Control

By nature, I am not a control freak. I am perfectly fine with others making decisions or handling situations; and I generally trust them to do so. I usually freely give God control without trying to take it back from Him. I say “usually,” because clearly that is not always the case. Where my control issues tend to rear its ugly head is in regards to how people perceive or feel about me. I just want people to see me for who I am and still like me…is that really too much to ask? The answer to that question appears to be an emphatic “YES”. I am going to give two examples from my own experience to illustrate this point.

Example number one happened many years ago when my oldest was just a toddler. Someone that I considered to be a very close friend felt like things had changed in our friendship and just before she moved, seemed a bit cold toward me. I chose to ignore it and pretend things were fine. After she moved it became clear that she was upset with me and I felt that I should discover why. I simply could not leave it alone and continued to bug her until she told me. Needless to say, it was very hard to hear the things she had had to say. I took all of her words and used them to beat myself up obsessively while I did everything in my power to make amends and show her I was a good friend. I became obsessed with trying to change her mind about me. I used her words for many years to beat myself up and belittle myself. We did end up making amends and continued being friends. Years later I found out she had been going through her own personal struggles and everything she had said was not necessarily accurate.

Example number two happened more recently. I shared something personal with someone I considered to be a close friend, and soon thereafter, found out this person shared my personal information with others. I confronted her to discuss it and forgave her very quickly—quickly forgiving someone is a trait of mine. Some time passed and she never contacted me or reached out in any way. It was not unusual for us to go long periods of time without talking; but I hoped she would reach out. After some time, I sent her a message to which she did not respond, so I sent another, and another, and another, and…you get the picture. Again, I struggled to simply let it go without feeling like we had made amends. Really though, I could not let it go because I needed her to like me. Come to find out she did not view me as the same kind of friend I viewed her as. Once again, I used her words and feelings to beat myself up and tell myself what a bad friend I must be.

In both of the examples above I was trying to control my friends and make them like me, whether they wanted to or not. I felt like I needed them to see me, my heart, and understand me. I am not one to let go of people easily, but I try too hard to control the situation. I wish I could say this wasn’t a habit of mine, but it is. Even if someone has clearly hurt me, I am still the one trying to hunt them down to make amends and be friends again. For some reason, I don’t let go and let God handle it. I can’t stand the thought of someone out there harboring bad feelings about me or not liking me, even if I don’t like them. How crazy is that?

This morning during my time with Jesus I was slapped in the face with some truth. In Christine Caine’s book “Unshakeable,” she wrote, “A healthy approach to relationships is to love others enough to let them make their own choices instead of succumbing to your need to control and insisting on your choices.” She went on saying, “As you learn to trust God to keep you through everything, you learn to relax and let go of control. Doing so will bring you the peace you were trying to grasp in your own strength.” Peace is what I was looking for. Peace in regards to who I am and how I am perceived. It’s like I was trying to like myself through other people’s feelings about me. If people like me then I can’t be that bad, right? But as soon as I found someone who didn’t like me or understand me, I let it define me. So, in an effort to change my opinion about myself I tried to control other people’s opinions of me. Clearly, I need a straight jacket and a padded cell, right? Or perhaps, I just need to rely on and trust in the love, mercy, and grace of my Savior and let Him define who I am!

Here is the reality, God loves me just as I am, but He has no plans to leave me like I am. He is always growing me and pruning me and tending to my every need. I can rely on Him always. He loves me unconditionally no matter what I do or how badly I mess up. I cannot expect others to be God or see me like God sees me. Maybe in my pruning process I am supposed to lose friends, move on, and keep getting better. Instead of trying to convince people I am likeable, I need to work on being all God has called me to be. God will bring people into and out of my life and I need to trust His reasons and His seasons. Plus, I have so many really great friends that like me just for who I am and I am thankful every day for each one of them that God has brought into my life and heart! All I can really control is me following Jesus, and let’s be honest, that is a difficult task all by itself!

