Living on The Edge And Almost Empty

The other day I went to the grocery store, actually I went to 4 grocery stores. I ordered online from 3 of them so I just had to pick up, but one of them I actually had to go inside and shop myself. I left the house later than I wanted, and didn’t even have time for my usual coffee stop. I had been trying to get to the grocery for about a week but I just couldn’t squeeze it in. I noticed my gas was low in the truck, but figured I could make it; I like to live on the edge of danger. As I finished up the last store and was heading home I once again heard the beeping sound of my truck warning me about the gas level. I looked at my dashboard only to discover I had 5 miles till I was empty, oops! As I pulled into the gas station (after praying and pleading the whole way there) I had a whopping 2 miles left to go. My first thought in my head was, "Wow, I must really like living on the edge almost empty!" This is how I feel I am living day to day lately. Pushing the limits of what is possible for me to do and almost out of fuel!

We are in a busy season of life. We moved across town in April 2018, planted Texas Grand Chapel in July of 2018, recently helped my parents move out of their house and into ours, currently helping them get their new home built, and have been busy trying to get to know our community and finding ways to serve it well. On top of that we have 3 kids, 20, 15, and 7 and have 18 animals (1 rabbit, 1 goat, 1 potbelly pig, 2 dogs, and 13 chickens) with  a miniature donkey coming soon and my parents 3 dogs as well.  All the while, I am battling the emotional roller coaster of menopause plus the insurmountable weight gain that I am constantly fighting and unhappy with. Needless to say, our life is full. All of the things I mentioned above are great things (minus the weight gain and menopause) and we know we are right where God wants us to be, however, that does not make any of it easy. Balancing the busy seasons can feel almost impossible. Many times, I find myself just trying to survive it. Most days I simply need an attitude adjustment!!

I wish I was one of those people who was really in tune to myself, but I am not. I usually take my husband to the doctor with me because I am always minimizing my symptoms and how long I have had them. When I try a new medication or supplement I have to take notes on how I am feeling just to force myself to pay attention. Many times I don't realize I am overwhelmed and running on empty until I have the strong desire to runaway from all of my adulting things and can't figure out why I am on the verge of tears most days. A little self-evaluation would definitely do me some good.

I am not someone who thrives on being busy. I have lots of my friends that love to be busy and constantly on the go, but that just isn’t me. I like a slower steadier pace that allows for quality time spent with my people.  The Bible tells a story in Luke chapter 10 about Mary and Martha, I reference this story often. When Jesus comes to their house Martha runs around the whole time doing all the things while Mary sits at Jesus feet soaking in all He has to say. I am happier when I am being Mary, but lately I have definitely been more Martha. I guess the reality is I am a cross between the two. I prefer to run around like Martha getting everything ready, then once the people come I like to stop and be Mary and just soak up the people.

During this busy season I have to continually remind myself to refuel and not let my tank run dry. Most of the time though, I come skidding into the refueling station almost on empty and out of breath. Why do I wait so long? God is my refueling station and He is with me every second of everyday, just waiting to fill up my tank and pour out His love on me. When I need Him the most I tend to spend less time with Him. I get so caught up in the busy I barely give Him a quick hello and an amen some days. I notice when I wake up to start my day I am getting close to empty, but I think to myself, “I can make it”, whisper a quick good morning to God and ask Him to help me, then off I go almost on empty facing a full day. Luckily, I don’t have to pray I make it to the refueling station, I can simply stop wherever I am and pray, spend time with God, and fill up my tank. Instead of praying to make it to the station, prayer is the station.

This busy season doesn’t seem to have an end in sight, but I know God has called us to be in this time and in this place for his work and His glory. I feel so privileged and blessed in this busy season, even when I forget to remember my blessings. I have to remember to keep my eyes on Jesus and my feet on the path He has prepared for me. Romans 8:18 reads, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”No matter how hard things may seem at times, the rewards and blessing that are coming my way far outweigh any struggle I might go through here on earth.

On a side note; you know you are running on empty when you are envious of your sick husband who is quarantined to the bedroom with all his sickie germs! *cough cough* Maybe I should go lay down just in case I am about to catch it!

Misunderstood

Have you ever tried to put yourself in someone else’s shoes to understand how they feel?  Have you ever wished someone would try to see something from your perspective? Sometimes we can empathize with people and their circumstances because we have experienced something similar, other times it just makes sense to us. How do we handle the times when we completely can’t understand someone else’s perspective? How does the lack of understanding effect the way we feel about that person? Are we to quick to judge them without first trying to understand? How important is it really for us to understand someone else’s situation?

