “self-discipline,” and started writing out my focus for the year. I immediately begin to think of the normal human self-disciplines like; eating healthier, exercising, getting organized, spending time with God every day, reading more, watching less tv, etc. My focus for 2019 read more like a list of self-improvement goals. God was quick to let me know that was not what He meant—but I was slow to listen (as usual).

During time with God each morning for the following week, I kept finding a common message which had more to do with my mind than my actions. It became painfully clear to me that God wasn’t asking me to focus on my physical disciplines, but instead to work on my mental and spiritual disciplines. I was both relieved and terrified at the same time. I took a break for a moment, got a couple of cookies (since I no longer had to work on my eating habits) and refocused my mind. I began praying that God would show me His ways and His plan. I was blown away with what was revealed.

So, I took my focus page for 2019 that was saved and made it a goals page instead; to best reflect this new meaning. Next, came a new focus page for 2019, again, directed by God. I normally don’t share my focus page with people as it is personal and between me and God, but I feel it is important to share here.

2019 Focus

·     Marinate in God’s Word daily

o   Spend time with God first.

o   Read the Bible with the same enthusiasm I read social media.

·     Manage my thought life

o   I control my mind, it doesn’t control me.

o   Feed my mind with God’s Word.

·     Share God’s Word

o   Reach out weekly to friends with life-giving Words 

o   Share the gospel and it’s love with all.

·     Become who God has called me to be

o   Seek my calling

o   Give my whole self to my calling

·     Be a better counsel for others

o   Turn to God’s Word for help, not my own words.

o  Guide people to God in their search for answers.

“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.”  Proverbs 23:7 (AMP)

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”  Philippians 4:8

Now, this is the kind of focus God wants me to have.  Not that my health and wellness is not important, because it is, but it shouldn’t be the main focus in my life. I find that if my focus is on God and His will, the rest of my life seems to fall into place a lot better. Fighting against God’s will and His plan never gets me where I need to go. I sure wish I could keep that lesson at the forefront of my mind more often.