Take a minute to listen to this song...SO AMAZING!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFfztu8-bBQ

Fear Factor

Did you ever watch scary movies as a kid? My sister and I used to love to watch them on rainy nights; especially if we were home alone. Now, if you watched scary movies, you know the drill at bedtime; run to your room and leap onto your bed from the doorway so the serial killer hiding under your bed won’t grab your legs. Then, you lay awake in your bed for hours listening to every little sound and try to convince yourself that no one is there and you are safe. If you were smart, you brought a flashlight to bed so you could see what was around you, but then realized the flashlight caused creepy looking shadows all over your room. Once you finally fell asleep you would most likely have bad dreams about the monsters coming to get you. When you woke up in the morning you would act like it was all no big deal and tell your friends and family you slept great and you weren’t scared at all.

Fear is a very tricky thing. Just when you are certain you have conquered your fears you either find new ones or discover the old ones are still lurking around playing with your mind. When I would watch a scary movie as a kid, I was certain I could handle it and was not afraid, but by the end of the movie, I was scared and questioning my judgement. I feel like I repeat this pattern in my adult life as well. When first faced with fear, I am certain I can conquer it. Soon thereafter, I find myself trying to avoid the fear lurking under my bed. Then I get lost in my thoughts of “what if” and my own insecurities and self-doubt. I see failure everywhere I look and no way out. I even dream of ways the fear will overtake me. Then I go out into the world and pretend like I am not afraid and I have this well in control.

My middle son has Autism, ADHD, and Anxiety. When he was younger, we had major struggles taking him out in public. We could almost guarantee a total and complete meltdown at some point during our outing. I believed he needed to learn to handle it, so I kept taking him out and trying to practice good behavior. It took years to get to a point that we could go out like normal people; if there is such a thing! Every time we left the house I was afraid of the looks, the comments, the utter humiliation I knew was coming my way, and then there was the fear that this would never get better and this was as good as it was going to get. Now, I sit on the other side of that seeing how it got better and we overcame those tough times with God leading the way. I really believed after years of enduring this kind of embarrassment that I had become immune to these fears—I was wrong.

This week I received a call from the principal of my daughter’s school letting me know she got in trouble for not cooperating and hiding under a table. She had apparently made a squeal sound which prompted the teacher to send her to the principal. This same day she had gymnastics after school. She seemed to do fine in class, but something went terribly wrong and she came to me in tears at the end. I didn’t see what happened but I learned she had been disrespectful. The rule is, if she misbehaves in class she doesn’t get a treat from the vending machine. This rule, when enforced, caused her to lose her mind. I immediately had flashbacks of my son’s meltdowns and all of those feelings of embarrassment, anger, sadness, and fear came rushing at me as I was dragging her to the car kicking and screaming. My immunity failed me!

I seem to always think I am immune to a fear that I have previously conquered, but most times I discover that is not true. It is a constant battle, and one I must be prepared for. Psalm 118:6-7 strengthens me;

“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The Lord is with me, He is my helper.”

This verse sustained me through some really tough times with my middle son, but I seemed to forget it earlier this week when faced with the same struggle with a different child. Fear loses its power when I am armed with the word of God. This is what seems to happen to me though: I know the Word, I am attacked by fear, I forget to focus on the Word, and start drowning in fear, then I remember the Word and God rescues me…EVERYTIME! Oh, how I want to leave out the middle parts and just react with faith from the start.

So, I shared last week that we had to have a contract on our house by Sunday because our closing date for the new house is set for April 4^th. I was battling fear all last week. We found out on Monday of this week that our closing date is actually April 10^th, so that means we have until Saturday to have a contract before things get tricky. Here I sit on Friday morning with no contract, yet full of faith. I am not going to lie to you and tell you I haven’t had moments of fear about our house selling this week, but they have been short lived and quickly conquered with God’s Word. My stance this week has been centered on Psalm 34:4

“I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my fears.”

Here is the funny thing; while I was strong about one fear, another one snuck in and wrecked me. Isn’t that just the way satan works? He sneaks in and tries to make me feel weak and distracts me from my focus. I found myself during quiet time this week talking directly to the devil himself telling him, “I see you! My God is stronger; so you better stop wasting your time and mine!” In Mark 5:36, Jesus told one of the Synagogue leaders named Jarius, “Don’t be afraid, just believe.” I can’t say that I will not feel fear again, but I know I do not need to give in to my fears and let it control me. So, I will continue to chant Deuteronomy 3:22:

“Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God Himself will fight for you.”