I tend to be the person who longs for other’s “understanding”. When I know I have been misunderstood I struggle (and usually fail) with the urge to try to make them understand and see things from my perspective. I am not really sure why understanding is so important to me, but it is probably because I need to be validated in some way. My love language is words of affirmation, so I suspect I am seeking affirmation. This can cause a real problem when my explanations are not met with understanding. Somehow, I end up feeling bad about me when I am misunderstood. I guess I feel judged or even like what I am feeling is wrong if others can’t understand. Perhaps I am, seeking understanding and compassion from the wrong source.

“The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made.” ~Psalm 145:8-9

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” ~ Hebrews 4:15

God always understands. God is always compassionate. God is always merciful. I know all of this to be true, but why do I still long for other’s compassion, understanding, and acceptance? It’s like I am a glutton for punishment or something. I know only God can fully give me what I am longing for, and yet over and over again I am seeking it from humans. Humans will let me down all the time, but my God NEVER will. I shouldn’t even be shocked when a human lets me down, I should almost expect it. I am human, and I let people down ALL THE TIME. Why do I put so much weight on what others think about me or how they feel about me? Well, because I am human!

One of my gifts from God is mercy. Showing mercy typically comes easy to me. In my mind, I show mercy because everyone needs it, especially me, and I love people enough to hand it out freely. Here is where my thinking deceives me; if someone doesn’t show me mercy then I think I must not be loved enough to be shown mercy. I believe people are worth mercy, so if I am not shown mercy then I must not be worth it. Well, now isn’t that a twisted thought process! I feel like it is a constant mental battle that I rarely win.

Ok, so here it is; anyone following my blog knows I struggle with my menopausal emotions. I know it is impossible to explain to someone why I feel the way I feel, or why I act the way I act when I don’t even know myself. You know the saying, “Fear is a liar”; well, I am here to tell you, so is menopause! I find myself trying to explain to people (especially my husband) that I am trying to get a handle on my emotions and I am struggling. I get caught up in explaining why I feel the way I feel in search of mercy, grace and compassion. Here is a piece of truth; I show compassion to everyone but myself. I seek from others what I can’t even give myself. I hate admitting that. I hate the way it sounds. Truth is not always pretty or easy. I know by admitting these things I am exposing myself to people who will judge me and not understand me at all, but I believe I am not alone in my struggles so I share so others will not feel alone in their struggles. If you struggle with any of this I want you to know that I get you, and I have all the grace and mercy for what you are dealing with.

I have a few friends and family members who struggle with autoimmune disease and/or fibromyalgia. These are unseen illnesses that affect their daily life and abilities. On the outside they may seem perfectly healthy, but their bodies are in a constant battle on the inside that causes fatigue, pain, weakness, and an inability to suck it up and just keep going. Many times, they tell me they feel misjudged and misunderstood. It is hard to understand how bad they feel when they seem to look fine on the outside. The unseen struggles are not unseen because they are not real. I can understand and empathize with them because my son has autism/ADHD/anxiety. He can at times seem perfectly normal on the outside, then his behavior tells another story. People tend to assume he is just a bad kid instead of realizing there are things going on inside of him that we simply cannot see or understand. What a wonderful world this would be with more compassion and mercy.

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ~Colossians 3:12

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. ~Galatians 6:2

Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you. ~Ephesians 4:32

Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. ~1 Peter 3:8

Though we are to seek God and look to Him for understanding, grace, mercy, and compassion, He does call us to give these things to others as well. Sometimes, as christians, we may be the only example of Jesus someone sees in their lifetime. The grace and mercy we give may be the first someone has ever received. We do not have to understand or even empathize with people. We are called to love ALL the people and what better way to show love than to hand out grace and mercy!

Gifts or Faults

Has anyone ever called you a “people pleaser”? How about “too forgiving” or a “doormat”? What about “bossy”? Did you take these titles as a fault in you or as one of your gifts? Most of the time when these things and others like them are said to people, they are meant as faults, something we need to work on in ourselves. What if we flipped the script and looked for the positive in these things? What if these things we consider as faults, were actually given to us as gifts from God to be used for His glory and His good? How could flipping our thinking change the way we use these gifts? Just because we can use them for harm, does not make them bad. There are lots of things that can be used for good or harm, like knives, baseball bats, words, etc., and our gifts can definitely fall in this same category.

I am definitely a people pleaser. I don’t like to make people mad (though I am really good at it). I can’t handle when someone doesn’t like me. I will turn myself inside out and upside down to prevent disappointing people. This has always been something I have felt I need to work on and fix in myself, and people have told me as such. Here is how I see it now, God has given me a gift that the world has twisted, and I have twisted, into being labeled as a people pleaser. Actually, this gift makes me tender to other’s emotions. I like to do things to bring happiness to others and cause them to smile. I am happiest when I am serving others. I forgive people quickly because I would never want to make someone feel bad and I believe everyone needs a little more forgiveness in their life. I love to pour out grace and mercy on people, especially when they don’t deserve it yet need it the most. God has great plans for this gift that I have been considering a fault. How has my twisted thinking caused me to miss opportunities to use my gift for God?

