It Is What It Is

     Good morning!  I so hadn’t planned on blogging 2 days in a row, but here I am, drinking a cup  of coffee, tapping away at my keyboard, and pouring out my heart.  Oh well, it is what it is!  As a mom I have discovered that sometimes no matter how hard I try, how smoothly things go, or how perfectly planned our mornings are, it gives me no guarantee that it will help my middle son have a good day. 

     Before I go any further here, I should introduce my kids so I can use their names instead of referring to their birth order!  My oldest is 15 and his name is Lance.  My middle son is 10 (almost 11) and his name is Tony.  My youngest is 2 and our foster child, so for now we will just refer to her as baby girl.  Once the adoption process begins I will share her name!

     Anyway, back to what I was saying (before I forget it entirely)!!  I try to have a relaxed, smooth sailing, calm morning routine for Tony; his special needs really require this.  Now, that being said, I am not always successful with this plan, especially when 2 other children, a husband and 2 dogs are thrown in the mix.

     So, the story of this morning really begins last night.  Lance had practice at our church with the band and told me they were going to dinner afterward.  I foolishly agreed to this without further time questions…….the beginning of epic mom fail!  By 8:00pm I hadn’t heard from him so sent him a text only to discover he was still at the church rehearsing and wasn’t sure when or if I needed to pick him up, or where they were going out to eat.  Long story short, the younger kids went to bed a bit later than normal and Lance did not arrive home until 11:00pm……..on a school night…….with homework yet to be done!  Needless to say, after getting into bed after midnight, 5:00am came way to quickly for me!  So when I wake Lance up this morning he reminds me that he has a football meeting at the school this morning and has to be there by 6:30………WHAT?!?!?!  So now, not only did we all get to bed late, but now we all have to get up and get moving extra early.  I choke back a lecture and frantically and purposefully begin getting things together before waking up Tony, in hopes that by the time I wake him up things will be calm and in control.

     Everything appears to be going well.  We are on time, and as a matter of fact, I got Lance to school earlier than he needed to be.  I was beginning to feel good about myself and my mom abilities……this should have been my warning sign!!  Once back home things continue to go smoothly and all seem calm and ready for the day.  The bus arrives to our house on time and I hug and kiss Tony, tell him to have a super, awesome fantastic day and wave to the bus driver from my front porch.  It was quite picturesque!  Baby girl and I go back inside and start talking about our day……for about 5 seconds until I realize the bus is stopped in front of my neighbors house.  As I am watching out the front door I hear the dreaded beeping, alerting me that the bus is in fact backing up and coming back to my house.  For the love!  All my effort, all my planning, all my calm loving words, and all I got was 5 seconds…….5 seconds of feeling like I had accomplished starting Tony’s day off right.

     Now I sit here after sending him off for the second time feeling like I have let him down……which I know isn’t true in my head, but my heart is stubborn and doesn’t always listen to logic.  I am analyzing every moment beginning with bedtime routine last night and ending with our second send off this morning.  What could I have done differently?  Why did he seem so happy and calm when I put him on the bus then immediately turned around and lost it?  Is sending him to school the best option for him?  Should I homeschool him again?  How can I help him when I am not with him?  Will this ever get easier?  And the questions go on and on and on.  No matter how things turn out for him today I have to let go of my guilt, control and anxieties and give it all to God!  I am thankful in these situations that it is not my responsibility to control any of this.  All I have to do is follow God, do what is possible, and leave the impossible to Him.  “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible” Matthew 19:26  So in the midst of my anxieties and worries of the morning I am going to choose to praise God for all He has done, all He is doing, and all He has yet to do!

And now baby girl has just informed me she has a poopy diaper…….being a mom is so awesome!!