I'm Obsessed

I would not consider myself to be obsessive-compulsive…much. However, from time to time I latch onto something and simply cannot let it go. Is it just me, or can anyone even say, “Let it go” without singing it? Sorry, I digress. It gets so bad sometimes that I literally dream/day dream about my obsessions. I find myself planning my life around these obsessions as if they were a reality. Most of the time, whatever I happen to be obsessed about is the very thing my husband despises or at the very least is the last thing he would ever want.

When my oldest was a toddler I just knew that he needed a sandbox, and my husband was even more certain that he definitely did not. I pushed and pushed, but his answer was firm. So, he went away to OCS…and Lance magically got a sandbox. When Steve got home and he saw how much Lance loved the sandbox he finally agreed it was a good purchase. That same sandbox lasted us through our middle child who literally depended on the sandbox to help him deal with life. I would say that was an obsession win!

There was another time that I was obsessed with Chihuahuas. I simply had to have one. A friend of ours adopted a Chihuahua from the SPCA that was pregnant. We agreed to take one of the puppies. I was so excited and so were the kids. We got to see the little puppy a few times after it was born. A few days before we were supposed to bring it home it died. I was devastated. I immediately got on-line and began searching for Chihuahua puppies in my area for sale. After finding some near by I called my husband, and the first thing I said was, “Are you going to do the right thing?” Needless to say, we got a precious little puppy that day who turned out to be one of our best pets ever.

My latest obsession is chickens and horses! I love them, need them, and must find a way to have them in my life. Two of my kids take horseback riding lessons once a week. The sweet girl who teaches the lessons also happens to have chickens. The three of us love, love, love going to her house each week so we can pretend they are all ours. We get to see the chickens, care for the horses, sometimes search for eggs, and ride the horses. Every Tuesday, all is right in our little world as we spend time with the animals.

Watching my kids interact with the animals has only made my obsession worse. My middle son has some special needs, but there are times when I watch him ride a horse that he seems just like anybody else. It is as if his special needs have melted away and he is functioning normally. This makes my heart soar and my eyes fill with tears of joy. I want him to have more of that in his life. He truly loves the horses and thoroughly enjoys his time with them.

My toddler loves animals more than anyone I have ever met. She loves ALL animals. When I ask her what kind of pet she wants, her reply is “lots and lots of animals!” She lives for Tuesdays when we can go see the animals. She has no fear. She will walk up to the horse, grab the halter and pull the horses face to hers so she can give it a kiss. When she is around animals, she simply comes alive.

I have seen my kids learn responsibility, self-control, confidence, compassion, and so much more because of their time spent with their lesson horses. My middle son really struggles with self-control and self-discipline. When he is riding a horse he has to be in control of himself if he expects to be in control of the horse. He has to trust the horse and the horse has to trust him. Both of my kids tend to be pretty impulsive, but handling the horses forces them to stop and think before they act or react around them.

Now, about my chicken obsession. My family eats lots and lots of eggs, and I mean lots! My oldest son alone can eat 6+ in one sitting (football players can put away a serious amount of food). I don’t know if you have priced pasture-raised, no growth hormones added eggs, but it is truly outlandish! How great would it be to just go out in my backyard and collect the eggs everyday for breakfast? Super, super great! Plus it would teach my kids responsibility as they help me maintain the chickens and their coop. I see this as a win no matter which way I look at it.

My husband is not nearly as excited about the animals as we are. We have tried to talk him into chickens and he refuses. He keeps telling us something about it being against the HOA or some kind of fiddle-faddle like that. For some reason he doesn’t think the horse will work in our backyard with the pool either. I think he is just being difficult. Would it be wrong to start a “go fund me” account so I can raise the money to move out into the country and buy all the animals my heart desires? I feel it is a worthy cause, don’t you?

I think I was born to be a country girl on a farm. For some reason it just hasn’t happened yet. It took God and me nine years to convince Steve we needed a third child in our family.  It took God almost 30 years to fulfill His promise to me that I was going to be a pastor’s wife. I wonder how long it will take to convince Steve about the chickens and horses? Anyone want to place a bet? All money will go towards my farm.