P.S. Today is Saturday and we are currently negotiating a contract with potential buyers! God is oh so good, and right on time!

My theme song lately:

God Stories

So here is the question: What do you do when God’s promise is not delivered on your timeline?

Here is the situation: God called my husband and I to plant a church called Texas Grand Chapel in the Conroe, Texas area. In obedience, we started looking for a very specific piece of property to call home. Well, we found it and put an offer on a house there and it has been accepted. Our closing is set for April 4^th, which means we need a contract on our current home by March 4th for the closings to match up—or we risk losing the house in Conroe and the earnest money paid in good faith. For those of you following along, that was yesterday! I do not know all the steps necessary to make God’s plan happen, nor the order in which He has them planned, but I do know He made us a promise and I believe He will follow through just like He always does.

That wonderful faith statement aside, I find myself sitting here, wondering what is going to happen, why is God requiring us to wait, why does this have to be so hard, and is my faith strong enough to withstand this? Steve and I truly and fully believe the house in Conroe is being provided by God. We have been praying for this house. We prayed for God to give us a house we can use for ministry; not just a place to live. We prayed for a home where we can host lots of people. We prayed for a home to start the church in. We prayed for a location with enough space to build a home for my parents so we can care for them as they age. We prayed for a pool and many baptisms to happen in it. We prayed for our home to be more than we could ever imagine. Let me tell you, the house God brought us to in Conroe is all of that and more!

In times of change and uncertainty I rely heavily on faith. My approach is, “I have to do all the possible and let God handle the impossible.” I rarely waver from this stance. If something feels impossible to me I generally feel a sense of relief because then I know it is not my responsibility…one less thing on my plate, if you know what I mean. Now, if left alone, I can contently remain in this faithful place. However, how many of you know that the devil never leaves me alone in that place. He surrounds me with noise, doubtful comments, nay-sayers, and unbelievers. I have been doing a pretty good job of turning off the noise and turning on God instead, but as time has past, my strength is growing weary. My faith is still strong, but my flesh is weak.

I walked into church yesterday with a little anger about our situation. I was trying my best to stuff it deep down and continue to pretend I was sitting in the faithful place I had been in. You know, fake it till you make it! Before walking into service some of our friends walked in the door and we greeted them with big hugs and smiles. They are missionaries in Ethiopia and just returned to the United States for a seven-week visit. We began to tell one of them about our situation and he immediately grabbed our hands and prayed over us and our situation. Once again God proved He knows just what I need, just when I need it, and He will provide. I immediately felt the burden lift and went to find a seat before service began. Then the music started and I was wrecked! The first song was “King of My Heart” and tears immediately began flowing. The second song was a new one to me; “Greater Things,” by Mack Brock. I sang this one through tears and snot bubbles—I was a hot mess! Then came, “Do It Again.” By this point I didn’t even care how bad I must look and sound, I was singing with all I had in me. God knew I needed strength and encouragement and He gave it to me through song!

Now, if that wasn’t enough, the message just put the bow on top! Pastor Steven Yoes brought it home yesterday with a powerful message! One of the scriptures he shared was Joshua 1:9…

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

He said we may feel fear and discouragement, but that doesn’t mean we have to be ruled by them. Even courageous people experience the feeling of fear, they just don’t get lost in it, or stuck there. Here is the deal; God has already been to the places He is calling us, He knows each step we must take because He has taken them first. I just have to trust His ways and His time.

So, back to the first question; What do you do when God’s promise is not delivered on your timeline?

Well, you keep marching! God’s timeline is rarely the same as mine because I am human and I set my timeline by human standards and He is God; who operates in a timeless economy. He created time and it is in His control. I must face my fear and faithfully walk on! I must refocus on my belief that I only have to do the possible, and let God handle the impossible. I can’t do God’s job, so it is better if I stop trying. He is writing an amazing story with our lives, I just have to keep reading.

So, stay tuned for the rest of this amazing God-story, that is being written with our lives and the life of Texas Grand Chapel, which we will be planting in the Conroe area within the next year. To God be the Glory for all He is doing in and through us!

God, today is my birthday, by the way…I’d like an offer on the house as a gift! ;-)

Here are some pictures of the new house...the backyard is heaven on earth!