A Mother's Heart

The heart of a mother is an amazing thing. God created it to be so strong, loving, kind, and beautiful. A mother’s heart knows no bounds, no distance, and no time. A mother’s heart is steady and true and unwavering even if the mother herself feels she isn’t strong enough. The mother may doubt, but her heart doesn’t. The mother may waiver, but the heart stands strong. I am amazed and blessed at what God can do with a mother’s heart.

However, I know that there are some mother’s out there that don’t have this same heart. I know that there are mother’s that don’t treat their kids the way they should. I know this because I had some of their kids in my home as foster kids. I do not have an explanation as to why their hearts don’t beat the same way nor why they appear to not care at times; I wish I did. Having come through infertility issues and spending so many years praying and begging for kids to love, I simply cannot wrap my brain around it. I do know that many mothers try to do their best and fall short, or simply aren’t capable of making it work.  I can say this, God did not create a mother to be that way, but free will and sin nature can ruin God’s best creations. The sins of our forefathers are no joke and we all suffer them. One more point on this matter, some of the strongest mother hearts I have been blessed to see, have had to make the painfully hard choice to give their kids up to other families in order to give them the life they believe they deserve. I am forever grateful for these strong mother's and their amazing hearts!

So, my kids were watching Tarzan today. This movie gets me every time with its story of a mom’s heart. This mom loved a baby that was not born of her, did not look like her, and that no one could understand…at first. For obvious reasons this story is close to my heart. I am the mom of two kids that did not come from my body, do not look like me, and some people have struggled to understand why. I love how Disney puts adoption in so many of their movies! Thanks Walt!

There is a song in the movie called, “You’ll Be In My Heart” by Phil Collins. This song always brings tears to my eyes. As I was sitting as my desk sobbing I was really paying attention to the words (as I was belting them out through my sobs).

“This bond between us

Can’t be broken

I will be here don’t you cry

Cause you’ll be in my heart

Yes you’ll be in my heart

From this day on

Now and forever more

You’ll be in my heart

No matter what they say

You’ll be here

In my heart, always”

I mean WOW! As I sit at my desk, I have a view of my wall of kids; biological, adoptive, and foster, they are all up there. Those lyrics above are what I would like to tell each one of them. Once these kids were placed in my home, they were firmly planted in my heart forever and ever; they weren’t visitors, they became family. The ones who have moved on will always have a place in my heart, my home, and my life. I would take any one of them back in a minute. One of the kids in particular was extremely difficult to see go. The day she left was filled with tears and pain. I can remember crying with her and holding her and wishing she could stay. Oh, how I wish I could say these words to her.

I never thought I would be a foster mom, not in a million years. I didn’t believe my heart was strong enough. As a matter of fact, I still can’t believe I had the strength to get through not being able to keep each one of them, even the ones that were difficult. I can get attached to a baby in line at Wal-Mart and be sad when the mother finishes checking out and leaves. I feel like I at least deserve visitation rights or something. You can’t even imagine how hard it was to let go of these children that were brought into our home. We loved them, took care of them, and nourished them, then one day they were gone.

With foster care, once the child leaves your home, the chances of you ever seeing that child again are almost non-existent. How does my heart handle that? I am here to tell you, I have absolutely no idea! This is why I say that a mother’s heart is amazing. As a matter of fact, it is a down right miracle right here on earth. It is something that only God can create. When I felt like I couldn’t go on, my heart got me through. It continued to beat and love again with reckless abandon. That is the miracle, a heart that won’t stop.

I pray I always follow my heart, for I know who resides there—God!.. May I always believe my heart is stronger than I could imagine. Sometimes I think my mother-heart frightens my husband a bit. Every time he sees me holding a baby, his heart skips a beat, whereas my heart beats steady and true. Though I don’t believe we will be bringing anymore babies into our home—I may have promised this very thing to my husband, I have no idea how many more children will come through our doors and into my mother’s heart.