Let's Talk About Weight

Here is the deal, people; I am a realist! I can usually see things for what they are--temporary! I know I have a tendency to be pretty hard on myself, but at the end of the day, I know who I am. I am a child of God, Christ follower, wife, mom, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, and a Texan (that’s important, ya know!). There are other words that describe me, but don't define me, like I have brown hair, I'm 5'6", I love horses and chickens, I love being outside, I'm an avid TV watcher, Houston Texans fan, and I'm overweight. It's that last one I am going to focus on a bit.

Just because I say I am overweight, or I have fat, or my legs are big, doesn't mean I am in some way insulting myself. My weight, or recent struggles with it, does not define me, control me, or make me who I am. My weight is just a current fact in my life. Let me be clear, I am not saying I am qualified to be on “My 600lb Life” or anything. I realize I am not grossly obese, but I am, in fact, overweight!

I have not struggled with my weight my entire life. I was always just average sized and never really had to worry about it. I became an aerobics instructor when I was 20 years old and then really didn't have to worry about my weight. I gained a lot of weight being pregnant with my oldest son, but enjoyed every pound! I lost the weight nice and steady and got back to within 5 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight while continuing to teach aerobics and personal train clients. My weight fluctuated off-and-on through the years, but not by much.

At 35 years old, I gave up teaching aerobics to help my middle son with his special needs. We moved to Massachusetts and I began gaining weight almost immediately. It was hard for me because for the first time my weight was not going to take care of itself. I had to face the hard, cold reality that I was going to have to figure out how to watch what I eat and discipline myself to exercise. It was a struggle for sure.

I managed to lose most of the weight I gained by becoming a foster mom. Kids can really keep me busy and moving, especially some of the kids we had! Just as I was feeling like I had a handle on my weight and eating habits, I developed internal pain that resulted in the need for a full hysterectomy. Between that and the 2-year hormone supplement roller-coaster I was prescribed, my body became totally confused.

Today, I am exercising, trying to eat healthier than I ever have by watching my sugar intake and trying to eat earth-grown food as much as I can. I also take vitamins and supplements believing that my body will respond…soon! I do not have body dysmorphic disorder (a mental disorder characterized by an obsessive preoccupation that some aspect of one's own appearance is severely flawed and warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it. ~ Wikipedia), but I am fully aware of my size. I have my moments, like most women, where I look in the mirror and hate what I see. There are times I sing, "fatty, fatty 2 by 4 can't fit through the bathroom door," but I know those are lies from the enemy and my lack of hormones. I may not like where I am weight wise, but I like the journey I am on to a better me. I am not a size 6 anymore, but that is ok.

I find it interesting that I have come under some fire from some of my friends lately because of how I talk about myself. I know they are trying to love me the best they can and I appreciate and love them so dearly! They love me so much that they don't want anything negative said about me, especially from me. Let me just ease everyone's mind. Being over weight does not define me, hold me back, or mean I hate myself. It is simply just where I am right now. I know that my body is not functioning the best it can at my current weight. It doesn't mean I am ugly or that I don't love or like myself. It just means I have some weight I need to lose to be a healthier me...period! Love me, but don't discount my journey by trying to tell me I am not overweight. On the flip side, it is best for your safety, not to stop me on the street and tell me I am fat either (just sayin’!). I am so thankful to Jesus every day that my struggles do not have to define me but they can change me and grow me beyond what I think I am capable of. My weight does not make me worthy or unworthy, that is Jesus' job. I am on my journey. I love Jesus, my family, and my friends with all my heart. I love myself as a child of God and I am following Him on my journey of life. And God willing, I will get to a healthier me!

Menopause is Like Being Drunk

Have you ever known anyone who is an angry drunk? What about that person who loves everyone after a few drinks? How about that person who cries after a couple of glasses of wine? Or, perhaps you are one of those people who have no experience with drunkenness, but I bet you have been around someone after surgery or procedure that act emotionally while on pain medications. Imagine now that all of those people are trapped inside of one person and they are constantly battling to get out. Then, from time to time, they all escape at the same time and pour out and attack poor unsuspecting souls that happen to cross their path.

Hi, my name is Stacy, and that person is me!

