Did you ever watch scary movies as a kid? My sister and I
used to love to watch them on rainy nights; especially if we were home alone.
Now, if you watched scary movies, you know the drill at bedtime; run to your
room and leap onto your bed from the doorway so the serial killer hiding under
your bed won’t grab your legs. Then, you lay awake in your bed for hours
listening to every little sound and try to convince yourself that no one is
there and you are safe. If you were smart, you brought a flashlight to bed so
you could see what was around you, but then realized the flashlight caused
creepy looking shadows all over your room. Once you finally fell asleep you
would most likely have bad dreams about the monsters coming to get you. When
you woke up in the morning you would act like it was all no big deal and tell
your friends and family you slept great and you weren’t scared at all.
Fear is a very tricky thing. Just when you are certain you
have conquered your fears you either find new ones or discover the old ones are
still lurking around playing with your mind. When I would watch a scary movie
as a kid, I was certain I could handle it and was not afraid, but by the end of
the movie, I was scared and questioning my judgement. I feel like I repeat this
pattern in my adult life as well. When first faced with fear, I am certain I
can conquer it. Soon thereafter, I find myself trying to avoid the fear lurking
under my bed. Then I get lost in my thoughts of “what if” and my own
insecurities and self-doubt. I see failure everywhere I look and no way out. I
even dream of ways the fear will overtake me. Then I go out into the world and
pretend like I am not afraid and I have this well in control.
My middle son has Autism, ADHD, and Anxiety. When he was
younger, we had major struggles taking him out in public. We could almost
guarantee a total and complete meltdown at some point during our outing. I
believed he needed to learn to handle it, so I kept taking him out and trying
to practice good behavior. It took years to get to a point that we could go out
like normal people; if there is such a thing! Every time we left the house I
was afraid of the looks, the comments, the utter humiliation I knew was coming
my way, and then there was the fear that this would never get better and this
was as good as it was going to get. Now, I sit on the other side of that seeing
how it got better and we overcame those tough times with God leading the way. I
really believed after years of enduring this kind of embarrassment that I had
become immune to these fears—I was wrong.
This week I received a call from the principal of my
daughter’s school letting me know she got in trouble for not cooperating and
hiding under a table. She had apparently made a squeal sound which prompted the
teacher to send her to the principal. This same day she had gymnastics after school.
She seemed to do fine in class, but something went terribly wrong and she came
to me in tears at the end. I didn’t see what happened but I learned she had
been disrespectful. The rule is, if she misbehaves in class she doesn’t get a
treat from the vending machine. This rule, when enforced, caused her to lose
her mind. I immediately had flashbacks of my son’s meltdowns and all of those
feelings of embarrassment, anger, sadness, and fear came rushing at me as I was
dragging her to the car kicking and screaming. My immunity failed me!
I seem to always think I am immune to a fear that I have
previously conquered, but most times I discover that is not true. It is a
constant battle, and one I must be prepared for. Psalm 118:6-7 strengthens me;
“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me? The
Lord is with me, He is my helper.”
This verse sustained me through some really tough times with
my middle son, but I seemed to forget it earlier this week when faced with the
same struggle with a different child. Fear loses its power when I am armed with
the word of God. This is what seems to happen to me though: I know the Word, I
am attacked by fear, I forget to focus on the Word, and start drowning in fear,
then I remember the Word and God rescues me…EVERYTIME! Oh, how I want to leave
out the middle parts and just react with faith from the start.
So, I shared last week that we had to have a contract on our
house by Sunday because our closing date for the new house is set for April 4th.
I was battling fear all last week. We found out on Monday of this week that our
closing date is actually April 10th, so that means we have until
Saturday to have a contract before things get tricky. Here I sit on Friday
morning with no contract, yet full of faith. I am not going to lie to you and
tell you I haven’t had moments of fear about our house selling this week, but
they have been short lived and quickly conquered with God’s Word. My stance
this week has been centered on Psalm 34:4
“I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me. He freed me from all my
fears.”
Here is the funny thing; while I was strong about one fear,
another one snuck in and wrecked me. Isn’t that just the way satan works? He
sneaks in and tries to make me feel weak and distracts me from my focus. I
found myself during quiet time this week talking directly to the devil himself
telling him, “I see you! My God is stronger; so you better stop wasting your
time and mine!” In Mark 5:36, Jesus told one of the Synagogue leaders named
Jarius, “Don’t be afraid, just believe.”
I can’t say that I will not feel fear again, but I know I do not need to give
in to my fears and let it control me. So, I will continue to chant Deuteronomy
3:22:
“Do not be afraid of them; the Lord your God Himself will fight for
you.”
P.S. Today is Saturday and we are currently negotiating a
contract with potential buyers! God is oh so good, and right on time!
My theme song lately:
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