Lessons From Fasting

Our church did 21 days of fasting and prayer not long ago. We had to decide as a family what we were going to fast from. I energetically chose TV thinking this would be great for my family. I really wasn’t thinking I would miss it that much since I hardly ever actually get to watch what I want. I knew it would be hard for my two youngest kids and that would subsequently make it harder for me, but I felt brave and was up for the challenge.

Our first day was on a Sunday. It was way easier than I thought it was going to be and I actually enjoyed my time without the TV on. We turned up the Christian music and sang loudly. No one really even seemed to miss having the TV on so I felt confident we would be able to make it for 21 days. I was blinded by pride and the misconception that I was above TV watching.

Just a few short days into this fasting I found myself alone in the living room. The 2 younger kids had been sent to bed early to save their lives, my oldest was at work and my husband was at a meeting. I got so excited that for the first time in a long time I was going to get to watch what I wanted to watch on TV without anyone interrupting me or complaining. I parked my behind in my recliner, grabbed the remote, and it hit me…we are fasting from TV!!! I actually found myself a bit angry about it. Then I was angry because I got angry. It was a vicious cycle that only a menopausal or hormonal woman could truly understand.

There were 5 or 6 evenings during our fast that I had the opportunity to watch TV all by myself and yet couldn’t. I am here to tell you, that NEVER happens, and I am sure, now that our fasting is done, it will never happen again. Here is what I found though, my kids actually handled not watching TV better than I did. They actually played with their toys and each other. Well, except for my 16 year old who only has time for TV on the weekends, and he just replaced TV time with gym time. As a matter of fact, I seemed to be the only one really having a hard time at all. I found I was embarrassed for myself.

“The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights, you who say to yourself, ‘Who can bring me down to the ground?’” (Obadiah 1:3)

My pride had gotten the best of me. I just knew my family would be miserable, those poor lost souls that were addicted to the devil’s TV, and yet it was me all along that had the problem. Who would have guessed it?

The goal of fasting is to replace what you give up with time spent with our Lord and Savior. I have to confess that much of the 21 days I totally and miserably failed at this.  I simply found other things to fill my time like Pinterest, social media, Boov Pop (don’t judge me). Now don’t get me wrong, I am a busy mom of three and my middle son (who has some special needs) is homeschooled. I am an ambassador with Plexus Worldwide. Plus I volunteer at my church with our local outreach called Cityserve and with the Woman’s ministry. I don’t get a lot of free time, but what free time I had these past 21 days was mostly wasted on non-God things.

With all my failings and shortcomings during this fast, there were some successes and amazing moments orchestrated by God that I was blessed to witness. I was able to attend weekly prayer meetings with my middle son and here him pray his little heart out. If you ever want to hear a heart beating for Jesus just listen to a little one pray innocently to their Lord and Savior. It was many times almost more than my heart could take in.  I was privileged to watch him humble himself before the Lord and cry out to Him for the sake of others. My young man has so many struggles in life, but his heart for Jesus is strong and true and I know it will carry him through the tough things of this world.

I also had the blessing of being led in a prayer meeting by my husband. Words can’t describe what it is like to be sitting in a church watching your husband lead people, as well as yourself, through prayer. I love that my husband has been called to preach and teach and lead people to Christ. He has spent most of our marriage saving people’s lives out on the water through the Coast Guard, and now he also get’s to watch people’s lives be saved by the living water, Jesus Christ. What an amazing life God has orchestrated for him and I am blessed to be along for the ride.

So what did I learn in my 21 days? My name is Stacy and I am addicted to TV. I also learned that my husband and I must be doing something right with our kids if they can pray from their hearts like they do…even our little 4 year old. When my house is too quiet I realize that my children are much louder than I ever realized. And finally, I learned that more time wasn’t what I need in my day. What my life and my days really need is a lot more Jesus and more time won’t give me that. Jesus is with me always; everywhere I go and in everything I do. I simply need to stop ignoring Him and engage. Realizing the things that steal my time from Jesus was a real humbling eye opener. I will go forth from here with a new perspective and a heart and mind in constant contact with my Savior.

