I Am Sensitive

I am sensitive! There, I said it! I don’t do well with word jabs, or picking and poking at me and my attributes. I have tried for years to hide my sensitivity and pretend I can take it, but the fact is, words do hurt me. That old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” just doesn’t apply to me. I believe words matter and can be sharper than any sword. I believe there are truths about me that are funny, quirky, and downright silly, and I don’t mind pointing those things out about myself and laughing about them with others. However, there are other things about me that are embarrassing, shameful, and that I downright don’t like. Those are the things that are not safe to pick on, make fun of or point out in a crowd.

My husband loves to go back and forth with someone picking and jabbing at each other. He has had to learn to live with the fact that I am not one of those people for him. Truth be told, it is probably one of his least favorite things about our relationship. For me, that kind of behavior feels more like insulting and making fun of someone about real things, but laughing it off like it is a joke-but it really isn’t. Sometimes I wish I was different in this area. I wish I could be less sensitive, more light-hearted and carefree about words, and not take them all to heart.

I take words very seriously. The truth is, I take what people say to me and about me to heart. My husband says that feedback is a gift and I can choose to take it or not. I have definitely not mastered that yet. When someone tells me something about myself, or I hear of something someone said about me, I internalize it, analyze it, and apply it to my life to see if there is any truth to it. Here is the big flaw in that; I am human and a sinner, and always find a place where any negative comments could be true.

The Bible talks a great deal about the tongue and it’s power. We are warned to control our tongue and to use it to bless people and not curse them.

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.  ~Ephesians 4:29

In my mind and my heart, harsh words, whether said with a laugh and a joke or not, are hurtful. Sometimes I see other couples pick at each other and think I should be more like them, but I am not. The reality is, when I hear other couples pick on each other in a manor I perceive to be too harsh, I hurt for them and worry one of them may be internally hurt by the words, even if they don’t admit it. I guess I just can’t wrap my head around the ability to not take words to heart.

I feel like I am going through a season of fire with this particular trait of mine. I believe God is trying to grow me in this area, and I am struggling. Since my husband has become a pastor I find myself in situations where my sensitivities are hindering me. My analytical and often self-critical mind tries to go into over-drive and I am constantly trying to rein it in. I believe God has me here for a period of growth. If I am being honest, I am really pretty mad about it.

With my word for 2019 being “self-discipline”, I am continually figuring out new ways God is trying to stretch me in that area, and how far and wide self-discipline reaches in my life. I find myself wanting to throw a full on 2-year-old tantrum at God’s feet demanding He stop making me do this hard work. Then, I stand up, brush myself off, dry my tears and move forward, growing and learning through these painful lessons. 

My prayer in this season is that I learn how God would have me handle other’s words. I am not praying that He take away or lessen my sensitivity. Like every trait, there is a good side and a bad side to it. The bad side to sensitivity is my ability to be too easily and unnecessarily hurt by people who mean no harm to me. The positive side is that I am sensitive to others and their feelings and try to always take them into consideration when speaking to or about someone. Like most things, to get the good, you have to deal with the bad. My prayer is that God can help me adjust my perspective so I can see the bad side of my sensitivity and adjust it to His will. I just keep repeating in my head, “Jesus be near during this season of fire!” And you  know what, He is near and He is protecting me from being burned!