I have been around emotional drunk people as well as emotional medicated people. This is what I know to be true; whatever emotion they are feeling is forced upon everyone around them, whether they like it or not. These emotions do not have to make sense to anyone, not even the person  experiencing them.They are so strong and out of control they just burst out onto the scene and bludgeon people at will.

Before I disclose my own issues and embarrassment, I feel it necessary to embarrass my family first. When my oldest son was a freshman he broke his hand during the warm-ups before a football game. He proceeded to play the entire game, on the line, both sides of the ball, without disclosing how bad his hand was hurting. Needless to say, it took surgery to fix his hand. When he came out of surgery I was there waiting for him. He looked up at me tenderly, grabbed my hand gently, stared deep into my eyes and said, “Mom, I really need a pair of Indian pants. Please mom!” He was so upset when I immediately and uncontrollably began snort laughing at his request.

Ok, one more story. My husband is mildly claustrophobic, so MRI’s are not his friend. Sadly he has spine and shoulder issues that have required him to endure several of these in recent years. In order to survive these moments of torture, the doctor prescribes him some medication to relax him and take the edge off. This means he requires a designated driver for these glorious events, which is me. On the way to these appointments he can be crabby—but don’t tell him. Once we get to the office he is immediately given the medication he needs. Within 15 minutes he is so very in love with me and believes everyone in the office should know about it. I become his favorite and clearly the most awesome person he has ever met. He tells anyone in ear shot how lucky he is to have me. He looks at me like he did on our wedding day. For some reason the doctors refuse to allow him to take these pills every day; believe me, I have asked.

Well, now about me. I had to have a hysterectomy a few years ago, so I have the joys of instant menopause in my 40’s while trying to raise a teenager, a tween, and a toddler…pray for them! Though I am super duper happy with the decision to have this procedure done, there are a few drawbacks. I have hot flashes, strange weight fluctuations, and many times have zero control over my emotions. Not only do I have no control over them, but they can at times altogether come rushing at me all at once with no warning at all. This is the kind of day I am having today!

Let me give you some quick peeks into my morning. Just to keep this into perspective, as I type this, it is not even 10:00am. To start, I homeschool my middle son. He struggles to stay focused and on task most days so he can complete his work. There are certain assignments I give him to do on his own while I am downstairs so he can work on keeping himself focused without me there by his side. I will holler up to him from time to time to give him gentle reminders to focus and stay on task. So today I hear him clearly not doing his work for the 20^th time and I angrily holler up to him, “Tony, you better get back on task and get your work done...” By now I am crying, “…mommy wants you to learn so you can be smart, and get a job, and be a respectable adult that contributes to society.” And now I begin laughing, “Just get your work done!” A few minutes pass and I notice him looking over the balcony at me while I sit at my desk. I look up at him and he timidly asks, “Mommy, are you ok?” Bless his little heart! I will just chalk this up to husband training and remember to tell his future wife she can thank me for that!

After the crazy emotion of that moment I decide to make myself one of my all time favorite meals. Let me describe this crazy deliciousness to you:

·      Multi colored tomatoes, chopped

·      Seedless cucumber, chopped

·      Fresh basil, oregano, and parsley, chopped

·      Baby spinach leaves, chopped

·      Feta cheese

·      Parmesan, shredded

Mix all ingredients in a bowl and set aside. Slice and lightly toast sour dough bread. Lightly butter bread and top with heavenly mixture from above. Top with grated pepper jack cheese, drizzle with avocado oil and put back in the broiler until cheese melts. Remove from oven and brace yourself for a level of addictive goodness that you will now have to have every week!

So, after removing this deliciousness form the oven I sit down at the table to devour it completely.  As I begin to eat I become overwhelmed with the awesomeness of this scrumptious meal and begin to cry. This emotion quickly turns into laughter at how ridiculous I am being, which turns into me choking on my remarkable meal and fearing for my life.

I need a nap!

Some days I am convinced I need a padded room and perhaps a straight jacket. Then I go grocery shopping and am reminded of what isle I no longer have to shop on, can I get an amen; and I feel it is an even trade. This is my life that I gladly and unashamedly share. I hope that my hot mess of a life makes you feel better about your day. It might be a good idea to fervently pray for all of those who are forced to come in contact with me on a daily basis. Like sands through the hour glass, so are the emotions in my day…or minute, the way this day is going.