Genius Lost

So, last week I typed out two awesome and insightful blog posts. I mean these were amazing and probably could have changed the world as we know it, except for one small tiny detail…I didn’t actually save them! For the love! Who in the world is dumb enough to do something like that? Ummm…that would be this girl right here. I didn’t realize I hadn’t save them until I went to send them to my editor, aka my hubs, and couldn’t find them. I was devastated, broken, and sad that the world would never know my genius.

I am sure you are wondering why I can’t just retype my genius. Well, I am a mom of a 16 year old, a 12 year old, and a three year old, enough said. I had a brain before children, a good one actually, but my kids have slowly stolen bits and pieces of it over time. Then, a couple of years ago I had a full hysterectomy, and now…I am just plain stupid! I had no idea that my brainpower was attached to my uterus, but clearly it was. I am just amazed I remember who I am every day and remember to keep my children alive.

I decided since I clearly have no blog posts to share with you I would share my accomplishment with you instead. Some of you may remember my post about my dirty little secret. If you don’t remember it, I recommend you stop reading right now and go to “Secrets Revealed” and read it first so this will make sense. The wow factor will be lost on you if you don’t read it first. Go ahead, we will wait right here for you.

Ok, glad you are back. Are you ready for my big reveal? Drum roll please…

Yes, I have cleaned filed, and put away that mountain of paperwork and miscellaneous items we were hiding under my desk. It took me almost a whole day to go through it all and put it away. Oh, and chase all the squirrels and rabbit trails that appear when a person is going through paperwork and files. I learned things about my children, my husband, and myself I didn’t even know. I am just thankful I didn’t find any unpaid bills, but slightly disappointed I didn’t find my lost brain cells hiding in there. Perhaps a million dollar check that I had overlooked would have been a nice find as well. Alas I found no such joy hiding in my pile of filing. I did find a Wonder Woman patch that I had apparently ordered last spring that I now plan to iron on some bloomers for my little miss sassy pants, so there is that!

At this point I would love to tell you that I have mended my ways and am now an avid filer and sorted. I have seen the error of my ways and have turned myself around for the good of the miscellaneous paper and the sanity of my husband. Sadly, however, this is not to be so. My end box is piling up as we speak and staring me in the face as I type. This is why I am blogging about filing instead of actually doing it. It’s not that I am procrastinating or avoiding per say, it’s just that I am approaching the situation from another angle, yeah, that’s it! I need prayer! Jesus needs to come save me from myself and my disdain for filing! If any of you love to file, I will cook for you while you file my mess!

Called...to Write

For as long as I can remember, I have been writing. Whether it was poems, stories, letters, short books for my kids, or starting adult books that I have never finished; I have been driven to create with my words. I have always told myself that writing is my personal creative outlet and that no one else would be interested. It's been like this secret life that I only share with a select few. Here I am in my 40's and I have never published a book, yet I have always secretly dreamed of it. I rarely, if ever, admit to people that I write, want to write, or dream of being a writer. I think I’ve been missing out on God's blessings here!

There are times in our lives that we feel we simply have to do something (even if we can't explain why); something gives us a sense that we are exactly where we are suppose to be.  I believe this is when we are on the right path and answering God's call on our lives. This is how I feel when I write...I feel right when I write. When I sit with my computer, iPad, pen and paper, or even my phone and begin creating with words, I have a sense of peace that is unlike other peaceful times I experience. The peace that comes from knowing I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. When I tuck my writing away and don't share it, I lose that peace and start feeling silly; like I am wasting my time. I believe this is satan sneaking in and trying to stop me from answering God's call.