When I misuse this gift or let this gift control me, I am missing the God opportunities to use it for His glory. When I allow this gift to take control away from God is when things can go very wrong. The times when I am frustrated, empty, and not caring for myself because I am focusing too much on pleasing everyone else or when I am spending my time focusing on all the ways I am failing people and letting them down because I could not be everything to them; these are the times that I have put the control in the wrong hands. I have to remember my role, and it is not to be everything to everybody; I am not God, that is His job. My job is to use my gifts according to His plans and His ways.

What if I changed my views on other people’s gifts? I will use my family as examples (which I am sure they will love…LOL). My husband could be called bossy or a perfectionist. God would call it being a leader and someone who strives for excellence in all he tries to do. My husband has the ability to be clear-headed in a crises or stressful situation and decisive in a plan of action. He is always trying to be the best he can be in everything he does and is constantly encouraging other’s to be the best they can be as well. When he is using his gifts for the Lord, he is unstoppable!

My daughter, Elizabeth, is seven years old and full of life, sass and spunk. She can find a “yes” to replace any “no” and her determination is unmatched. Some would call her stubborn, hard-headed, and definitely sassy. God has gifted her with a strong will that will help her break down barriers in life. I have said many times that these things will serve her well in her life, just not while she is in my home. She will be unstoppable in her pursuit of God and His path for her. She is not shy and with her bigger than life personality she is fascinating to listen to and can captivate almost any audience. I can’t wait to see what God has instore for her life.

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” ~ Ephesians 2:10

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” ~ James 1:7

I am so thankful for all the gifts God has given me. Too many times I take for granted all He has given me and forget to use them for His good. I prayI will only get better with my gifts and remain on the path He has prepared for me. I will also be rethinking how I look at other people. Am I seeing faults or gifts? It is a choice, and I will choose to see the gifts.

Who Wants to Laugh

Here is a little fun fact about me: I love to make people laugh! Sometimes I use humor as an ice breaker, to end a disagreement, or to make someone feel better when they are down. I believe I get this trait from my father, who has a joke for every occasion. When I was young I would intentionally do something funny to make other’s laugh, then cry when they laughed because I thought they were laughing at me not with me. Of course, if they didn’t laugh I would also cry because I thought they didn’t think I was funny. I am so glad I grew out of that phase. So, this post has no purpose other than to make you laugh at me and with me!

In November, I somehow managed to talk my husband into letting me get a goat. This was a huge feat I assure you. My aunt had a friend who was getting rid of her pygmy goat, for free. The free part was probably what sealed the deal for the hubs. My oldest son and I spent a weekend clearing some of our land for the pen. Then my husband, along with my son and I, built a pen out of free pallets…again, the free part was super helpful. Once the pen was finished I planned to get the goat. Well, it just so happened we finished the pen right before my husband was to leave town for an overnight trip—designed for him to rest and rejuvenate. I decided not to let this deter me, so as soon as he left to go out of town, I left to go pick up my new goat. Now, I am known for being a bit impulsive and speeding away to an unknown destination with my hands in the air squealing with delight because of the possibilities that await me. My husband says I am the gas pedal and he is the brake. Well, without my brake pedal I just sped along not stopping to think things through.

I met my aunt at her house and followed her and her husband to get the goat. I was totally impressed with myself that I remembered the crate to put the goat in for travel. In my eyes I was totally prepared. We got the goat in the car after some coaxing from me and off I headed towards home. I realized a few miles down the road that I had no supplies to take care of a goat; no food, nothing to put food or water in, nothing. I might want to add here that I have never owned nor taken care of a goat before. Since I am the gas pedal I just headed right on over to my local feed store fully believing they would be able to tell me what to do and help me get all that I needed. 

I love my local feed store and the people that work there. It is where I got my chickens and where I go for all their needs. There is one girl in particular that I have become friends with and luckily, she was working that day. I walked in and we commenced with our normal greeting; she asked how my chickens were and if I was ready to get some more. So, I said, “Well, I kind of did a thing…I just got a goat!” She squealed with delight and asked if I had it with me. The next thing I know I am standing at the back of my truck with two of the employees oogling and googling over my adorable goat. I let them know that I had no idea what I was doing, so they grabbed my arms and lead me inside. They showed me everything I needed, gave me some tips, loaded my truck and sent me on my way. Once again I was feeling pretty confident that I totally had this.