 * I jog to help keep my sanity, but sometimes my menopausal brain takes over and I do things like pay money to run through mud and muck with my sister! I cannot be trusted to make these kinds of decisions!

A Mother's Heart

The heart of a mother is an amazing thing. God created it to be so strong, loving, kind, and beautiful. A mother’s heart knows no bounds, no distance, and no time. A mother’s heart is steady and true and unwavering even if the mother herself feels she isn’t strong enough. The mother may doubt, but her heart doesn’t. The mother may waiver, but the heart stands strong. I am amazed and blessed at what God can do with a mother’s heart.

However, I know that there are some mother’s out there that don’t have this same heart. I know that there are mother’s that don’t treat their kids the way they should. I know this because I had some of their kids in my home as foster kids. I do not have an explanation as to why their hearts don’t beat the same way nor why they appear to not care at times; I wish I did. Having come through infertility issues and spending so many years praying and begging for kids to love, I simply cannot wrap my brain around it. I do know that many mothers try to do their best and fall short, or simply aren’t capable of making it work.  I can say this, God did not create a mother to be that way, but free will and sin nature can ruin God’s best creations. The sins of our forefathers are no joke and we all suffer them. One more point on this matter, some of the strongest mother hearts I have been blessed to see, have had to make the painfully hard choice to give their kids up to other families in order to give them the life they believe they deserve. I am forever grateful for these strong mother's and their amazing hearts!

So, my kids were watching Tarzan today. This movie gets me every time with its story of a mom’s heart. This mom loved a baby that was not born of her, did not look like her, and that no one could understand…at first. For obvious reasons this story is close to my heart. I am the mom of two kids that did not come from my body, do not look like me, and some people have struggled to understand why. I love how Disney puts adoption in so many of their movies! Thanks Walt!

There is a song in the movie called, “You’ll Be In My Heart” by Phil Collins. This song always brings tears to my eyes. As I was sitting as my desk sobbing I was really paying attention to the words (as I was belting them out through my sobs).

“This bond between us

Can’t be broken

I will be here don’t you cry

Cause you’ll be in my heart

Yes you’ll be in my heart

From this day on

Now and forever more

You’ll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You’ll be here

In my heart, always”

I mean WOW! As I sit at my desk, I have a view of my wall of kids; biological, adoptive, and foster, they are all up there. Those lyrics above are what I would like to tell each one of them. Once these kids were placed in my home, they were firmly planted in my heart forever and ever; they weren’t visitors, they became family. The ones who have moved on will always have a place in my heart, my home, and my life. I would take any one of them back in a minute. One of the kids in particular was extremely difficult to see go. The day she left was filled with tears and pain. I can remember crying with her and holding her and wishing she could stay. Oh, how I wish I could say these words to her.

I never thought I would be a foster mom, not in a million years. I didn’t believe my heart was strong enough. As a matter of fact, I still can’t believe I had the strength to get through not being able to keep each one of them, even the ones that were difficult. I can get attached to a baby in line at Wal-Mart and be sad when the mother finishes checking out and leaves. I feel like I at least deserve visitation rights or something. You can’t even imagine how hard it was to let go of these children that were brought into our home. We loved them, took care of them, and nourished them, then one day they were gone.

With foster care, once the child leaves your home, the chances of you ever seeing that child again are almost non-existent. How does my heart handle that? I am here to tell you, I have absolutely no idea! This is why I say that a mother’s heart is amazing. As a matter of fact, it is a down right miracle right here on earth. It is something that only God can create. When I felt like I couldn’t go on, my heart got me through. It continued to beat and love again with reckless abandon. That is the miracle, a heart that won’t stop.

I pray I always follow my heart, for I know who resides there—God!.. May I always believe my heart is stronger than I could imagine. Sometimes I think my mother-heart frightens my husband a bit. Every time he sees me holding a baby, his heart skips a beat, whereas my heart beats steady and true. Though I don’t believe we will be bringing anymore babies into our home—I may have promised this very thing to my husband, I have no idea how many more children will come through our doors and into my mother’s heart.

