By nature, I am not a control freak. I am perfectly fine with
others making decisions or handling situations; and I generally trust them to
do so. I usually freely give God control without trying to take it back from
Him. I say “usually,” because clearly that is not always the case. Where my
control issues tend to rear its ugly head is in regards to how people perceive
or feel about me. I just want people to see me for who I am and still like
me…is that really too much to ask? The answer to that question appears to be an
emphatic “YES”. I am going to give two examples from my own experience to
illustrate this point.
Example number one happened many years ago when my oldest
was just a toddler. Someone that I considered to be a very close friend felt
like things had changed in our friendship and just before she moved, seemed a
bit cold toward me. I chose to ignore it and pretend things were fine. After
she moved it became clear that she was upset with me and I felt that I should
discover why. I simply could not leave it alone and continued to bug her until
she told me. Needless to say, it was very hard to hear the things she had had
to say. I took all of her words and used them to beat myself up obsessively
while I did everything in my power to make amends and show her I was a good
friend. I became obsessed with trying to change her mind about me. I used her
words for many years to beat myself up and belittle myself. We did end up
making amends and continued being friends. Years later I found out she had been
going through her own personal struggles and everything she had said was not
necessarily accurate.
Example number two happened more recently. I shared something
personal with someone I considered to be a close friend, and soon thereafter, found
out this person shared my personal information with others. I confronted her to
discuss it and forgave her very quickly—quickly forgiving someone is a trait of
mine. Some time passed and she never contacted me or reached out in any way. It
was not unusual for us to go long periods of time without talking; but I hoped
she would reach out. After some time, I sent her a message to which she did not
respond, so I sent another, and another, and another, and…you get the picture. Again,
I struggled to simply let it go without feeling like we had made amends. Really
though, I could not let it go because I needed her to like me. Come to find out
she did not view me as the same kind of friend I viewed her as. Once again, I
used her words and feelings to beat myself up and tell myself what a bad friend
I must be.
In both of the examples above I was trying to control my
friends and make them like me, whether they wanted to or not. I felt like I
needed them to see me, my heart, and understand me. I am not one to let go of
people easily, but I try too hard to control the situation. I wish I could say
this wasn’t a habit of mine, but it is. Even if someone has clearly hurt me, I
am still the one trying to hunt them down to make amends and be friends again.
For some reason, I don’t let go and let God handle it. I can’t stand the
thought of someone out there harboring bad feelings about me or not liking me,
even if I don’t like them. How crazy is that?
This morning during my time with Jesus I was slapped in the
face with some truth. In Christine Caine’s book “Unshakeable,” she wrote, “A
healthy approach to relationships is to love others enough to let them make
their own choices instead of succumbing to your need to control and insisting
on your choices.” She went on saying, “As you learn to trust God to keep you
through everything, you learn to relax and let go of control. Doing so will
bring you the peace you were trying to grasp in your own strength.” Peace is
what I was looking for. Peace in regards to who I am and how I am perceived.
It’s like I was trying to like myself through other people’s feelings about me.
If people like me then I can’t be that bad, right? But as soon as I found
someone who didn’t like me or understand me, I let it define me. So, in an
effort to change my opinion about myself I tried to control other people’s
opinions of me. Clearly, I need a straight jacket and a padded cell, right? Or
perhaps, I just need to rely on and trust in the love, mercy, and grace of my Savior
and let Him define who I am!
Here is the reality, God loves me just as I am, but He has
no plans to leave me like I am. He is always growing me and pruning me and
tending to my every need. I can rely on Him always. He loves me unconditionally
no matter what I do or how badly I mess up. I cannot expect others to be God or
see me like God sees me. Maybe in my pruning process I am supposed to lose
friends, move on, and keep getting better. Instead of trying to convince people
I am likeable, I need to work on being all God has called me to be. God will
bring people into and out of my life and I need to trust His reasons and His
seasons. Plus, I have so many really great friends that like me just for who I
am and I am thankful every day for each one of them that God has brought into
my life and heart! All I can really control is me following Jesus, and let’s be
honest, that is a difficult task all by itself!
Take a minute to listen to this song...SO AMAZING!
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