I got home, got the goat out of the truck and put her in the pen. I headed back towards the truck to finish unloading all my goodies, but before I could get to the truck I noticed the goat was walking by my side. Confused, I looked back at the pen and realized a whole section was lying on the ground. I walked back to the pen with the goat following close by my side and realized my husband had neglected to screw in one of the panels. No worries, I was sure I could handle it, so I called my husband. He told me what to do to fix the panel, so off I went to get the tools from the garage with the goat still right by my side. I quickly got it fixed, put the goat back in, and attempted to go to the truck to finish unloading. Before I knew it, the goat turned up right by my side. Here is what I learned, goats can really jump and my pen was too short! Now I had no idea what I was going to do. So, again, I call the hubs, who is supposed to be relaxing, and I proceed have a small freak out. After talking to him I decided to put the crate in the goat pen and simply lock the goat in the crate for the night. Since I could not lock the goat in the pen and didn’t want to confine her to the crate all day, I just let her follow me around while I unloaded the truck and got the pen set up for her. Once evening came I locked her in the crate which I put in the shelter in her pen. All was well so I headed to the store. I checked on her when I got home and she seemed fine so I went inside for the night.

About an hour after coming inside, my phone started ringing and so did my doorbell. Apparently, my goat had managed to bust out of the crate and the pen and was wondering down the street, which my neighbors discovered after reading a post on the Nextdoor app.  I should probably add here that I live in a regular neighborhood. One that has deed restrictions against keeping animals like goats on your property. Well, we own a little over an acre behind out house that is not governed by the neighborhood, and that is why I can have the goat. Not everyone knows this little tidbit, so the goat walking down the street caused quite the uproar. I should also add, we had only lived in our house since April and hadn’t met all of our neighbors yet. This was probably not the best way to meet them. So, me and several of my neighbors (the ones I had met) hit the streets in the dark looking for my new little goat. We were in trucks, golf carts, and on foot. We had flashlights in hand calling, “Annabelle” as loud as we could all around the neighborhood. While driving I saw a constable at the park and stopped to ask him if he had seen a goat. He said he had never been asked that in all of his years of being on the force. Now we also had a constable looking for our goat as well. At one point he asked me how my husband had managed to escape the duties of looking for the goat. I explained that he was out of town, so he asked me if my husband knew I was spending the evening with a man in uniform. 

We searched for over an hour with no luck. I arrived back home defeated and devastated. Once more, I hesitantly called my husband, who was probably wondering why he even bothered to try to relax. I attempted to be calm, but instead I explained to him what happened through tears and snot. My neighbors and I continued trying to communicate with people through the app that had seen my sweet goat. The first person that had posted about the goat said she was out to dinner but would look for the goat when she got back home. Well, when she got home she found the goat, on her coffee table! The kids had lured it home and brought it inside. So, down the street I go to get my escape goat! Luckily my neighbor offered drive me in his truck since the crate was still in the goat pen. Once I got home I moved the crate to the garage, put the goat in it, and put the door of the crate against the wall and headed to bed.

The next evening while we were having dinner with some friends at our house, the doorbell rang. My husband answered the door to find a constable on our porch. The constable asked, “Are you the husband?”. My husband replied, “Yes, my name is Steve.” The two shook hands and the constable said, “I am the boyfriend!” Fortunately, I had told my husband the whole story or that might have seemed a bit odd. They both laughed and talked about the goat and the events of the evening before. I am now known as the goat lady and people in our neighborhood stop to see and snap the goat every time I take her out for walks. Yes, I walk my goat on a leash! Welcome to my crazy!

Mirror of Lies

There are a lot of people on my Facebook and Instagram news feeds that are really into health and fitness. Many of them post selfies of their progress on a weekly basis. I enjoy seeing the fruits of their hard work and I am always so proud of their efforts and results. I love to see people setting goals and reaching them. Many times, these posts encourage to me to get up and move and do something healthy for my body. Here is the part I have been struggling with: too many times I read comments about how they can’t wait to be proud of the person looking back at them in the mirror. They are longing for the day when they can be proud of their appearance so they can be proud of themselves, and in some cases, even like themselves. This is the part I want to address today. This is what God has been working on me to improve about myself.