What holds me back from accepting His call? Self doubt? Probably! Lack of confidence? Certainly! Feeling like I am not qualified? Absolutely! I have written tons of stuff over my life, but rarely have I shared any of it. What if my self-doubt is robbing someone else of a blessing that God has for them and my writing could have been His tool. How selfish I am? Worrying about being a failure, or told I am not good enough, has robbed me, and possibly others of blessings God has for us.

That is heavy!

Don't misunderstand me here; it’s not that I believe my writing is so awesome that it could change someone's life. What I do believe is that God's plan for my life, if I follow it, can do miracles beyond my wildest imagination.

I slowly began to follow God's call to write and share when I started this Blog in September of 2014. I was nervous and certain no one would read it other than my friends and family; and I thought they would only read a few of my postings. I was almost embarrassed to tell people that I had a blog. Who was I to think people would care what I had to say? What I didn't plan on was how much I would love to write these posts and how much I would enjoy your comments and interaction. I find myself writing posts in my head constantly. It has been therapeutic and way more of a blessing to me than I ever imagined. I had no idea that I needed this creative outlet so much. I have loved watching the number of views on my blog grow and grow. All this time I had been thinking that I shouldn't share my writing because no one would be interested or blessed by it. The truth is, I was robbing myself of such a wonderful blessing I had no idea I needed.

Here we are beginning a New Year. A chance for a new beginning—a fresh start! A chance to make this year different than last year. A chance to answer the call of God on our lives, even if we have been ignoring it for years. As long as there is breath in my body, it is never too late answer God's call. God never stops calling us, even when we ignore or deny Him, He still keeps calling us till our final breathe. I have no concept of that level of patience, but I am certainly eternally grateful for it. So this year, I am going to focus on what God would have me do with writing. How He would have me use it or share it. I am scared, nervous, nauseous, and super excited to see what He has in store for me. What if this is just the beginning?

What is God calling you to do? What parts of you have you pushed to the back burner that need to come to the front? What is God calling you to do with the gifts and talents He has blessed you with? Don't let another year or even another day go by without answering that call. He is waiting to bless you!

It Has Finally Happened

          We have waited 1,119 days and the day has finally arrived! We received our “Final Order of Adoption” for little miss sassy pants! So without further ado, let me introduce you to Elizabeth Faith Morris (we’ll call her Lizzy):

Her story is one of trials, abandonment, and loss; but also one of love, prayer, and lots-and-lots of faith. She has no idea what her story is yet; all she knows is that she has a family and is safe, loved, and wanted--every day.

            As I think about her story, I am struck by the power of family. We welcomed her completely into this family and she has flourished here. As a baby she would wake up in the middle of the night panicking, sweating, and crying. There was nothing I could do to calm her. The only thing I could offer her was my love, my embrace, and a whole lot of patience. I would hold her, rock her, and sing to her while she wiggled around trying to get closer to me. After much wrestling, she would finally relent and fall asleep in my arms, completely content and safe. I would hold her close a little longer and speak greatness into her as she slept. The amazing thing is that I am getting to watch that greatness grow in her and become a part of who she is.

            When Lizzy enters a room, people know it. I am pretty sure her personality enters before she does. She is a girly girl, but tough as nails. I always tell people that she is a bull in a china shop, but she is wearing a pink tutu and lipstick! She has no fear, but rarely ever wants to be very far from me. Her best day would involve the whole family being together, all day. She loves animals like no one I have ever seen…ALL animals. If you ask her what kind of animal she wants to have she will tell you “lots,” much to my husband’s dismay. If it were up to her (and maybe me), we would live on a farm with horses, chickens, dogs, bunnies, and maybe a cow or two.

            I cannot wait to see what God has in store for this little sassy spitfire of a girl. I know He will do great things in her and through her and I am blessed to have a front row seat. I am thankful for Jeremiah 29:11, “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ’plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” This has been our family verse since the beginning of our foster care journey. It has carried us though some tough and trying times and brought us to blessings beyond our wildest dreams.

            Her best is yet to come!

The first day we met her, the day she moved into our hearts forever!

This is the definition of "Sassy"