Lessons From Fasting

Our church did 21 days of fasting and prayer not long ago. We had to decide as a family what we were going to fast from. I energetically chose TV thinking this would be great for my family. I really wasn’t thinking I would miss it that much since I hardly ever actually get to watch what I want. I knew it would be hard for my two youngest kids and that would subsequently make it harder for me, but I felt brave and was up for the challenge.

Our first day was on a Sunday. It was way easier than I thought it was going to be and I actually enjoyed my time without the TV on. We turned up the Christian music and sang loudly. No one really even seemed to miss having the TV on so I felt confident we would be able to make it for 21 days. I was blinded by pride and the misconception that I was above TV watching.

Just a few short days into this fasting I found myself alone in the living room. The 2 younger kids had been sent to bed early to save their lives, my oldest was at work and my husband was at a meeting. I got so excited that for the first time in a long time I was going to get to watch what I wanted to watch on TV without anyone interrupting me or complaining. I parked my behind in my recliner, grabbed the remote, and it hit me…we are fasting from TV!!! I actually found myself a bit angry about it. Then I was angry because I got angry. It was a vicious cycle that only a menopausal or hormonal woman could truly understand.

There were 5 or 6 evenings during our fast that I had the opportunity to watch TV all by myself and yet couldn’t. I am here to tell you, that NEVER happens, and I am sure, now that our fasting is done, it will never happen again. Here is what I found though, my kids actually handled not watching TV better than I did. They actually played with their toys and each other. Well, except for my 16 year old who only has time for TV on the weekends, and he just replaced TV time with gym time. As a matter of fact, I seemed to be the only one really having a hard time at all. I found I was embarrassed for myself.

“The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights, you who say to yourself, ‘Who can bring me down to the ground?’” (Obadiah 1:3)

My pride had gotten the best of me. I just knew my family would be miserable, those poor lost souls that were addicted to the devil’s TV, and yet it was me all along that had the problem. Who would have guessed it?

The goal of fasting is to replace what you give up with time spent with our Lord and Savior. I have to confess that much of the 21 days I totally and miserably failed at this.  I simply found other things to fill my time like Pinterest, social media, Boov Pop (don’t judge me). Now don’t get me wrong, I am a busy mom of three and my middle son (who has some special needs) is homeschooled. I am an ambassador with Plexus Worldwide. Plus I volunteer at my church with our local outreach called Cityserve and with the Woman’s ministry. I don’t get a lot of free time, but what free time I had these past 21 days was mostly wasted on non-God things.

With all my failings and shortcomings during this fast, there were some successes and amazing moments orchestrated by God that I was blessed to witness. I was able to attend weekly prayer meetings with my middle son and here him pray his little heart out. If you ever want to hear a heart beating for Jesus just listen to a little one pray innocently to their Lord and Savior. It was many times almost more than my heart could take in.  I was privileged to watch him humble himself before the Lord and cry out to Him for the sake of others. My young man has so many struggles in life, but his heart for Jesus is strong and true and I know it will carry him through the tough things of this world.

I also had the blessing of being led in a prayer meeting by my husband. Words can’t describe what it is like to be sitting in a church watching your husband lead people, as well as yourself, through prayer. I love that my husband has been called to preach and teach and lead people to Christ. He has spent most of our marriage saving people’s lives out on the water through the Coast Guard, and now he also get’s to watch people’s lives be saved by the living water, Jesus Christ. What an amazing life God has orchestrated for him and I am blessed to be along for the ride.

So what did I learn in my 21 days? My name is Stacy and I am addicted to TV. I also learned that my husband and I must be doing something right with our kids if they can pray from their hearts like they do…even our little 4 year old. When my house is too quiet I realize that my children are much louder than I ever realized. And finally, I learned that more time wasn’t what I need in my day. What my life and my days really need is a lot more Jesus and more time won’t give me that. Jesus is with me always; everywhere I go and in everything I do. I simply need to stop ignoring Him and engage. Realizing the things that steal my time from Jesus was a real humbling eye opener. I will go forth from here with a new perspective and a heart and mind in constant contact with my Savior.