Here is a little back story. For those of you who do not know me, I used to be a total fitness nut. I worked at a gym in high school and loved working out. I even skipped school a couple of times and went to the gym to workout (sorry mom)! I started teaching aerobics on my 20^thbirthday, but had to give it up when I was 35 because of my son’s special needs. I never struggled with weight really, and even though there were times I would say I thought I was fat, the truth is, I never really did. I think I just thought that was what girls were supposed to say. I never worried about what I ate. I never had to make time to exercise. I never struggled to find the motivation to stick with it; my motivation was my pay check! It wasn’t until I had to quit teaching and we moved to Massachusetts that I really had any issues with my weight. For the first time I had to motivate myself to go to the gym. No one was making me do it, and no one cared if I showed up. It was such a rude awakening.

Now, fast forward to now. I am 46. I had a total hysterectomy when I was 40. I have no gym membership. My body is totally rebelling against any efforts I make to lose weight, and it appears to be uncontrollably gaining just to spite me. The body I see in the mirror (when I bother to look) seems totally foreign to me. I barely recognize it some days. The mirror is not my friend and I use it to fill my head with lies about myself. I have struggled for the last 10 years with my weight. Sometimes I seemed to be winning the battle, then others it appears I have given up the fight completely. I have screamed, cried, been angry, indifferent, and in complete denial and sometimes all of those things at the very same time. Sadly, this has been something I have laid at God’s feet more times than I care to confess and turned right around and picked it back up again the next time I looked in the mirror. I have definitely spent more time agonizing about it than I should.

            Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” ~ Proverbs 31:30

Here is what God has been telling me, “Stacy, you are oh so very much more than what you choose to see on the outside!” This is hard for me to hear and truly believe at times. I have learned to judge myself based on my appearance and I put far too much importance on my size. I am not trying to say that God has given me permission to let myself go and be fat and unhealthy. What I do hear, is that my focus should be first and foremost on God and not my appearance. Also, let’s be honest, when I look in the mirror I am only focusing on my physical faults. I hardly even notice my good physical attributes. I am choosing to focus on the negative and by default choosing not to focus on what God has for me. I waste so much time beating myself up for what I deem to be faults in my appearance. My worth is not found in my appearance. Let me type that again; MY WORTH IS NOT FOUND IN MY APPEARANCE! My worth is found in God and God alone. My worth will never be found in a mirror. God does not look at my appearance to determine my worth.

            But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’” ~ 1 Samuel 16:7

Here is what God says about me:

I am a child of God (1 John 3:2, John 1:12-13)

I am wonderful (Psalm 139:14)

I am saved by grace (Ephesians 2:8-9)

I am sanctified (John 17:19)

I am a royal daughter (1Peter 2:9)

I am free (John 8:36)

I am God’s masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10)

I am created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27)

I am loved by God (Romans 5:8

I am chosen (Ephesians 1:4)

I am redeemed (1 Peter 1:18-19)

I should stand in the mirror and tell myself those things instead of my negative self-talk about my appearance. Whether I am fat or thin or anything in between, I am still precious to God and still enough. I know I need to take care of myself, but I need to do it for the purpose of being ready for all God has called me to do, not so I can look good in a swimsuit. I know I need to exercise my body, but more importantly, I need to exercise my spirit and my faith.

            For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.” ~ 1 Timothy 4:8

God has given me this body to use while I am here on earth. I do not take this gift lightly. I want to care for this gift appropriately, but I do not want my focus to be on the gift, but instead on the giver. I pray I can learn to see myself through the eyes of God. I pray all of you are able to see your beauty and worth through the eyes of God. I pray I can instill this in my children as well. This I know, if I don’t practice this, my children will have the same struggle. They learn more through what I do than what I say. Go right now, stand in front of the mirror and proclaim the verses I shared above. Speak love and grace over yourself, even if you don’t quite believe it. Over time I know we can learn to see the beauty God sees in us.

I Am Sensitive

I am sensitive! There, I said it! I don’t do well with word jabs, or picking and poking at me and my attributes. I have tried for years to hide my sensitivity and pretend I can take it, but the fact is, words do hurt me. That old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just doesn’t apply to me. I believe words matter and can be sharper than any sword. I believe there are truths about me that are funny, quirky, and downright silly, and I don’t mind pointing those things out about myself and laughing about them with others. However, there are other things about me that are embarrassing, shameful, and that I downright don’t like. Those are the things that are not safe to pick on, make fun of or point out in a crowd.

My husband loves to go back and forth with someone picking and jabbing at each other. He has had to learn to live with the fact that I am not one of those people for him. Truth be told, it is probably one of his least favorite things about our relationship. For me, that kind of behavior feels more like insulting and making fun of someone about real things, but laughing it off like it is a joke-but it really isn’t. Sometimes I wish I was different in this area. I wish I could be less sensitive, more light-hearted and carefree about words, and not take them all to heart.

