The Right Decision

     I realize I blog about my son with special needs a lot, but sometimes when you have a child like this it feels like that is the only thing that truly gets your focus.  Now I know that is not a true statement, but it just feels true during these tough seasons.  For every difficult situation we must deal with in regards to Tony, there are at least 10 times the blessings.  I always describe him as “more,” but not only is he more of the difficult, he is also more of the wonderful!  His milestones seem like so much more of a victory because we have to work so much harder to reach them—and when I say “we,” I mean the whole family.

     We are going through a difficult transition season, which is leaving my husband and I in a place of uncertainty.  When we moved this summer we had to go through the process with the schools to find out where the best fit for Tony was.  Once we found out where they wanted to send him we realized this was going to be a tough season—tougher than we had imagined.  We have never been truly satisfied with where the public school system initially sends Tony, but usually can find the bigger picture and see it as a step in the right direction.  This time, however, the school’s decision made the bigger picture blurry and unclear.  There have been lots of prayer, tears, fears, and uncertainties already this school year, and it hasn’t even been two months yet.

     Tony has been sent to a behavioral school for special needs children with more severe issues.  He has a forty-five minute bus ride everyday just to get to school and an hour or more ride to get home.  A fence with barbed wire surrounds the school, and he has to go through a metal detector as well as being patted down every morning upon entering his school.  Every staff member is specially trained for crisis situations, including the janitor and the cafeteria staff.  Needless to say, those facts cause me to fear.  As a matter of fact, I am actually crying as I have to type this description.  “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).  Ahhh, tears subsiding, feeling better.

     We have had issue-after-issue, struggle-after-struggle, and incident-after-incident every week and usually everyday.  The thing with Tony is that his struggles are mostly isolated to the school environment.  Now, I am not trying to say he doesn’t have struggles anywhere else.  What I am saying is that his usual struggles pale in comparison to those he has at school.  At home or church when he has a hard time it can be worked out with a little patience and understanding as we help him walk through the process of handling things himself.  At school, he totally loses it!  I can honestly say that I have never seen him behave the way the school describes.  I am not saying I do not believe the school—I do not have to see to believe—I am just saying I have never personally experienced it.  For years Tony’s schools have been referring to me as his security blanket because if I am around he is generally in control of himself and calm.

     I say all of this because we have a tough decision to make.  We have an ARD (Admission, Review, and Dismissal committee meeting) meeting on October 6th to discuss Tony’s IEP (Individual Education Program) and what the school has observed this year so far.  My stomach is in absolute knots just thinking about this meeting.  I hate to hear awful things being said about my precious children, and this meeting is gong to be filled with awful things.  “Even though I walk
through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” (Psalm 23:4).  This meeting feels like a dark valley for me.  We have a choice to make.  First, to stick with this program, go all in and fight for Tony forcing the staff to figure him out and do what is right for him.  Second, pull him from school and homeschool him.  Both decisions have their own set of difficulties, neither one is the easy choice.  I just want to do what is right for my son!

     I must, at this time, confess my shortcomings to you.  Doing things “right” is not only important to me, but most times an absolute necessity above all.  I can get stuck trying to find the “right”  when the decision is really about what is best.  I know in my mind that there is not always a right or a wrong way; sometimes it is best and second best, or good and not-so-good.  This fact clouds my mind and generally gets shoved aside in my quest for “right”.  As I stated above, I want to do the right thing for Tony, not the best thing, or a good thing, but what is right.  The right choice will fix everything, right?  This is such an illusion, and I know it.  I am spending my prayer time intentionally praying for what is best for Tony in hopes that I can change my train of thought.  I am praying for God’s best for Tony for I know that His best is far greater than any “right” I could come up with.  I am praying for God’s counsel and discernment as my husband and I have to make this choice and a peace “which passeth all understanding” (Philippians 4:7) once the decision is made.  “Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.  Whom have I in heaven but you?  And earth has nothing I desire besides you.  My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion” (Psalm 73:23-26).

     Tony decided on Wednesday that he is going to try to be on his best behavior for the next four school days beginning with this past Thursday.  He said that if he can keep it together for the next four days then that would prove that he could handle school away from the house.  We talked about character and integrity and how he should control himself and behave the way he knows he should even when no one is looking.  He left for school Thursday assuring me he was going to have an awesome day so I didn’t need to worry.  I have heard this kind of thing from him before and I knew we had a 50/50 chance of this working for him.  Well, I am here to tell you, it WORKED!  He had an awesome day at school on Thursday with no “outbursts,” according to his teacher who called to tell me about it.  When Tony got home he was absolutely ecstatic about his day and could hardly contain himself while he was telling me about it.  Friday was not incident free, but it was far better than most of his days have been.  We are so proud of him and his efforts and we know he is capable of doing this most days.  We pray this behavior continues and his teachers are able to capitalize on his efforts.

      We are still praying, still questioning, and still searching for the best choice for Tony.  One good day doesn’t make this decision any easier, but it does give us hope for a future of good days.  Tony is such a special boy with a wonderfully sweet heart; we just want his teachers to see this side of him.  He is not defined by his bad behavior alone.  We still have a decision to make about his school, but for now I am basking in the glow of a good report, and resting in my hopes for another awesome day, which can turn into awesome weeks.   I am also taking the time to be thankful that God already knows the outcome for Tony and that this is all in His hands.  “’For I know the plans I have for you, ‘declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).