Living on The Edge And Almost Empty

The other day I went to the grocery store, actually I went to 4 grocery stores. I ordered online from 3 of them so I just had to pick up, but one of them I actually had to go inside and shop myself. I left the house later than I wanted, and didn’t even have time for my usual coffee stop. I had been trying to get to the grocery for about a week but I just couldn’t squeeze it in. I noticed my gas was low in the truck, but figured I could make it; I like to live on the edge of danger. As I finished up the last store and was heading home I once again heard the beeping sound of my truck warning me about the gas level. I looked at my dashboard only to discover I had 5 miles till I was empty, oops! As I pulled into the gas station (after praying and pleading the whole way there) I had a whopping 2 miles left to go. My first thought in my head was, "Wow, I must really like living on the edge almost empty!" This is how I feel I am living day to day lately. Pushing the limits of what is possible for me to do and almost out of fuel!

We are in a busy season of life. We moved across town in April 2018, planted Texas Grand Chapel in July of 2018, recently helped my parents move out of their house and into ours, currently helping them get their new home built, and have been busy trying to get to know our community and finding ways to serve it well. On top of that we have 3 kids, 20, 15, and 7 and have 18 animals (1 rabbit, 1 goat, 1 potbelly pig, 2 dogs, and 13 chickens) with  a miniature donkey coming soon and my parents 3 dogs as well.  All the while, I am battling the emotional roller coaster of menopause plus the insurmountable weight gain that I am constantly fighting and unhappy with. Needless to say, our life is full. All of the things I mentioned above are great things (minus the weight gain and menopause) and we know we are right where God wants us to be, however, that does not make any of it easy. Balancing the busy seasons can feel almost impossible. Many times, I find myself just trying to survive it. Most days I simply need an attitude adjustment!!

I wish I was one of those people who was really in tune to myself, but I am not. I usually take my husband to the doctor with me because I am always minimizing my symptoms and how long I have had them. When I try a new medication or supplement I have to take notes on how I am feeling just to force myself to pay attention. Many times I don't realize I am overwhelmed and running on empty until I have the strong desire to runaway from all of my adulting things and can't figure out why I am on the verge of tears most days. A little self-evaluation would definitely do me some good.

I am not someone who thrives on being busy. I have lots of my friends that love to be busy and constantly on the go, but that just isn’t me. I like a slower steadier pace that allows for quality time spent with my people.  The Bible tells a story in Luke chapter 10 about Mary and Martha, I reference this story often. When Jesus comes to their house Martha runs around the whole time doing all the things while Mary sits at Jesus feet soaking in all He has to say. I am happier when I am being Mary, but lately I have definitely been more Martha. I guess the reality is I am a cross between the two. I prefer to run around like Martha getting everything ready, then once the people come I like to stop and be Mary and just soak up the people.

During this busy season I have to continually remind myself to refuel and not let my tank run dry. Most of the time though, I come skidding into the refueling station almost on empty and out of breath. Why do I wait so long? God is my refueling station and He is with me every second of everyday, just waiting to fill up my tank and pour out His love on me. When I need Him the most I tend to spend less time with Him. I get so caught up in the busy I barely give Him a quick hello and an amen some days. I notice when I wake up to start my day I am getting close to empty, but I think to myself, “I can make it”, whisper a quick good morning to God and ask Him to help me, then off I go almost on empty facing a full day. Luckily, I don’t have to pray I make it to the refueling station, I can simply stop wherever I am and pray, spend time with God, and fill up my tank. Instead of praying to make it to the station, prayer is the station.

This busy season doesn’t seem to have an end in sight, but I know God has called us to be in this time and in this place for his work and His glory. I feel so privileged and blessed in this busy season, even when I forget to remember my blessings. I have to remember to keep my eyes on Jesus and my feet on the path He has prepared for me. Romans 8:18 reads, “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”No matter how hard things may seem at times, the rewards and blessing that are coming my way far outweigh any struggle I might go through here on earth.

On a side note; you know you are running on empty when you are envious of your sick husband who is quarantined to the bedroom with all his sickie germs! *cough cough* Maybe I should go lay down just in case I am about to catch it!