I take words very seriously. The truth is, I take what people say to me and about me to heart. My husband says that feedback is a gift and I can choose to take it or not. I have definitely not mastered that yet. When someone tells me something about myself, or I hear of something someone said about me, I internalize it, analyze it, and apply it to my life to see if there is any truth to it. Here is the big flaw in that; I am human and a sinner, and always find a place where any negative comments could be true.

The Bible talks a great deal about the tongue and it’s power. We are warned to control our tongue and to use it to bless people and not curse them.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.  ~Ephesians 4:29

In my mind and my heart, harsh words, whether said with a laugh and a joke or not, are hurtful. Sometimes I see other couples pick at each other and think I should be more like them, but I am not. The reality is, when I hear other couples pick on each other in a manor I perceive to be too harsh, I hurt for them and worry one of them may be internally hurt by the words, even if they don’t admit it. I guess I just can’t wrap my head around the ability to not take words to heart.

I feel like I am going through a season of fire with this particular trait of mine. I believe God is trying to grow me in this area, and I am struggling. Since my husband has become a pastor I find myself in situations where my sensitivities are hindering me. My analytical and often self-critical mind tries to go into over-drive and I am constantly trying to rein it in. I believe God has me here for a period of growth. If I am being honest, I am really pretty mad about it.

With my word for 2019 being “self-discipline”, I am continually figuring out new ways God is trying to stretch me in that area, and how far and wide self-discipline reaches in my life. I find myself wanting to throw a full on 2-year-old tantrum at God’s feet demanding He stop making me do this hard work. Then, I stand up, brush myself off, dry my tears and move forward, growing and learning through these painful lessons. 

My prayer in this season is that I learn how God would have me handle other’s words. I am not praying that He take away or lessen my sensitivity. Like every trait, there is a good side and a bad side to it. The bad side to sensitivity is my ability to be too easily and unnecessarily hurt by people who mean no harm to me. The positive side is that I am sensitive to others and their feelings and try to always take them into consideration when speaking to or about someone. Like most things, to get the good, you have to deal with the bad. My prayer is that God can help me adjust my perspective so I can see the bad side of my sensitivity and adjust it to His will. I just keep repeating in my head, “Jesus be near during this season of fire!” And you  know what, He is near and He is protecting me from being burned!

Self-Discipline

At the end of each year, I reflect on the previous year and the lessons I learned. Then, I look forward to the new year and pray about what God would have me focus on for a fresh start. He graciously provides a word for me to hold close all year to help me focus on areas of growth and blessings. Some years I am exhilarated by the word I hear from Him, but every once in a while, the word leaves me breathless and downright fearful of what I may have to learn over the next 365 days. This year is one of those years for me!

The process I use for finding this word usually involves lots of writing, praying, searching God’s Word, and loudly singing praise songs that lift my spirits and make me feel closer Him. This year, however, was very different. God gave me my word before I had a chance to start the process; so of course, I dismissed it completely. Then, I struggled to get the process going again because that word simply would not shut up! Admittedly, I became more than a bit indignant with God about the whole situation. Telling Him He was doing this wrong and taking things out of order and He needed to get Himself together. As I am sure you can imagine, this did not work well for me.

After a few battles, I gave in and decided it would be wise to hear God out and seek His ways instead of mine. Genius, right? I swear I am no better than a 2-year-old having a tantrum sometimes. I wanted God to do it my way and just make me feel good about my word to inspire me to happiness and prosperity. There are times I really feel like I am maturing as a Christian; this was not one of them.

So, I gave in to God’s word; “self-discipline,” and started writing out my focus for the year. I immediately begin to think of the normal human self-disciplines like; eating healthier, exercising, getting organized, spending time with God every day, reading more, watching less tv, etc. My focus for 2019 read more like a list of self-improvement goals. God was quick to let me know that was not what He meant—but I was slow to listen (as usual).

During time with God each morning for the following week, I kept finding a common message which had more to do with my mind than my actions. It became painfully clear to me that God wasn’t asking me to focus on my physical disciplines, but instead to work on my mental and spiritual disciplines. I was both relieved and terrified at the same time. I took a break for a moment, got a couple of cookies (since I no longer had to work on my eating habits) and refocused my mind. I began praying that God would show me His ways and His plan. I was blown away with what was revealed.

So, I took my focus page for 2019 that was saved and made it a goals page instead; to best reflect this new meaning. Next, came a new focus page for 2019, again, directed by God. I normally don’t share my focus page with people as it is personal and between me and God, but I feel it is important to share here.

2019 Focus

·     Marinate in God’s Word daily

o   Spend time with God first.

o   Read the Bible with the same enthusiasm I read social media.

·     Manage my thought life

o   I control my mind, it doesn’t control me.

o   Feed my mind with God’s Word.

·     Share God’s Word

o   Reach out weekly to friends with life-giving Words 

o   Share the gospel and it’s love with all.

·     Become who God has called me to be

o   Seek my calling

o   Give my whole self to my calling

·     Be a better counsel for others

o   Turn to God’s Word for help, not my own words.

o  Guide people to God in their search for answers.

“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.”  Proverbs 23:7 (AMP)

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”  Philippians 4:8

Now, this is the kind of focus God wants me to have.  Not that my health and wellness is not important, because it is, but it shouldn’t be the main focus in my life. I find that if my focus is on God and His will, the rest of my life seems to fall into place a lot better. Fighting against God’s will and His plan never gets me where I need to go. I sure wish I could keep that lesson at the forefront of my mind more often.

God Calls The Messy

Sometimes, no matter how sure I am about something, doubt creeps in and tries to steal my certainty. There are times it is obvious what is going on, but other times, I am taken by surprise by the crippling doubt. Self-doubt sneaks in like a thief in the night and tries to steal my purpose and calling right out from under me. If I am not careful and on guard, I will fall prey without even realizing what is going on.

The summer between my eighth and ninth grade years I felt a calling on my life while I was at church camp. I knew I was going to be a pastor’s wife. Fast forward eight years and I married a man in the Coast Guard and just figured I was wrong about that calling. Fast-fast forward again, another 17 years and the calling on my life was finally revealed as my husband was called into the ministry. How many of you know that God is never late; no matter how long it takes Him, He is always right on time?

“The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 

2 Peter 3:9 

He always proves Himself to be faithful to His call on my life, too.

Today, 31 years after that God-prompting on my life, I am a pastor’s wife and we are CHURCH PLANTERS of Texas Grand Chapel. God’s plan never ceases to blow me away and make my dreams for myself seem so very small. He always takes me deeper and farther than I ever thought I was capable of going. Sometimes I wonder why He thinks I am up for the tasks He gives me, but then I remember that He is able, therefore I am able with Him in my heart.

Even though I thought after I married my husband that I would never be a pastor’s wife, I always found myself looking at pastor’s wives and thinking, “If I was a pastor’s wife I would want to be like that”, or “If I was a pastor’s wife, I would do that differently.” It’s like I was picking and choosing from the traits I saw in others to create what I thought would be the best pastor’s wife. Little did I know, that was exactly what I was doing!

Many of the pastor’s wives I have had the privilege of observing are very well put together, soft spoken, gentle, and quietly supporting their husbands. Most of them rarely go up in front of the church or reluctantly do at the request of their husband. They serve the church and their husbands behind the scenes not out front for all to see. They are private and reserved, and sweet and kind. This is where my self-doubt sneaks in and tries to steal my calling and my confidence. 

Let me share a little about me. I AM LOUD! I have a booming voice that I struggle to control the volume on. I love to talk. Give me a microphone and an audience and lookout, because I have so many words that must be shared. There is nothing quiet, gentle, or reserved about me. I am happiest in some comfy clothes with a ball cap and no make-up. I love to serve behind the scenes but I jump at the chance to be right up front. I am a Too Much Information (TMI) kind of girl and believe that no subject is off the table for discussion. Clearly, I don’t fit the mold I have observed over the years.

Did God make a mistake? Am I living a life I am not meant for? Am I failing at my calling? What is wrong with me? These are just a few of the questions I catch myself asking. As I type this, while I am in my rational mind, I know the answers to these questions. God made me who I am and He never makes mistakes. However, catch me on an emotional doubting day, or on a day when menopausal emotions are winning, and all rational thinking goes out the window and I get lost in defeat and self-doubt—it is a constant battle.

Here is the reality, I base my self-doubts on my comparisons to other people, not my comparison to God’s Word. He never once says in His Word that pastor’s wives have to have a certain temperament or personality, I am putting those stipulations on me all by myself. I am called to be exactly who God made me to be and He will use me just as I am.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

Psalm 139:14

Have you ever noticed in the Bible that God seems to use the messiest people who are full of doubt to do His mighty works? Moses had a stutter, and questioned God even as He appeared to Him in a miraculous burning bush. Let’s not even get into all the doubters that God parted the Red Sea for. David was a man after God’s own heart, yet he committed adultery and murder. Gideon was hiding in fear when God called him a warrior. Peter denied Jesus, Timothy doubted, Sara laughed at God’s promise, and the list goes on-and-on. Maybe, just maybe, my messiness is exactly what qualifies me to be a pastor’s wife. Perhaps, God chooses the least likely so it is obvious these works are of God and not of man. I think so! The best part is, my messiness is actually what qualifies me to be used by God. Now that is one qualification I can do well!

 

This is me most days; ball cap on and holding some kind of animal!

TMI Pitfalls

As I have stated many times before, I am a TMI-girl. I seem to share too much information about myself from time-to-time. Looking at my family, I am not quite sure where this particular trait came from, but it is definitely evident in me for sure. I probably need to wear a shirt that reads, “THE TMI IS STRONG IN THIS ONE!” Just as a warning to those I come in contact with. Though this is a trait I am generally fond of, it comes with some pitfalls and pains at times.

Being a TMI-girl means I am not a great keeper of my secrets. I try to have secrets, but eventually they all come spilling out. When I was a little girl my Dad and I went on a camping trip with our Indian Princess group. It was an awesome weekend filled with horseback riding, camp fires, and lots of laughs. One night around the campfire my Dad had a cigar with some of the other dads. He instructed me on the way home not to tell my mother, and I agreed not to tell. As soon as I got home I ran inside and immediately and uncontrollably told my mother every detail before my Dad even made it in the house. Needless to say, I was not on good terms with Dad for the rest of the day. 

Now that I am older, I have become better at keeping other people’s secrets, but I still can’t keep my own. Letting people into your secrets can be a dangerous thing sometimes. I have learned this the hard way for sure. When I am open and honest with my shortcomings, my failures, and my bad habits, it opens me up for judgment and criticism. Admitting these things can make me seem weak to some, but I believe it is actually a strength. I may share too much, but no one could accuse me of being fake or secretive. I am who I am and that is just how God made me.

As much as I need to share all of my stuff, I am really good at not sharing other people’s information; my family gets excluded from this though. I do not like gossip and I always try my best to steer clear of being a part of it. I would never want to share something about anyone that would cause them pain or embarrassment. A side note here; I love to share embarrassing stories about my children regularly! I tell them all the time that I waited a long time and had to work really hard to have children to embarrass, so I do not want to waste any opportunities.

When my husband was called into the ministry, I quickly realized my TMI needed to be reined in a bit. I struggled to find a way to still be me and not share everything. I do not want to share anything that could be misunderstood and hurt my husband’s ministry in any way. I had to find a way to be open-and-honest without sharing every single detail of me with anyone-and-everyone within a 50-mile radius. I had to learn how to share in a way that is pleasing to God. I also had to learn how to share about me and not my husband—which is easier said than done. So much about me is intertwined with him that it can be hard to share something about me without divulging too much about him. I am still a work in progress. I have been meditating on a couple of verses to help me…

“Those who guard their mouths and their tongues keep themselves from calamity.” 

Proverbs 21:23

“Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”

 Psalm 141:3

Another pitfall is how I relate to others. Since I share everything, I struggle to connect with people who share very little. I struggle to understand them and find any common ground. In recent years, I find that God has put a lot of these people in my path; so I guess He is trying to teach me to be better in this area. A few years back, I met a lovely woman named Pam. I was immediately drawn to her, but for some reason felt like I could not connect with her. We traveled down a bumpy road to connection, but we made it to the other side. One weekend, we were talking about how she had been trying to hide some of the things about herself she felt were displeasing and pretended like she had it all together. That is when it hit me; this was the reason we were not connecting. I told her I loved messy people. I love to get in the ditches and pits with people and walk with them out of it. This is real life, and that is what connects me to people. Some people like to people watch; I like to link arms with them and walk side-by-side through the ups and downs of life.

There have been times I wish I was not such an over-sharer; times I wished I could have just turned it off. Now, I know it is a gift, and one I need to be thankful for. Some people truly struggle to tell people their story, and let them into the inner most parts of themselves. I believe that can be a very lonely place to be. True community happens when we get our hands dirty together and do the hard work of this life. It takes a brave person to be honest about who they are, and then share their honesty with others. I think being true to who we are is freedom. Freedom from shame, guilt, degradation, and even pain. Oddly enough, I have discovered that many times my honesty and TMI actually makes others feel better about themselves. They either feel like they are not alone in their struggles or like they are not doing so bad compared to me. Either way, my struggles can help others and that is worth any backlash I may receive for sharing.

All in all, I am thankful for my TMI ways. Like any gift, it is how I use it that matters. So, I pray the Lord uses my failures, my shortcomings, my missteps, and all my other dirty laundry to help others on their journey. I believe that nothing should be wasted. I always tell my kids when they make a mistake not to waste it by not learning from it. How much better would it be for people to learn from my mistakes so they do not have to make them. My Father-in-Law told my husband, “if you can learn from your mistakes, you are doing good. If you can learn from others’ mistakes, you are doing great.”

This is me trying to rein in my TMI in front of a wonderful group of ladies.